Not knowing what to say

phuckcancer
phuckcancer Member Posts: 63 Member
in Caregivers #1

I swear, this is so hard. You feel bad because you don't have the C and are the one trying to offer support and make it make some kind of sense, then you feel bad because you feel anything you say sounds stupid, then you just feel plain stupid.

They ask you to be the strong one and not get upset so they can be strong but then I wonder if he thinks I don't care because I am trying to hold back my feelings in front of him, based on what he asked me to do. I wonder if I seem hard and uncaring.

I cry when I am alone. I cry in the car, I cry .. I just cry. I cry when I know there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do.

As much as someone may irritate you, be mean to you, take out their fristration on you, etc.. you still don't want this to happen to them.

I am such a mess :l

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    I hear you

    But you sound pretty normal to me.

    We all deal with it differently.  There is probably no wrong way.

  • renthead621
    renthead621 Member Posts: 2
    #3
    In the same boat

    My husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic colon cancer which spread to his liver and abdomenal lymph nodes in June and he's been going to chemo since a week after his diagnosis. Last week he had another CT scan and it showed that he has legions on his lungs and I don't know what to do. He was healty aside from minor diabetes up until a low iron count in April. His iron levels have begun to go down since he's not allowed to take the iron pills due to the colon cancer is causing a blockage in his bowels and if he gets constipated, it could be very dangerous. I'm constantly depressed and anxious and have started cutting my hair. I'm constantly in danger of losing it and I don't know what to do. I've been through the whole colon cancer thing with my mother and I know how this ends. A year after it spread to her lungs, it went to her brain and 6 months later she was gone. He's only 44 years old and I don't want to lose him, but I know I am. The doctors keep adding chemo meds, so he's on 3 now. Capcetibine, Xaloda and Cetuximeb. I want it to work, but have a bad feeling it's not and I'm scared to death.

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    edited September 2016 #4
    Goodness

    At the end of the day, you have to get yourself ready to go on alone. Could be the cancer, a heart attack or a car accident but you may very well have to move forward alone.

    If you are suffering beyond what you feel able to handle, see your own doctor and get some help. 

    This is not an easy road.

  • bernardlvnv
    bernardlvnv Member Posts: 1
    edited October 2016 #5
    I don't know how to start.

    My brother just got diagnosed with cancer, and honestly my mind is blank, I dont know what to say, but I feel like every day I dont call him up, is a day wasted. I want to spend more time with him but I just dont know what to do. Thanks in advance.

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    edited October 2016 #6
    First of all

    Just letting him know you care is so important.

    If you live clause and are able, offer to help with travel to appts and treatment. Follow through.

    Talk with whomever will be his primary caregiver and let them know you want to support them in this journey.

    Take a deep breath and then let it go. You have to take care of yourself first if you are going to help your brother.

  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    edited October 2016 #7
    bernardlvnv said:

    I don't know how to start.

    My brother just got diagnosed with cancer, and honestly my mind is blank, I dont know what to say, but I feel like every day I dont call him up, is a day wasted. I want to spend more time with him but I just dont know what to do. Thanks in advance.

    Suggest ideas to him

    Bernardlvnv -  I am a caregiver to my husband who has cancer and mother for over 2 years now.  I wanted to reply to your comment that you don't know what to say or what to do.  I think it is normal to feel that way.  Since the diagnosis is recent you are struggling to get your head around it.  I think it is a process that evolves over time.  You will find your footing.  

    I just wanted to offer ideas that have helped me as a caregiver and also as someone who has had people around me wanting to help.  The areas of groceries, meal preparation, laundry, house cleaning, and pet care seem to be areas that I have received help with and am grateful for.  If you are willing to take on any of these for your brother, perhaps you could suggest something to him.  If he accepts, then do it.  Please don't offer to do something you cannot follow through on or get yourself over-committed.  If you cannot take on any of these items, that is OK.  Just a phone call, text, or other communication is good too.  

    There are online services that will deliver meals.  If you live far away from your brother, you could pay in advance and have them delivered to your brother on days that will be good for him.  Groceries can also be ordered online and delivered.  He may not have an appetite, but sometimes may feel like a glass of orange juice, chicken soup or a piece of toast and he may appreciate that he has something like that in his refridgerator, freezer or cupboard.  Use your judgement.  

    As for what to say, if you are spiritual you could tell him you will hold him in your positive thoughts and keep him in your prayers.  People rise up when they need to and cam make it through tough times.  You could tell him you know he is strong and has what it takes to get through this.  It's more that just physical with cancer, it is emotional and mental too.    

     

         

     

         

               

  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    edited October 2016 #8
    Noellesmom said:

    First of all

    Just letting him know you care is so important.

    If you live clause and are able, offer to help with travel to appts and treatment. Follow through.

    Talk with whomever will be his primary caregiver and let them know you want to support them in this journey.

    Take a deep breath and then let it go. You have to take care of yourself first if you are going to help your brother.

    Yes, talk to his primary caregiver - please

    Oops, I forgot to call out one very important detail in your feeling like you want to do something for your brother.  Please, as Noellesmom stated, DO talk to your brother's primary caregiver asking if he/she has any ideas for you or if you want to offer suggestions of your own.  Including that person in your discussions and aligning with them is important.  It helps if the people around your brother are working "in harmony" as much as possible.      

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