1st Examination after surgery and chemo

Hi ladies.... I need some support- I have been trying so hard to get my "brave" on for this 1st exam tomorrow (19th) but I am not sleeping well and today actually shaking and emotional.

I am going to share something with you that almost no one knows with the hopes that perhaps I am not alone???  This particular cancer is just my worst nightmare because of the exams.  My husband and I have never had children and because of my severe issues with being overweight it was always just so shameful to go to the Dr.  I suffered with endo and excruciating pain and exhaustion and NEVER WENT- never had my yearly exams, never complained or mentioned it because I was terrified that they would want to get even more into things.  I went to a lady gyn who almost let me die because we got an abnormal pap AFTER I went in for the spotting that had turned into heavy bleeding and she said don't worry we'll recheck in a year!  Lucky for me she was on vacation when test results came in and her stand in without ever seeing me referred me to a women's specialist who started doing biopsies and tests, ultra sound etc.  I would have never gone but my acupuncturist told me it was possibly a red flag because of my age.

It was slow going at first but then suddenly I had the diagnosis and off I went on the roller coaster- I was referred to my first Gyn Onc and it was only THEN that I faced a horrid truth - on the exam table- as I was falling apart I found my voice and asked HIM to stop- He did immediately as both He and His nurse could tell I was under great emotional stress.  He let the table down and got real quiet and asked me what was wrong- I finally said outloud after all these years that I had been raped as a young girl and that I needed a minute.  He said, "It's ok" you get dressed and we will come back in and talk.  I said we can't talk in front of my husband- he doesn't know!  Those moments were HUGE and thank goodness it was this man and his nurse because they couldn't have been more supportive or concerned.

They left the room and came back in a few- I was crying because I was afraid I had stopped the process and was going to have to wait to find someone else and that the delay would mean my disease would be worse.  He helped with those fears and said I promise you you will not lose a moment!  You need to go to my partner she is AMAZING and you will love her- He said remember, you are going to have a lifelong relationship with the person who is going to follow you- there will be many exams and checkups and you need to be comfortable!  He set up a pet scan for Sat., referred me to his partner, my wonderful gyn onc surgeon and she opened a day for me that Monday! 

I made it through those exams and surgery but here we are at another 1st exam after chemo.  My legs shake so bad and I can't relax.  She knows about the rape and I was able to tell my husband which was HUGE!  I also have a therapist who I've seen for several years and I finally was able to share it with them!!!  That is part of the blessing of this cancer "journey"!  It has freed me to have a voice and to recognize what happened was not my fault.  Some say that it's possible that's why the cancer developed there where all my negative thoughts and feelings have been directed all my life!!!  It was so bad that I really didn't want to be a woman anymore.

I appreciate your patience wading through this and for letting me get it out somewhere safe.  I would especially appreciate your prayers tomorrow as I face this.... I don't ever see it getting easier but I hope I can somehow make it ok and not be so afraid.  I know she isn't going to hurt me on purpose but I've read the threads about the pain that can come after surgery.  I'm facing radiation and right now there is NO WAY I can put myself through that for a number of reasons but this is one of them.

If there is anyone else out there who is facing secrets, guilt, shame whatever- please know that letting it out and letting it go, FORGIVENESS of self and others is key to beginning the healing and the postitive thinking everyone talks about- I didn't think it was possible but here I am 7 months later and I am a different more free person who is finding her voice and finding a new normal- almost a new life and it's all because of the "gift" of cancer.  I know that sounds weird but in my case that's what it is.

Many (((HUGS))) and shaking steps forward xoxo