Struggling emotionally

I am feeling a bit better this afternoon, after having a little dance party with my daughter this morning, and running errands with my sister. We both listened to a meditation and then talked a lot, which felt good. I'm increasing my SSRI a bit to see if that helps take the edge off, and in the mean time, I think I need to accept and feel compassion for the tremendous amount of trauma that I just went through with treatment. Matt, you're right. The MOST important thing it took from me is my cancer (fingers crossed, but I feel in my heart it's gone), and everything else will come back in time. And, maybe those who say that I won't be the same after this are correct, but that doesn't mean that the essence of who I am is gone or that what comes next won't be richer. 

Now, if I could just cultivate patience with the damn eating and getting off the PEG tube. In so many ways I'm doing great - no pain in my throat or mouth, I can swallow like a champ, my fatigue is slowly ebbing, and my blood work looks great. It's my mind that needs to heal the most right now, I think. 

Kari

Sandraw said:

Hi

I understand. I'm about 2-3 months post treatment, just back to work this Monday and honestly doubt I could do it without a low dose ativan daily. My med oncologist put me on it at the very beginning and he said it helps with nsusea so he kept me on it during treatment. I told a friend recently, I don't know what's wrong with me, I should be celebrating NED!  And I'm just down alot. I have noticed working and staying busy helps if you have the energy, I remember having energy to fold clothes was a big thing after treatment. All I can say is its getting better for me, I just have to be patient, do what I can when I can and I've called my Doc about possibly getting an antidepressant. I hope when I can start getting more endurance for exercise, alot of these feelings I can work out maybe.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's good to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. Having cancer and going through the treatment we did was life changing. I think getting an anti depressant from your doctor is a good idea. I've been on one for years, but called my doctor today to increase the dosage. I think exercise will be a huge help for me, too. I haven't gotten out there more than a few times here and there for walks and my doctor says regular exercise will help the fatigue (and the mood). Much love to you. 

Fritz said:

Sorry you are down.

Kari:

Please hang in there. We all have to deal with this. I am 7 weeks post treatment today and still wonder what my "new normal" will be. I hope to hell it is not where I am today. I still have inflamation all along where my neck dissection was performed. The base of my tongue burns where it was removed. I have to have water or milk or some type of beverage on hand any time I eat as my saliva production is not enough to wash food down. I still have mucous scars deep in my throat that just drive me crazy. I probably have not really had a good night's sleep since March. I could go on and on but you get the drift.

So trust me, it is a long road but we have to hang in there. We have to accept the fact that we will probably never be the same as we were before. I hate that just as much as everyone on this site. But we can only control what we can control and that is our own attitude towards this miserable cancer. Keep your head up as the most important thing is that you are here to be with your daughter. Push through this time and hopefully all will get better emotionally for you.

Freddie

Thank you, Freddie, for your kindness and understanding. It's a hard road and easy to feel lost inside all the what ifs and why mes. I'd love a good night's sleep, too! I know I'm so early out of the gate. I guess patience isn't one of my virtues. 

Tmclaren said:

struggling emotionally

I was so depressed after my treatments I just did not handle things well .I was an emotional wreck felt like I was in the deepest darkest place that I could not get out of .It took me a while to get myself back on my feet.I got on an antidepressant and something for anxiety both of which I am still on after 3 years post treatment .I still have my days now but nothing like before .Dont be to hard on yourself this is one of the hardest hurdles we can go through in life it turns your whole world upside down at least it did mine .But it will get better it just takes time .I was positive I would never drive again and I was so sure I would never get of the feeding tube all of which Ive managed to do so I totally know how you feel .I will say I doubt I will ever feel like I did before as the treatments seemed to take a toll on me and I never seemed to gain the stamina i had before but everyone is different . I just look at it as this is my new normal .Trust me you will get there it just takes a while .I know exactly how you feel as I felt the same way.

I so relate to what you've said and what your fears are. I have talked to my doctor about increasing my dosage of antidepressant, so I'm hoping this helps. I'm also hoping weaning off all the meds will improve my mood, as well. So much has happened to my body in the last several weeks, I guess it makes sense that my mind is healing, as well. They are connected. 

CivilMatt said:

you have my strength and support

Kari,

The way you feel is just another of the unpopular side effects of treatment.  Remember, the most important thing that treatment took away from you was the cancer and as time (seems to) crawl along you will fall into your feel great, drive the car, play with your daughter and eat, eat, eat like any other normal person life.

Things truly do turn around and this will be a memory.

You are correct, many H&N members zip back into life and there is no competing with that.  I dare say you are doing better than some, be thankful.

If you need help there are lots of meds which will take the edge off, don’t be afraid to ask.

I have been in your shoes; my taste buds were mostly out to lunch for 7 months, but I am enjoying eating and that 7 months is way behind me.

Get better,

Matt

You've always got great insight and wisdom. I need to really give myself a break and let things come as they will. Perhaps once I'm back in school and focused on something other than what's going on with my body, the time will move faster and I'll at least be distracted from the tedium of recovery. Part of it, I think, is just having hours and hours to ruminate on all the thoughts in my head.