Total Melt Down Today

mrou50
mrou50 Member Posts: 389 Member
in Kidney Cancer #1

I went for a walk today and I had a total meltdown, it is a beautiful day in the Portland area and I realized as I was walking how much I will miss this next I started thinking about my family and that is when I just lost it I started crying uncontrolablly and I began to curse this disease.  By the time I got back to my apartment I totally lost it.  I was never one to shed tears but I let go and could not stop for about a half an hour.  I feel that I am getting weaker and my lungs don't seem to function as well as they used to my bones hurt from the cancer and it frustrates me because I was always so strong.  I have been asked to stop driving because my bones break so easily now and there is concern that I could break a bone while driving.  Somtimes I just want to quit and give in to this disease and let nature take its course, and that is totally unlike me, I have always been a fighter but it seems a person can only stretch themselves so far.  I do know if the Cabo does not work I will have some serious thinking to do.  I am sorry to bring everyone down, I hope everyone else is doing fine.

 

Mark 

Comments

  • Allochka
    Allochka Member Posts: 1,072 Member
    edited November 2016 #2
    Dear Mark,

    Dear Mark,

    don't be ashamed of your tears and emotions, they are good for you. Good to let them go, to cry, to feel frustration... you'll feel lighter, better after that.

    And I think that being strong does not mean "always feel strong". It means to carry on even after moments of weakness, which are absolutely normal for anyone. You may feel weak at the moment, but it does not mean you are not strong in general.

    The war is not lost yet, perhaps Cabo will do its job. You ARE a fighter, simply it is a very hard moment for you now. Tomorrow you will feel different and ready to kick cancer's ****.

    Hugs... I am so sorry it hurts. Are there any medicines avbl to ease this?

  • todd121
    todd121 Member Posts: 1,448 Member
    #3
    We're here to support you

    Mark,

    I'm glad you posted how you're feeling. I can definitely understand how you feel and relate. I've had days/times like this as well. It's damn sad and hard and unacceptable that you should have to be dealing with this. Take it easy on yourself. Feelings come and go. Embrace them and share what's going on with someone (us or people close to you). Let us know. You're not alone. We may not be physically right there with you, but we're with you in mind and spirit.  Give yourself little pep talks. You can do this.

    Warm hugs,

    Todd

  • Footstomper
    Footstomper Member Posts: 1,237 Member
    #4
    We all do it.

    I was once set off by David Bowie singing Moonage Daydream and again couldnt stop. I've been known to tear up while walking the dog. Looking for sources on World War I the other day, I even had to wipe my eyes at Jimmy Cagney singing 'Over there'. Dont ask me about 'My forgotten Man"

  • Jan4you
    Jan4you Member Posts: 1,330 Member
    edited November 2016 #5
    Oh hon, I am so sorry you are

    Oh hon, I am so sorry you are struggling, BUT it is good that you released all this emotion, it is!

    You just let out so much toxic crap inside that needed to be released. You are proving to be perfect at what? At being HUMAN!

    Remember, YOU do what YOU have to or not. Its YOUR choice. It is not quitting, it is not giving up. it is taking care of YOUin the way only YOU know how and what is best.

    Personally, I do not always respect when others who are not you, ask you to stay strong. At times you can be strong. At other times, you need your strength just to open your eyes..and try to just ge through one moment.

    Maybe being HUMAN is the strongest you can be, right?

    Maybe this medication or another will work, but you will always be YOU! Perfect at being YOU!

    Sending you a piece of my heart to hold some of this scary-awful crap so you can find moments of relief hon.

    Jan

  • Steve.Adam
    Steve.Adam Member Posts: 463 Member
    edited November 2016 #6
    Thank you Mark

    You are not bringing me down. I want to know how people are feeling about their situation.

    Sometimes I don't properly experience or understand my own emotion until someone else expresses it.

    So thanks. I appreciate it.

    I just wish I could help.

    Steve.

  • mrou50
    mrou50 Member Posts: 389 Member
    edited November 2016 #7
    Steve.Adam said:

    Thank you Mark

    You are not bringing me down. I want to know how people are feeling about their situation.

    Sometimes I don't properly experience or understand my own emotion until someone else expresses it.

    So thanks. I appreciate it.

    I just wish I could help.

    Steve.

    SA

    Your kind words and those of our brothers and sisters here help me more than you could ever imagine.

    Mark

  • hardo718
    hardo718 Member Posts: 853 Member
    edited November 2016 #8
    Not bringing me down Mark

    It's good to know one isn't alone in their thoughts & feelings.  Someone once told me to think of it as a way of cleansing.  That helps me immensely when I feel the need to release.

    I'm so sorry you're suffering, and my only wish is that I could do something to help.  Please know that I continue to pray for you.

    Hugs & Love,

    Donna~

  • JuliaGrant
    JuliaGrant Member Posts: 14
    edited November 2016 #9
    I'm not an "official" member

    I'm not an "official" member of this club and don't want to be. However, from what I've gathered in reading the few posts that I have, you are some of the ABSOLUTE STRONGEST people I've ever heard of!!!!! Each and every one of you is in my prayers!!!

    JuliaGrant

  • foroughsh
    foroughsh Member Posts: 779 Member
    edited November 2016 #10
    Dear  Mark

    Dear  Mark

    I'm so sorry for what your going through, it is most difficult time in one's life. As a tough girl I would never imagine myself feeling so depressed for days and nights but it happened once I got the C news. One thing which hurt me more was myself trying not to cry, not to talk about my emotions and hiding my fears behind a fake smile. Then I broke down and finally talked with a wonderful therapist. He helped me realize I's OK to cry, it's OK to ask for help, it's OK to  talk with dear ones about how I feel. I felt much better since then, now whenever I feel bad I cry with no shame, few weeks ago I had a surgery ( not related to cancer) with no good result it made me so sad and I kept crying for hours, then I felt much better, sometime it help to let things out of us

    I pray for you and wish you all good results you deserve it

    Forough

  • penitent
    penitent Member Posts: 79
    #11
    Sometimes it's cathartic

    At times you just have to let it out as the emotional equivalent of taking a deep breath.  You don't want to bottle up emotion as that is also unhealthy and not good for the soul.  Praying for you...

  • stub1969
    stub1969 Member Posts: 978 Member
    edited November 2016 #12
    Let it flow!

    Mark:

    I've followed your journey through your posts and your personal page.  You've been through a lot....most people would have had this meltdown way before your present spot in your journey.  I cried in my wife's arms soon after diagnosis.  My biggest concern was for my kids especially, my 10 year old daughter.  I remember feeling "better" after I got it out.  We all have loved ones and we all want to live.  Having that taken away from us and feeling helpless in the fight is so frustrating.  That frustration has to come out.  I remember a post on here stating stress and anger feeds this cancer.  If we hold it in, we're just feeding the beast.  So, I say let it flow!

    Stub

  • Jojo61
    Jojo61 Member Posts: 1,309 Member
    edited November 2016 #13
    Mark, I am so sorry that you

    Mark, I am so sorry that you are going through these feelings. Coming to this forum to share your feelings was a smart thing to do. We are here for you in any capacity possible. We are with you, support you and admire you more than you can imagine. Cry when you need to, despair when you need to, vent with us when you need to. This is a place where all can be shared without fear of burdening your loved ones. Your strength humbles me.

    Big hugs

    Jojo

  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181 Member
    edited November 2016 #14
    I'm glad

    that you let that out Mark. Go do it again if you need to. It comes with the territory when one gets as sick as you. And me. And many others. I hope you feel better and can focus on staying strong.Your loved ones want only the best for you. That's us too.

  • marosa
    marosa Member Posts: 334 Member
    #15
    Hi Mark

    Have been coming in less lately, busy with a new grandchild and also taking some time off from internet,computer.  Was thinking of you and wanted to let you know I often do, and very much wish that you are feeling better.  Its easy to come to admire let alone care, for someone who like you, going thru so much, is at the same time there for others.  Sending well wishes, love and good vibes your way.

  • donna_lee
    donna_lee Member Posts: 1,045 Member
    #16
    The word for what you are doing is...

    Grieving.  It can be a long process, and we all seem to be in one stage or another. Cryning, Yeah.  Lots of it.  Depression, Yeah.  When I couldn't focus, couldn't seem to get motivated to accomplish anything, and cried at the drop of a hat,  I went to see a psychologist.  Besides also seeing my internist and being put on an antidepressant, the counselor brought things into perspective.  I'm a bit of a Type A-science, organization, follow thru by the rules.  And with cancer, I had no control, with a capital C.  Not of the cancer, it's chance of recurrence (which it did-twice) and the overflow into all aspects of my life.  D'xd in 2006, I was only given a 5-7 month chance of being here by the new year.  I had to confront the imminent death scenario then.  Any time after that has been a bonus.

    I still resent the loss of control, but accept that there are somethings that aren't to be.  More things don't get done around the house than before, but if I want to watch a TV show, I do, without feeling guilty.  Don't want to cook-there is always take out.

    As long as you are here, you still have something to offer.  And don't forget the words to the song, "I'll cry if I want to."  And in your case, you needed to.  That's what makes us human.

    Go easy on yourself.  Hug your family, talk to them, share with them.

    Love and Hugs.   And I assume you are in the city of my birth, Portland, Oregon.  Where protesters turned into rioters.

    donna_lee

  • Deanie0916
    Deanie0916 Member Posts: 626 Member
    #17
    Sending love and prayers

    Hi Mark, thank you for being the encourager that you are. I don't know what to say, just that I am shedding some tears with you and I will be hoping for the best for you, praying for your healing and hope to flood you when you need it. God bless you.

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