Feeling Sad

Jen1988
Jen1988 Member Posts: 36
in Colorectal Cancer #1

Hubby dx about 1 yr ago with stage 3 (3 lymph node positive) rectal cancer

He has done chemo/rad, surgery, adj chemo, and ileo reversal, currently clear from cancer per sept petscan and hopefully stay clean. At this time we should be enjoying our lives after 14 months riding on no fun roller coaster. Instead i just found out that he still have feeling for another woman, 

I feel really sad after what we have been through fighting this desease together and he still doesn't change. I have a full time job and 2 children and still manage to care for him, keeping him company for appointments, chemo, research, and changing his ileo bag twice a week (sometime more when it leaks) during 8 months of his stoma life.

I feel betrayed, angry, and pointless but not able to fully express my feeling toward him knowing that his cancer might come back anytime knowing the probability for stage 3. I wish to spend the rest of his life making him happy and maximize our quality time. What am i supposed to do know.. how should i react to this situation.. please help

Comments

  • John23
    John23 Member Posts: 2,122 Member
    edited November 2016 #2
    Good grief

    Should have saved those Ileostomy bags for a nice Yuletide gift, ehh?

    Listen, life goes on for you. You have a right to urinate on his pillow. Cancer affects people differently and looking at one's possible demise can certainly provoke a second look at one's history.....

    You apparently knew about it prior to cancer, and now.... ?

    Maybe providing a bit of time and space, and not taking it too seriously immediately? He may soon realize that the love of his life is right there in front of him.

    Good luck and the best of health!

    John

     

     

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,804 Member
    edited November 2016 #3
    You matter

    You are certainly NOT 'pointless'. 

    You have been his rock, and nothing, not even being a Cancer patient gives him the right to have an affair, even if it is emotional. 

    Make sure you start taking care of yourself. Your children need you whole and happy.  

    I would say, speak to him. Talk to him, and don't fear about it stressing him. Its stressing you, and you certainly don't need that and neither do the children. 

    I wish you luck and pray that he sees what he has before him, and stops chasing the past. 

    SUE.

  • beaumontdave
    beaumontdave Member Posts: 1,289 Member
    edited November 2016 #4
    I would never tell another

    I would never tell another what to do specifically. You're giving him all you have by the sound of it, and are bound to your life together,as long as you can be. Your all-in and he knows it, so what do you do? Do you wait for him to return the commitment you've shown, wait for this other thing to burn out or go away? I couldn't be normal or go along with life on those terms. You don't have to do anything, but I'd have to think about confronting the situation, if that resolved nothing I'd start pulling back, emotionally and helpwise. Not for payback or the like, but for my own health and well-being. If you can't live with it, and he won't change, the only other path is finding your own way. Seek counceling, see if he'll go, find women who have dealt with similar problems and get their perspective. But in the end, the hard choices are yours to make, caring for him, if he doesn't reciprocate, at the same level, is never going to be a satisfying life, at least not from my point-of-view. I hope it works out for you...........................

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
    #5
    First, you change his bag for

    First, you change his bag for him? What's wrong with him? My husband did mine the first time after I came home from the hospital with it because I was being a wimpy baby and crying and couldn't look at it and was going on about being Frankenstein and a freak and all that crap. But since then I've done it myself. Do you mean that you literally changed his bag for him? Why couldn't he do it? If he let you do it for some reason that's your first problem.

    Anyway, the rate of men leaving women with cancer is much higher than the rate of women leaving men who have it. Even women who were planning to leave will often stay. You said he still hasn't changed, meaning he was a philanderer before? If so, kick him to the curb. Shame he has cancer but if he's going to fool around on you that's a dealbreaker, cancer or no cancer. Do not let him continue to treat you like his personal nurse or slave. If that's how he wants to play it, he can take care of himself. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it.

    Sorry, that just makes me ripping mad. Shame on him.

    On a less emotional note. I can see a man possibly wanting a woman who hasn't seen him at his worst. Men can have such fragile egos and he might feel like someone who hasn't had to change his ostomy bag or see him in treatment but only sees him as he is now would be more appealing. If that's how shallow he is, let him go. He'll end up alone if his cancer returns and then you can have the last laugh.

    Jan

  • kmygil
    kmygil Member Posts: 876 Member
    edited November 2016 #6
    This one is tough

    First, Jenny, you are awesome.  Absolutely awesome.  You have been a caregiver to your husband that many spouses don't have.  I know I did not.  You are amazing.  

    What I'm thinking is going on with your husband is that he is having stupid brain.  Yes.  After realizing that he is surviving, he is suddenly in some sort of emotional crisis where everthing that has to do with life before cancer suddenly seems so desireable.  It's stupid magical thinking, but people being what we are, we tend to do a lot of that.  

    I suggest talking to him about counseling; grief counseling (he's grieving for his life before cancer), marriage counseling, and PTSD.  A lot of people do not realize the trauma of a cancer diagnosis combined with the treatments, the personal indignities we bear, and the loss of a way of life before cancer can be very traumatic.

    If he will not consent to counseling, you need to do what is best for you.  it is not healthy to sacrifice yourself on the altar of his cancer which may or may not return.  He may be the one with the disease, but you are paying the price.  If he loves you, he will agree.  Otherwise, make him move out, at least for a while.

    I am sad for you, but you are a very, very strong woman, as evidenced by your caretaking and continuing love for this man.  Just remember, if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else.

    Hugs,

    Kirsten

  • lp1964
    lp1964 Member Posts: 1,239 Member
    #7
    It's so complicated!

    I was married and madly in love when I got diagnosed. She took care of me pefectly and I stayed strong for both of us. Shortly after the treatment ended however she started pulling out of the relationship emotionally. She got distant, and started doing things to separate us farther and farther. I don't pretend to say i was perfect. I was angry and still am. Her guilt didn't let her leave me physically, but she left me emotionally. I could not live in a cold marriage so I left over a year ago and I'm much happier although extremely disappointed. 

    My advise to you. We all invest more or less energy in our relationship. The energy we give from us to our partner is like a leaf blower. To much of it may push him away. You have been doing too much for him. So much that even with his best intention he would get distant. And I don't think he even has the best intentions. Turn the energy investment down and see if he moves closer to you. If not there is nothing you can do. Don't treat him like a patient any more. Treat him like a man! Because he is your man primaril. But you also should demand to be treated like a woman your are to him.  Take care of yourself and the family. You seem to carry all the burden. If you are not well, nobody is well.

    All the best for you guys, 

    Laz

  • Jen1988
    Jen1988 Member Posts: 36
    edited November 2016 #8
    Thank you All for your input,

    Thank you All for your input, advise and support. Still thinking what i would do .. i do not talk to him and he doesnt talk to me at the moment.

  • Jen1988
    Jen1988 Member Posts: 36
    edited November 2016 #9
    JanJan63 said:

    First, you change his bag for

    First, you change his bag for him? What's wrong with him? My husband did mine the first time after I came home from the hospital with it because I was being a wimpy baby and crying and couldn't look at it and was going on about being Frankenstein and a freak and all that crap. But since then I've done it myself. Do you mean that you literally changed his bag for him? Why couldn't he do it? If he let you do it for some reason that's your first problem.

    Anyway, the rate of men leaving women with cancer is much higher than the rate of women leaving men who have it. Even women who were planning to leave will often stay. You said he still hasn't changed, meaning he was a philanderer before? If so, kick him to the curb. Shame he has cancer but if he's going to fool around on you that's a dealbreaker, cancer or no cancer. Do not let him continue to treat you like his personal nurse or slave. If that's how he wants to play it, he can take care of himself. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it.

    Sorry, that just makes me ripping mad. Shame on him.

    On a less emotional note. I can see a man possibly wanting a woman who hasn't seen him at his worst. Men can have such fragile egos and he might feel like someone who hasn't had to change his ostomy bag or see him in treatment but only sees him as he is now would be more appealing. If that's how shallow he is, let him go. He'll end up alone if his cancer returns and then you can have the last laugh.

    Jan

    Yes i literally cleaned the

    Yes i literally cleaned the stoma and changed his bag for 8 months. I feel like he needed my help since he came back from the hospital with still a lot of pain.. how could he able to do it himself.. and he had chemo with 48 hrs pump seems difficult to handle by himself. He asked for my help and i was happy to do it since he hated his life with a bag. Thank you so much for your support, Jen. We might need to seek counseling but i am not sure .. i am still thinking this through 

  • John23
    John23 Member Posts: 2,122 Member
    edited November 2016 #10
    "When they go low, you go high"

    My wife and I married in 1963. That's pretty long for a relationship (I guess) (Maybe not). A friend said that they should issue marriage licenses like the do driver's licenses - has to be renewed every three years. "let's see how that headache is going around renewal time", he said....

    Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder, contrary to popular wishes. If you want the relationship to improve and continue, open communication is a must. Even if you're the one yakking, being civil and showing love and a lot of affection can fill the void he may be imagining. It's easy for one to wish for affection from -anyone- if it isn't there when one needs it.

    If anyone has not personally experienced a diagnosis of cancer, they: A. Are fortunate  B. they cannot possibly understand all the emotions involved. Depression, rejection, bitterness to those once close.... and the emotional rollercoaster can take awhile, sometimes not starting immediately, but months or years later. A cancer diagnosis is more traumatic that one can imagine, the "ride" never seems to end; the patient is always waiting for the "light at the end of the tunnel", knowing that It will likely be that train...

    Please read paragraph 2 again?

    And please understand that in forums we don't "know you" and you don't know anyone else. It's best kept that way; anonymity is a blessing. The "web" is NOT a safe place to provide any personal identification. There is nothing sacred out here.

    Good luck; stay healthy.

    John

     

  • Jen1988
    Jen1988 Member Posts: 36
    edited November 2016 #11
    John23 said:

    "When they go low, you go high"

    My wife and I married in 1963. That's pretty long for a relationship (I guess) (Maybe not). A friend said that they should issue marriage licenses like the do driver's licenses - has to be renewed every three years. "let's see how that headache is going around renewal time", he said....

    Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder, contrary to popular wishes. If you want the relationship to improve and continue, open communication is a must. Even if you're the one yakking, being civil and showing love and a lot of affection can fill the void he may be imagining. It's easy for one to wish for affection from -anyone- if it isn't there when one needs it.

    If anyone has not personally experienced a diagnosis of cancer, they: A. Are fortunate  B. they cannot possibly understand all the emotions involved. Depression, rejection, bitterness to those once close.... and the emotional rollercoaster can take awhile, sometimes not starting immediately, but months or years later. A cancer diagnosis is more traumatic that one can imagine, the "ride" never seems to end; the patient is always waiting for the "light at the end of the tunnel", knowing that It will likely be that train...

    Please read paragraph 2 again?

    And please understand that in forums we don't "know you" and you don't know anyone else. It's best kept that way; anonymity is a blessing. The "web" is NOT a safe place to provide any personal identification. There is nothing sacred out here.

    Good luck; stay healthy.

    John

     

    Dear John,

    Dear John,

    Thank you for your respond and advise and congratulation on your 53 year happily married, and stay happy forever. You are correct you dont know me and i dont know anyone here but this group has given me so much comfort. You all helped me during those difficult times.. and we share happiness..i feel closed to all of you even i dont log in very often. I feel so fortunate to find this grup,.. and John, with your wise words and guidance give me a strength to move forward.  I did read paragraph more than 2 times, and thank you again John

     

  • danker
    danker Member Posts: 1,276 Member
    #12
    Jen1988 said:

    Thank you All for your input,

    Thank you All for your input, advise and support. Still thinking what i would do .. i do not talk to him and he doesnt talk to me at the moment.

    divorce

    When I married the love of my life, she said I could get rid of her in two ways.  One was to hit her, the other was to cheat on her.  Since I did neither, we were married 57 years.  Only her death separated us!!! I will not presume to tell you what to do, but do not let his illness cloud your decision.

Discussion Boards