angry husband

hello again , well I try everything , getting out its friends, church and thanks are gone from bad to worse .

he guess so mad I can't tall to him ,I wonder why many times and what the I do wrong . A bout 3weeks ago I had to take him to emergency , was blinding ,.vomiting . Well the had him in severed transfusiones and doctors tell us the only have o6-8 months . Imagin . But now he's so ungry hes hitting me .and his out f control . Accusing me and our children the is our falt he's not in NY , with he's family to die . We are so shock . what we supposed to do? He say" He don't care about us ? 

hi, I report him , I tell you samething  hes the one is going to get out ,i will not live my house . And for the first time in my life , I hit him back and he's brothers was caming in to the door and show everything and got at him . the social worker from hospice tell him " yes because you are sick , don't give you a right to treat her or anyone like that " I tell him ." Hurts? Good I'm glad ,now  you  know how is feeling pain " . 

I wish never happing , but hey , I was defining myshelf ! . 

Hello.  My husband is so mean. I have put up with it because I love him. He has liver cancer stave IV and complete over 2 rounds.... He doesn't take pain or psych meds. It's gotten so difficult... I feel so hopeless and becoming depressed.  He's chased everyone away and seems very ill and frail but his words n cruelty cut like a large knife into my heart!!  He was healthy, strong and sweet and this man I live with is nothing like the man I married.  I work and finances are tough, the kids are gone and moved And don't visit anymore.  They are stressed every time they come here, so I can't blame them.  He's soooooo rude!!!  I tried to work toward happiness by being loving... It just doesn't work.  He accuses me of everything... Cheating, lying, backstabbing being an alcoholic, all while using demeaning language.  One day he'll say he just wants to die and others he will leave me, but NEVER is he grateful I'm here.... And IM THE ONLY ONE HERE.  HEs invited friends and family to come help and after some time they leave bewildered.... I'm very far from home and wish I could just quit.  I'm the person with benefits and rent etc... I wish I knew what to do... I want to leave him, but the guilt.... He's even humiliated me at work (where I was just promoted and I love and worked hard 8 long years)... ugh........ I want to leave so bad.... No counseling n no support group either .... So this is me.........

zinniemay said:

Angry
I think that we are all angry, Angry our spouse got cancer, angry at how little who know about it. Angry that people say sorry to hear that. I think Angry is a part of cancer they go hand in hand.
My husband and I have been married 36 years, Yes he gets angry and he will say things but I have to leanr to not take it personally. Very hard to do when I am angry to. I tend to cry when he does this then he feels bad. So it is like even when you win you do not gain. I just remind myself that he is sick, that he still loves me. That we are in it for better or worse.
We live in a place with no such services, or if there are they are well hidden . I want to say I am sorry but that seams such a petty word to use. I think sounding it out on the board will help you too. You will see you are not as alone as you think. Some can expres it better than others.
In the end I know that I love my husband and he loves me . So I take it with a grain of salt. I am getting more back bone and when he does things that hurt me I tell him out how I feel.
Jennie

i'm the same , after he's diagnoses of Gallbladder cancer stage 4 , he also became very ungry ,but also very fisico and verbally abuser , I try everything , and not working ,even a social worker try to jestefied today in a letter he's behavior , I don't think is ok , the " por mam "treaming is wrong ,these is giving them the right to keep in doing it . I know maybe sounds harsh but  we the spouses caregivers so have more support and same one should tell them that is Not Ok . The we love them and care , 

Yazmine said:

Hi,

I still here ,I try everything after that incident ,went good for a short time , know he's back   What is ungry more the everything is a social worker trying to  jesterfied he's acts ,yes because " he's dueling with cancer" and " i can't ever know"  abuse is abuse and is not alright , and I think should be someone to tell them that .  

 

Is trying to justify your husband's actions?

Noellesmom said:

The social worker?

Is trying to justify your husband's actions?

yes , these woman is a shame , i spoke to the case manager of Santera he's nurse and show her these amail , 

she can't belive her eyes ,

rdsmom said:

Thank you.  Its getting worse

Thank you.  Its getting worse not better.  I'm so mentally and physically beaten down by this man who can't do much to help me beacuse he is fighting a terminal disease.  Today was just another examples of how he'll berate me for not doing exactly what he wanted and then slam as many insults as he can at me because i'm doing what i have to (in this instance, work).  I foolishly relied on him to watch the baby this morning who got up at 5am, while i tried to catch another 1/2 hour of sleep before i went to work, after having been up all nght with our son who is getting molars in and having a terrible time of it while his father slept seemingly soundly.  i should have known that i would 'pay' for it.  he's fighting a disease and needs his rest, while he's killing me.  I feel like i'm this lifeless worthless blob that has a baby, who is wonderful, all because his father has cancer and has decides that no one matters but the baby.  I'm genuinely scared to divorce, as i don't think my husband has anything to lose anymore, but i don't think i have a choice anymore and either i 'die' slowly at his hands or take the risk of him going off the deep end.  I'm waiting for his scan in September to either come back with good news or the very worst so that this hell can end and then i feel worse beacsue i feel like i'm wishing someone to die.   I know i have to protect my son, i know i can't let my son see his mother treated this way because my mother in law will be the first one to say what my husband is saying to me is what her husband said to her when he was drinking (she stayed with him and put up with it - but has such a support system in her sisters, where i have none).  Even our joint marital counselor who has zero bias has told me to leave, but i can't get past the guilt.  Financially, i'm the breadwinner, so i already know i'll have to pay him spousal support but am somewhat confident i would get full custody of our sweet baby (due to his diagnosis and insistance he can't woprk or watch the baby full time), but then I am so scared of what a judge will think of me for leaving.  The funny thing (not so funny) is that i think his parents don't want me to divorce him because then they know they have to put up with him.  Please please please don't judge me.

If anyone judges you SHAME ON THEM!!!! I too am the caregiver for a sick husband.  Diagnosed with stage 3 multiple myeloma almost two years ago after his hip and pelvis crumbled.  I too am mad because if they had done furthur testing before maybe he would have been diagnosed before the damage was done.  He is now on a combo of  meds including dexamethasome (i call it the devil pill). Every Tuesday a large dose of this **** and he eats all day(its a steroid) doesn't sleep at night and thinks he is superman.  Then the next two days he sleeps and between naps he tosses insults because he seems unable to understand what I or anyone else say to him.  He gets simple things that are said turned around in his mind and all *** breaks loose.  He becomes aggressive in everything he does.  I have appologised to neighbors, friends, and family members for him.  Then other days he is as nice as can be. I have seen him start an argument then try to become a friend during a music concert we went to. I tell others he has cancer and the meds are causing him to be this way but if he finds out I get yelled at for telling "his business".  I am partly responsible because I do not just back down. I wish I could but am so frustrated. It is like being slapped back and forth NIce-Mean-NiCE-MEAN  etc. etc. Doctors say "yes this drug causes "irritability". IRRITABILITY?????? Doctors should not minimize any of it. It turns a normal person into a freaking nut case with their spouse becoming a nut case too. Thankfully our kids are grown.  But if I were like you with a child of any age at home I would not want them subject to this .  Anyone who judges you has not had to walk in your shoes.  As for your in-laws. I still believe alcoholism is a treatable dependency(I hate it when they call it a desease ) and if your mother in law put up with it it was because she CHOSE to. Don't let her guilt you. Since she was so good at it maybe she'll be good at taking care of her son and you can save your child and yourself. Get your husband on social security dissability and he can pay his MOm to care for him.  I care about you.

Noellesmom said:

Anger is so debilitating
The problem with anger, whether you are a cancer survivor or a cancer patient caretaker, is that it feeds on itself. Once the cycle gets started, it is off and running. And it is amazing how it takes on a life of its own. The flip-side of anger is apathy, where one doesn't feel anything at all and I would rather have anger, personally speaking.

My husband of 32 years currently has stage IV hypopharyngeal cancer (a type of throat cancer). Believe me, pre-cancer there was all kinds of anger and disappointment because he is also an alcoholic. Although he hasn't had a drink for several months because he opted to go through a (thankfully) successful treatment program, 30 years of drinking left its damage on our marriage. I would like to be able to shake my finger and tell him "I told you so" about the drinking and smoking(which he still does), but, to what avail? The damage is done, both to his body and to our marriage.

I am disappointed I did not matter more to him than this. I know he loves me but an intelligent person could see this was coming - why not prevent it? Reality is as he says: the alcohol had hold of him and he couldn't hear a word I was saying until I told him I was leaving. Then, he woke up.

But, and here is the tricky part, you don't have to stay with him and the pain. Even if you said until death do you part, you don't have to. God does not expect you to stay and be abused, and, whether you have put a name on it or not, that's what it is called - abuse.

And, maybe, just like with my husband, your decision to leave will wake him up to reality. Be prepared to do it, just pray you don't have to leave. And do you really have the marriage you need, anyway?

Had I known Jim would stop drinking when I threatened to leave, I would have left him years ago. And maybe now he wouldn't be facing what is likely a terminal disease.

Take care of yourself. It is your turn.

I stumbled upon this discussion board and I have to say I am so thankful that I did. I've been feeling like the most horrible person on the face of the planet. I recently left my husband of 26 years and moved into a small townhouse. My husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 rectal Cancer 3 years ago and we fought the fight and won that battle, unfortunately the cancer metastasized to his lung 8 months ago and he was restaged to 4. He had the lower left lobe of his luing removed and choose to do another round of chemo. He is thankfully once again cancer free.

The thing he is not free from is alcoholism. Up until June of 2015 my husband was sober for almost 11 years and choose to start drinking again becasue he thought he could handle it. I asked him not too and told him that I was afraid that this would ruin our marriage. Prior to me moving out of our beautiful home of nearly 14 years, we had been separated 2 times prior becasue of his drinking. Due to these separations I attended counseling, alanon, & church and I found myself. I stopped being the co-dependent wife that enable her alcoholic husband. I am strong, independent and no longer accept the choices that he makes when it comes to drinking. 

I love my husband deeply, and will always be by his side to continue to fight this cancer but I had to walk away from our 26 yr. marriage to save myself from the depression and anxiety that I was starting to feel. I have been so conflicted. I found myself getting ready to allow him to use the drinking as a coping mechanism because he is afraid he will get sick again. Most assuredly he will if he continues to drink the way that he is. I have absolutely no doubt that this is how he got cancer to begin with, the drinking along with chewing tobacco for most of his life. I cannot sit by and enable him to kill himself once again. I cannot sit by and allow him to blame me for his unhappy life and tell me I am a horrible caregiver because I don't understand what he is going through. 

I have separated the two diseases. I needed too. One is a disease of choice, the other is one we can not control. When a person has cancer and chooses to put the very thing in his body that most likely gave him the cancer in the first place I find it hard to be suportive of that choice. We made it through the hardest battles of our lives by giving up alcohol and by holding hands through the radiation, surgeries, & chemo. To give up on what we know works is unacceptable for me. 

I guess I needed to vent and just write it down. Like I said earlier until now I thought I was the only person dealing with alcoholism and cancer and the effects it has on us as wives and caregivers. 

I have decided once again (3rd time) to put myself first and to move on from this mess of a marriage. I promised to be by his side through the cancer battle but I told him it will have to be as a friend becasue I cannot do the alcohol stuff again. He of course says he'll quit, but hasn't, and says things will be different this time, yet throws in the "you just don't uderstand what it's like to have cancer" comments on a regular basis and through all of the counseling and journaling and crying and praying I discovered that he's right I don't understand what it's like to actually have cancer and I hope I never do, but I do know what it's like to watch your husband give up and take a path that is unhealthy and I refuse to support that behavior. 

Our grown children said "Mom, you've been through enough"...

Thanks for providing me a place to vent and get it out, I hope that in some way my words offer some sort of connection and support. I know the decision I made to walk away from my marriage is not one that most would make but in case there is one other person out there feeling like me, just know you're not alone...

I'm choodsing to take care of me now!!! 

Hi, I'm new here and thankful to have found this discussion.

We're dealing with hubby's liver cancer, diagnosed earlier this year. He's has had a few chemo and radiation treatments. He is, as of late, very angry. Understandably so. But I am dealing with the cancer with him, and don't appreciate being berated by him.

He isn't one to go talk with anyone, if it were available. 

Cancer really does suck. It's taking him from a happy go lucky, healthy, helpful guy to an angry, disgusted, mean guy who doesn't see the point in doing much of anything. That is...whenever he feels good enough to do something.

I try to keep quiet. I honestly do. I can't even imagine how angry I would be in his shoes. Thank God he's a strong guy. 

There are times when his anger goes to far. So I do speak up. As gently as possible. But inside, I'm seething.

So, I'm so very thankful to have found this board. It does help to talk about it and know that you aren't as alone as you feel.

My prayers are with you all.

Noellesmom said:

Chris, call the oncology staff

There are medications that could help, there are support groups for both of you. Take care of yourself, Cris.

You need to let the oncology staff know what is going on. Do not try to carry this by yourself.  

I will take your advice and speak to the oncologist. I've noticed that they aren't the most hands on, caring types. But I'll try. 

I will say, when we dealt with the radiation team, they were outstanding. They went above and beyond. I wish they were still part of our team