disfunction with in family

Wcdep100
Wcdep100 Member Posts: 2
in Caregivers #1

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 weeks ago. As one would believe it has turned our world up side down.   Since the diagnosis she has repeatedly state "this is a death sentence" " doing chemotherapy will kill me, I would rather be dead then deal with it." I have tried to get her to talk with counsellors that are a free service where she is being treated because I don't know how to help her. She has refused saying that they will only try to tell her how she should think and feel. She had surgery to remove the lump from her breast and had 12 lymph nods removed. Cancer was only found in 1 nod that it was already known to be in. The after surgery treatment she has been given is 20 weeks of chemotherapy and 6 weeks of radiation. 

In her decision of doing this she has said that she wants it to be a decision that we as a couple make. She then will say she needs to be the person in charge of saying what happens and goes on. I have given her this freedom and told her that I will love her no matter what she decided. She made the decision to go through with treatment dispite her fears and anxieties. 

Leading up to this decision she become angry with everyone about any small matter and has stated she feels everyone has pushed her into this. My wife has also stated that no one has showed her that they love her enough for her to do this. All of this had lead to incredible disfunction in our home. It has been hard on my myself and a daughter that still lives at home. We have done all that we can to help and understand her. Baring the brunt of her anger and blame for this has taken its toll on our home. I do not know what else to do. I believe that counseling would help greatly but she will not go with me or by herself. I would like to go by myself but believe that it will only cause more problems.

Comments

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    edited September 2016 #2
    Your wife

    I am sorry to hear about your wife.  The decision for treatment is hers and hers alone.  Chemo does have its side effects.  My sister is a 14 year survivor of triple negative breast cancer.  She was told she needed to have her breast removed, but she didn't want that so she didn't, just the lumpetcomy and then underwent chemo and radiation.  She does have side effects today from the chemo.  The chemo also weakened her heart.

    My husband fought throat cancer for 5 years.  Surgery and many radiation and chemo treatments.  Finally he said no more.  It was his decision and neither I nor our grown sons tried to talk him out of more chemo.  He knew the consequences and it was his choice.  One of my daughters-in-law, her aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She had surgery and one chemo treatment and said no more.  The chemo made her deathly ill.  She did great for a few years and now the cancer has spread throughout her body and they have given her months to live.  It was her choice and her's alone. 

    I understand your wife because I have said after watching what my husband went thru that if I was diagnosed with cancer I don't think I could go thru what he went thru.  Counseling would benefit both of you and if she won't go, then go yourself regardless of what your wife thinks.  As caregivers we can never understand what the person with cancer goes thru, we might think we do because we are there every step of the way, but still we don't.  Same goes for patients not understanding what a caregiver goes thru and how it effects us. 

    Your wife is afraid, can't blame her.  But as long as she understands what can happen without further treatment, then the choice is hers and hers alone.

    Wishing you best and comfort

  • vv79
    vv79 Member Posts: 1
    edited September 2016 #3
    your wife

    One thing you must understand as a caregiver is that whenever the word cancer enters a persons life it causes a great deal of fear. That is what your wife is experiencing now. Please do not take her anger personally as anger is a stage of the process. Fighting mode comes next. Once a treatment plan is in place and begins, you will find that her fears will begin to diminish. Cancer is frightening, chemotherapy and side effects are frightening and at this point it is all an unknown experience to your wife.  And she is right, the decision for treatment is only hers. Let her know that you are proud of her that she has decided to move forward despite her fears. That is the first step in the right direction. What she needs most now is love and encouragement from those around her. Even just holding her without saying a word is a great form of support. Sometimes that is all that is needed to get past a tough period of emotion. Please do not reprimand her for feeling down, expressing anger, fear or the whole other range of emotions that go with a cancer diagnosis. This is a very hard time. This is a very trying time for everyone and one when caregivers need to exercise a great amount of patience with their loved ones. Take it one day at a time and this too shall pass. 

  • Wcdep100
    Wcdep100 Member Posts: 2
    #4
    Ladylacy said:

    Your wife

    I am sorry to hear about your wife.  The decision for treatment is hers and hers alone.  Chemo does have its side effects.  My sister is a 14 year survivor of triple negative breast cancer.  She was told she needed to have her breast removed, but she didn't want that so she didn't, just the lumpetcomy and then underwent chemo and radiation.  She does have side effects today from the chemo.  The chemo also weakened her heart.

    My husband fought throat cancer for 5 years.  Surgery and many radiation and chemo treatments.  Finally he said no more.  It was his decision and neither I nor our grown sons tried to talk him out of more chemo.  He knew the consequences and it was his choice.  One of my daughters-in-law, her aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She had surgery and one chemo treatment and said no more.  The chemo made her deathly ill.  She did great for a few years and now the cancer has spread throughout her body and they have given her months to live.  It was her choice and her's alone. 

    I understand your wife because I have said after watching what my husband went thru that if I was diagnosed with cancer I don't think I could go thru what he went thru.  Counseling would benefit both of you and if she won't go, then go yourself regardless of what your wife thinks.  As caregivers we can never understand what the person with cancer goes thru, we might think we do because we are there every step of the way, but still we don't.  Same goes for patients not understanding what a caregiver goes thru and how it effects us. 

    Your wife is afraid, can't blame her.  But as long as she understands what can happen without further treatment, then the choice is hers and hers alone.

    Wishing you best and comfort

    .

    Thank you for respondping and your thoughts. They have helped me. I take the love I have for my wife seriously. It has been difficult hearing tell me that I have never loved her enough for her to do this. I felt it important she make the decision because it is her body this is being done to. 

  • SpTeach
    SpTeach Member Posts: 32
    #5
    Wcdep100 said:

    .

    Thank you for respondping and your thoughts. They have helped me. I take the love I have for my wife seriously. It has been difficult hearing tell me that I have never loved her enough for her to do this. I felt it important she make the decision because it is her body this is being done to. 

    Know what you're going through

    Hi,

         I just wanted to take a minute and send a quick reply.  My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2013.  She underwent 16 rounds of chemo, and a double mastectomy.  When all was said and done and pathology came back she had become HER 2 positive, that was another year of infusion and treatment.  During that time there were plenty of angry outbursts, tears and accusations.  to this day my wife doesn't remember some of the things she said to me.  Chemo can be a very rough road, and it changed her personality for quite a while.  As someone else stated, she still has chemo effects today.  On the positive side, my wife is cancer free now, doing  much better emotionally, she says she is still finding her new normal, but we are closer now than before.  Please be patient and know that your wife is scared and deperate.  Right now she is striking out at those that love her because that is safe (my opinion).  Love her, hold her and forgive her.  When you need time away, take it.  I still have my wife and that's what's important.  God Bless and know it will get better.

     

    Doug

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