So Much Anger

MyNewNormal
MyNewNormal Member Posts: 15
in Emotional Support #1

My husband was daignosed with Omentun Cancer on April 11, 2016. Everything now sucks. I have so MUCH anger over my husabnd's cancer that sometimes it disables me. But I try no to show it. His is a cancer that there is NO cure for, so only time will tell. But all I can think about is how angry I am that we have lost our future. ALl our plans we were making in April are now gone, no retirement home when we retire, no retirment at all together. I knew I would be alone at some point in my life but not now, not so early. He tries, but recently he has undescribable fatigue. The man who not that long ago was running 6 miles a day, can now barely walk up a flight of stairs.

I am angry, I am sad, I am guilty, I am lost...... and worst of all I am angry at God, although I have never prayed so much in my life.

To see the man who was your protector become the one who needs protection is the hardest thing I have EVER had to go through. I dont know how to do this everyday. I guess it is just one day at a time, one minute at a time. 

 

All I really know is I HATE MY NEW NORMAL!!!

 

Comments

  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    edited October 2016 #2
    Understandable

    I think there's many of us on this site that feel similar.  Angry, sad, guilty, lost.  That about sums it up.   

    My husband too used to run - quite a lot.  He ran 9 marathons and so many tri-athalons I can't count. To see him struggle to walk breaks my heart.  He looked at his running medals the other day and said he knew he wouldn't get any more of those.  Oh, what is lost.    

    I am sorry you are going through this.  I am glad that you mention you are praying, even though you have anger.  For those who are spiritual, I think it really helps.  Please know you are not alone in hating your new normal.  I will keep you in my good thoughts.  

       

  • MyNewNormal
    MyNewNormal Member Posts: 15
    #3
    GingerMay

    Thank you so much. Thisis my first tme reaching out to a support group. I truly appreciate your words. In my head I know many others are going through this but in my heart I feel so alone. I know my husband gets jealous when we are out driving and he sees runners on the streets by our house. I get jealous too, thinking about what he has lost.

    I will keep you in my thoughts as well. "One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus", as the song lyrics go.

  • Joan M
    Joan M Member Posts: 409 Member
    edited November 2016 #4
    Sad and Angry too

    Thank you for sharing your struggles as the spouses of incurable cancer patients.  I know it is really hard not to be angry and sad about your loved one being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  You should not have to hide those feelings or feel guilty about them.  Your husband would understand and can help you get through this time. 

    In our relationship,  I am the one with cancer and it is hard sometimes to understand how my husband feels.  I would get upset when he talks about retirement plans not working out the way he hoped they would, and all I thought was: At least you still have a chance to retire.  I know it is really hard to deal with (for all of us).  He somehow thinks that I will outlive him even though I am the one with cancer.  Sometimes I think I will beat the cancer too, but realistically know that the odds are against that happening. 

    My mother lost her husband (my stepfather) to bladder cancer ( he also had congestive heart failure).  He got sick right after they retired and had just finished building their retirement home.  I know how hard it was for her to see him lose his strength and to lose her out on all they had planned to do in their retirement.  She worked in nursing homes for many years caring for others, and was able to care for him through 10 years of illness prior to his death.

    I get upset that I may not live to see my youngest graduate from highschool, get married or see my grandchildren grow up.  It is hard not to be jealous and miss all that I have lost and stand to lose in the future. 

    I am very thankful for my husband's love and support.  I would not be able to make it without him.  So many people have prayed with me and for me  to heal from this cancer and that a cure will be found.  A few people from church are cancer survivors and have helped me immensely. 

    I joined this forum almost a month ago and it has really helped me to see how so many others have coped with cancer.  I love the life stories of those who have survived 10 years and even more.   I admire the courageous battles of those who have fought and lost. 

    I have been feeling better lately and sometimes believe that I may lucky and be one of the long term survivors.  I try to  maintain a positive attitude and enjoy each day that I have.  (But I still get angry sometimes.) 

    I think it is good to vent that anger when you need to.

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