When my husband started hospice he was terminal but  still able to do everything for himself. Hospice asked him if he wanted to sign a DNR but he declined because at that time it was hard for him to think about being in that position.  Over the last few days my husband has gotten much worse and now he'a confined to the bed and is barely awake. I've been through this before with my dad and I know he won't get better and I know the way he is now is no way to live. But my husband is only 42 and this is very hard for family and friends to understand. He is currently at home so I guess it is my decision to decide what to do when he stops breathing. I don't want to call 911 so they can do CPR and possibly break his ribs and revive him for for what is going to happen no matter what I do. I want him to make the decision but he hasn't been awake enough to discuss it. I tried to talk to his brother today but he just said he will respect my decision. I don't want to make this decision alone and especially if it makes some of his family hate me or blame me. I am wondering if I should talk to his mom tomorrow. I feel like if I can make her understand it will be ok. I know she doesn't want to think about this stuff but I need some support. Im only 35 and this is way above my maturity level. 


  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    Tough spot

    Ask hospice. They will know.

    Where I live if a patient dies while under hospice care you call hospice. They will come and call the police  to report the death not 911 for medical help.

    Prayers lifted.  


  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member

    When my husband went on hospice he signed a DNR and I had a copy of it on the refrigerator.  Our sons knew his wishes too they also know mine.  I realize how young your husband is and he didn't want to think about it at that time.  If he is on hospice, that is something they need to know.  Actually if he is on hospice you have to call hospice first before you call 911.  That is what I was told. 

    It is hard no matter which way you go.  But at the end I knew my husband was dying and that there was nothing anyone could do.  He was already on oxygen and his blood pressure was very low and he slept the majority of the time.  Even the hospice nurse on Friday afternoon told me that he wouldn't make it thru the week-end and he didn't.  Thankfully two of our sons were with me and thankfully it was a very peaceful passing.  You are his wife and if he is in a coma the decision legally is yours, not his mother's.  As mothers we don't want to see our children die, but if he was my son, I wouldn't want to see him suffer either when I knew that there was no chance.  But I know that you do have to have a DNR if you call 911 otherwise they will do everything possible to keep him alive. 

    Wishing you peace and comfort

  • JerzyGrrl
    JerzyGrrl Member Posts: 760 Member
    edited November 2016 #4
    Loving decisions aren't always easy ones

    Caregiver, I'm not sure this is ever really "at" anybody's maturity level.  Loving decisions aren't always easy ones to make.  If you have never seen someone who's critically ill, near the end of life, receive CPR, it's by necessity a violent act that you don't want to see. They generally -- not possibly -- do break ribs.  If you do see it, you'll remember it. 

    If you DO make the decision or if you DON'T make the decision to have your husband's status changed to DNR, there may be angry family members who may or may not hate or blame you.  In reality, they're angry at CANCER that's taking someone who's 42, but it doesn't have a face. Humans do. 

    Call the hospice if you haven't already.  Ask to speak to someone on call if it's after hours.  They are there for your husband and for you.  After your husband passes -- whenever that is -- they will be there for you as well. We'll be here on the forums, too. 

    Holding you all tightly in our thoughts and prayers...