Frustration

Hello everyone. I'm not sure if it's premature to be joining this community or anything like that but I need an outlet that I can express how I'm feeling in a place where I won't be judged or diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or something. A little bit of information about me: I just turned 30 on October 1st of this year, I'm not a smoker anymore (I smoked for 6 years and then quit because I had smoker's cough from the beginning), I don't drink alcohol very often and I don't do drugs. I have no kids and I'm single. And I'm waiting to get a biopsy done to find out if I have cancer.

On September 24th, 2016, I went and got an abdominal CT to verify if my sigmoid colon had gone down in swelling enough to get a colonoscopy after having diverticulitis at the beginning of the month, for which I was hospitalized. At the time of the hospitalization, they did an abdominal CT to see why I was in so much pain and verify the diagnosis. At the time, they verified the diverticulitis. The CT done nearly a month later showed I had lytic lesions on my L5 vertebrae and that indicated I needed an MRI and bone scan to find out more. I got those scans on October 7th and 8th. A biopsy has been recommended for further diagnosis on if this is a begnin or malignant tumor.

Since the initial call from my doctor about the CT scan, I've gone through a myriad of emotions and my parents have been with me every step of the way on this. However, I'm only a month into the process of discovering this whole thing and I've already become more frustrated than I can put into words with my mother. Since the beginning, when I told her about the lesions, she's been upset and I understand that. However, her move is to automatically become overly supportive or affectionate and I don't want that all the time. I also live with my parents as I don't have the money to move out as I originally planned with the recent hospital bills.

Today, I scheduled an appointment with a neurosurgeon at the facility where my primary care doctor sent the request to get the biopsy done and I told my mom some general information about the appointment but I also told her I don't want her there for this one because it's likely we're going to just go over my medical history and symptoms, or lack thereof. You see, my mom got permission from her boss to be there for any and all appointments that I have. She has told me repeatedly she wants to be there for me.

My question on this matter is this: Am I wrong to not want her there for EVERY single appointment? Am I wrong for wanting to have some of these without her there, without her giving me that watery stare and grabbing my hand to squeeze it every few minutes? Am I wrong to want some time to myself to cope and to think about what may or may not be? Am I wrong to want to not have someone crying or being overly helpful at my side at every visit to a physician? Because I think she wants to be there more because it comforts her than it comforts me. Not only that, but the last two times she came to an appointment with me, she asked me if I had enough money to pay for the visits. She said it loudly enough that the other people in the room were looking at us both. It was humiliating.

I'm getting more and more frustrated with her because she keeps trying to spend a ton of time with me and before, she was fine with us both doing our own thing. We haven't even had the biopsy or gotten a diagnosis! She keeps chirping about being positive and hoping for the best in one breath and then talking about flying out to New York City to go to this one hospital that has entire teams dedicated to the specialty of dealing with spinal tumors. I've gotten to the point that if I get home before her, I go to my bedroom and hang a sign on my door asking to be left alone because she's always in my personal space.

I know we all have different ways of dealing with things like this but I'm to the point of wanting to move out just so I can have some peace from her constantly wanting to tell me about the cases she's read about on spinal tumors and cancers and the different treatments I could get. I've had to tell her and my dad that they have no say in my medical treatment because she was talking about getting us all absentee ballots for the election. She was already PLANNING on my being hospitalized by then. She had this whole fantasy in her head where I'd be getting this thing taken out inside of a month. She talks about my condition and things relating to it in terms of 'getting this taken care of,' or 'getting this resolved.'

I feel like this is a problem that she wants to go away and she isn't considering how I'm being affected by this. I don't get any time alone because as soon as I step out of my room, she's there. My parents are suddenly always around. On top of that, I'm not allowed to carry anything that she doesn't approve of. So, when I needed to do laundry and had a lot of clothes to wash, she insisted that she and my dad were the ones to carry it down, wash it, hang it up and then bring it back to my room. I was not allowed to do it by myself. At all. Because the lesions on my L5 have weakened the bone to the point where there's concern of a fracture happening, she has started to treat me like a child in that respect. She freaked out when I walked out into the rain. She was afraid I was going to slip and fall in the rain and break my back.

Admittedly, this is partially my fault because I told my parents that one really bad fall from slipping on the ice or falling down the stairs could cause a fracture or I could have a compression fracture just by existing and doing what people do on a daily basis, like walking. But this has been more than a little frustrating. I feel like I am not allowed to express any emotion about anything going on because she continually talks about how this person or that person at work saw her crying. Or she'll be talking about these cases she's read about and she'll start crying. I think I've spent maybe an hour or two where I get to cry and vent my own emotions without interruption or without her trying to 'comfort' me.

Last weekend, they told me that they had planned to take me out to Ann Arbor to look at the clinic and to 'go shopping and do fun stuff' out there. I told them I didn't want to go because nothing is scheduled or set in stone yet. I told them that if they want to go out there, that's fine. I don't mind being alone for the day. But I am not kidding when I say that I can't get more than a few hours to myself. I've begun to realize that I'm displaying a lot of symptoms of someone suffering from moderate to severe anxiety because I don't get the time to really cope on my own. Most of the time I get to myself is when I'm driving to and from work. That's it. I shake at times, even if I'm not cold. Sometimes I feel dizzy for no reason. My heart will pound in my chest and I'll have been sitting down for most of the day. I'm considering going to a therapist to verify that it is anxiety and see if there's anything they can give me to calm my nerves. 

I'm sorry that this turned into a post where all I do is vent about how wonderfully supportive my parents are. I know that having support, no matter what stage of diagnosis you're at, is extremely important. But I feel like this is too much and far too fast. So, am I wrong? Am I not allowed to feel this way? I need some thoughts.