anger towards caregiver

My father in law is 91. He was diagnosed with prostrate cancer 12 months ago. It has obviously spread quickly as he now has been diagnosed with bone cancer. He was in denial. He has been,  up to the past four months, such an extremely active man, caring for his wife who now has the start of dementia. He can hardly walk, yet insists he can still make meals for him and his wife but relies on the family, particularly myself, to help out. The last couple of weeks has proved so distressing as he has become so angry and basically, extremely nasty, so much so, he's had the family in tears by his comments and aggressive attitude. He has increased the morphine tablets, which he so was against taking any medication and has started on steroids.  I think we have now come to our wits end as we feel we can't take any more and are yet left with a terrible guilt that we have to be there even though his behaviour is becoming unbearable. Can anyone please advise what we can do to help him! 

Paulinebmc said:

Father in law's anger

My father in law is 91. He was diagnosed with prostrate cancer 12 months ago. It has obviously spread quickly as he now has been diagnosed with bone cancer. He was in denial. He has been,  up to the past four months, such an extremely active man, caring for his wife who now has the start of dementia. He can hardly walk, yet insists he can still make meals for him and his wife but relies on the family, particularly myself, to help out. The last couple of weeks has proved so distressing as he has become so angry and basically, extremely nasty, so much so, he's had the family in tears by his comments and aggressive attitude. He has increased the morphine tablets, which he so was against taking any medication and has started on steroids.  I think we have now come to our wits end as we feel we can't take any more and are yet left with a terrible guilt that we have to be there even though his behaviour is becoming unbearable. Can anyone please advise what we can do to help him! 

Hi Pauline, my grandfather was also the primary caretaker for grandma, and when he got sick it wasn't just anger but fear, hopelessness, frustration that made him lash out. Luckily (?) one day my grandma (who also had mild dementia) just didn't wake up, she was lucky enough to pass away in her sleep at home in bed. His burden to care for her was immediately lifted. He still is easily angered, and says things he shouldn't, and it hurts to hear, but one strategy we have is to send in a decoy- someone to keep him occupied and talking while the worker bees clean house, stock the fridge, check medicine, whatever. Also, getting his pain under control is very important. Try talking to the doctor about which pain meds he is on, if there may be a better option. Also, they give my son Adderall for energy and it greatly improves his mood, too (he has end-stage brain cancer and can also be very moody/angry). Its amazing what the right medicine can do! Best wishes!

ssc1202 said:

This is all new and raw for

This is all new and raw for me. My husband was just recently diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma at the base of his tongue. He has had only 1 chemo treatment along with the steroids. He is a big burly former football coach who doesn't handle being sick well. He has been so irritable and grumpy but only with me!! I know it's the chemo talking but it's really hard to not take it personally.  I cry a lot because I don't know what to say and try not to upset him. 

i am relieved to read previous comments and know it isn't just me!!

Your post sounds like I couldve wrote it, i feel the same way. My husband was newly diagnosed with the same cancer and had 2 chemo treatments and 1 to go. If you ever need to talk with someone who feels the same way and whos husband is also going through the same thing just message me. Good luck and I hope you both get better soon.

I'm so glad I found this thread. My husband was in July diagnosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer. He had resection surgery in early August and started three months of adjuvant chemo, with CAPOX, in mid September. While it initially seemed that the chemo would be quite manageable, he started developing complications towards the end of his second round. Initially, severe fatigue, then DVT (of which he has a history), and then severe chronic diarrhea, mouthsores and dehydration. The oncologist stopped his Xeloda pills two days ago and he is presently being evaluated for DPD insufficiency, for which he had not been tested prior to the start of the treatment. Another form of treatment will probably be necessary when his DPD status is confirmed and when he recovers from his current complications. While we were initially optimistic and determined to fight this together, the developments of the last weeks have been demoralizing and my husband has become more and more demanding and difficult to deal with, despite my best efforts. There have been several instances of verbal abuse and unreasonable behaviour, which has been very upsetting to me, as it usually happened while I was assisting. It now appears that I cannot do anything right. Just a while ago, I was yelled at to go away, when I encouraged him to drink more, and then called back twice in a minute, with equal aggression, over minor matters he could easily have dealt with himself. It really helps to put things in perspective to read that this is quite common, and it makes me understand why, as I have been bewildered. I am committed to support him through this situation, and have put most of my freelance work on hold, and hope that we will be able to recover our initial optimism. I'll check back here regularly.