Cancer Diagnosis and a Toxic relationship.

dinagrey
dinagrey Member Posts: 4
in Caregivers #1

 I have been a caregiver, going on @ 6 years. First, for my mother, who was an amazingly, appreciative woman. Then a few years later, for my boyfriend's father, for a very long five years He passed last year from complications from emphysema. In between those five years, things have been tough for the b.f. and I. I even moved to another room a last year, and when I broached the subject of trying to work things out and move back into our bedroom his reply was no.....no desire to even try. I was ok with it, but sad.

 In April, after months of me begging him to see a cardiologist, ( he has had two heart attacks), cause he kept saying he didn't feel good.Finally, after a trip to the E.R., chest X-Ray and blood tests and CT scans , two weeks in the hospital, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 small, cell lung cancer that metastasized to a mass in center of chest and liver. And also emphysema. He just completed five chemo treatments. He did pretty good, other than severe fatigue. His appetite was good, still active some what. He had a few bad nights, which I provided good care. He even gained ten pounds. I guess, what I am saying, I have seen patients a lot worse. Not to say, the future does not look good for him and I feel great empathy for him. I still love him.

He has and is, very emotionally abusive. I am too exhausted to go into great detail, but it has gotten to the point, where I am seriously considering a domestic violence shelter. He has never hit me, but he tears me down every chance he gets. I am Strong, but after years of this, I am spent.

I also have moderate to severe Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have some bad days, where I am in a great deal of pain and have extensive fatigue. But, I do my best, to take care of myself.

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I just found out, the b.f, has had 29 thousand dollars from his dad's life insurance and some money donated by his former employer/ best friend. I am not a monetary person, but it is all gone. I believe he gave some money to a woman he is friends with ( and I believe, in love with), some money. She had breast cancer. I am glad he could help her, but at the same time I am so angry, because I was supposed to have a used car, and get a part time PAYING job. I guess, I am just trying to regain some dignity and have some of my own money. My meds. are $45 a month, and I am so depressed about his complaining cause he pays for it.

 Any advice or input would be appreciated.

Dina and God bless all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    Yes

    My advice is get out. Period.

    Send a private message if you would like to talk more.

    Hugs, Dina. GET OUT.

  • Catholic
    Catholic Member Posts: 86
    #3
    Going through same situation

    This paragraph:

    > He has and is, very emotionally abusive. I am too exhausted to go into great detail, but it has
    > gotten to the point, where I am seriously considering a domestic violence shelter. He has never
    > hit me, but he tears me down every chance he gets. I am Strong, but after years of this, I am spent.

    Really touches me personally.  My wife is and has been the same way.  Before being diagnosed with
    cancer, she was angry constantly.  She was angry with everyone and everything but really targetted her
    anger at me daily.  My wife would ask for a divorce, tell me "your a piece of ****", only talk to the kids, and/or
    say "I would be so happy if you would kill yourself".  She was awful to be around.

    Before being diagnosed with cancer, I lived with this angry spouse for years (not months!) and her
    comments and behavior became more and more irrational and mean.  My wife went through chemotherapy
    for a year, was polite for about 3 months and now 6 months after chemotherapy is about as mean
    as she was before she was diagnosed with cancer.  If we didnt have young kids together and she was just a
    girlfriend, I would leave in an instance and get an apartment.  I would probably still be involved in her life but from a
    distance and as a friend because I know she has nobody else to turn to.  She doesnt get along with her family
    at all.  Instead, I tolerate her comments and try to ignore which isnt easy.  You may be strong but you need
    breaks so at the very least, take them.  Go to the library and take a break or find things to do in your area and go
    do them.  You (1) get the break you need and deserve, (2) get away from the abuse.  I find that if I take breaks and
    do things that are fun (even going for a walk) that when I come home, I can tolerate the insanity.  If I dont take
    breaks and get out during the day, my wife tears into me the whole day and Im spent emotionally.  Take walks.
    Take breaks. Remember (and I forget this often) that those who are mean and get angry are tearing themselves
    down.  There are times my wife can really be angry and then I get angry but for the most part, I only get angry
    once every 6 months.  If I take breaks, I can go longer. 

    Your other comment about the money; the guy spent it and you say your not a monetary person.  You have to
    walk away from this one.  Keeping your sanity is more important than the money.  Your comment that

    "I am just trying to regain some dignity and have some of my own money"

    is spot on.  Dont worry about the money.  If the guy spent it or gave it away or flush it down the toilet, keep your
    composure and walk away from this argument.  You will have money on your own in time.  Retain your sanity
    first and foremost.  Your dignity never left you.  Money will follow.

     

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