Emotional toll

It's so good to hear words of encouragement from those who know what it is to live this. Mornings are my tough time and I seem to gain energy and momentum throughout the day. It's important to be reminded that my biggest job right now is to heal myself - something I'm doing for myself and my family. 

Thanks for helping me stay focused!

dygit said:

Sorry for your ups and downs!

i was a bit of a panic when I found out I had cancer, but after my PET scan, once I knew it had not metastasized, my wife and I breathed a big sigh of relief. The ENT doc was surprised at our reaction since I "only" had cancer in my supra glottis and 2 lymph nodes.

Kari - try and let go of your fear and embrace the thought that your treatments and the sucky side effects are only going to be temporary. It is a cliche for sure, but take one day at a time. You have a family that you love and they love you  - that is more than many people have in this life. You are going to get through this temporary setback. Try and rest as much as you can; meditate to calm your mind; listen to music that makes you feel at ease. Do everything you can to remove pressure and I think you will find that the fear will slip away. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.......you will come out the other side, whole and unbroken. 

Your words meant a lot, thank you! It is hard to take things one day at a time, but probably the key to my sanity. I did some meditation today and spent time with a good friend. Now I'm tired, but with a feeling of satis faction. Thanks for helping me get through.

cardoza33 said:

The mornings were horrible

The mornings were horrible for me, particularly in recovery.  I threw up every morning for months after treatment. It was so absolutely horrible and I could not figure it out for months.  I tried many different things and it was mentally depressing.  I did not feel better until the afternoon each day.  I developed anxiety, which I never had before.  I finally realized it was from over production of stomach acid and if I got up early and eat oatmeal it prevented it.  Once I took care of the throwing up each morning, my mental health made a 100 percent turn around and within a week I started back to work.  My point being, this proces completely sucks and it will take a mental toll on you, but if you keep believing and working at it one day it will change and you will get your life back.  Keep working each day and before you know it you will be on this forum give words of encouragement to someone in your spot now.  Fight on!!!  

I think eating early is a key to my feeling awful in the morning, too. I notice that I'm really hungry when I first wake up, but I'm so tired, that I don't get up to eat. Then, my blood sugar drops, which causes the nausea and anxiety. I'm keeping a protein bar by the bed tonight to see if eating a little something in the morning helps with this. Thanks!

wmc said:

It is just one day at a time, and still is.

My tumor was about the size of the end of your thumb [3cm x 2.5cm] I smoked for 42 years and the tumor was pressing on my left vocal cord, and I was aspirating and coughing large amounts of blood and I was a gray color. Only five thought I would survive and I was one of them. My Son and Brother, and 87 year old Father-in-law had his granddaughter drive him 300 miles so he could be there when I had the surgery. didn't think I would make it. My lungs were bad and the doctor came in and said I would not survive radiation or surgery the way my lungs were they could not keep me breathing. The anesthesiologist would not touch me. I was given only two choices. One was do nothing and see how long I would live, and the other was to remove my larynx and the tumor with my vocal cords. This would mean I will breathe through a hole they will make in my neck and it will be forever. Not a hard choice, breathe through my neck, or not breathe at all. Now I really have no real idea that someone who has radiation or chemo really is like. Yes, I have seen many go through the treatment and on here heard so many and what they went through. 

Mine was a very major life altering procedure. Almost every muscle that you need to swallow, is connected to the larynx that I don't have. I had to relearn how to swallow and talk without vocal cords. When they separated my trachea and throat they put in a prosthesis [small hole] that when I exhale I can block and divert the air to speak. The air goes through a 4.5mm opening, [like a small straw in size] Now you add stage 3 COPD and GURD and it gets interesting at times. How do we get through the low times, you just do. Every day I have to squirt saline in my neck to help clear it and as soon as the water hits it you cough so hard you turn red and see stars. Then I have to insert 6" tweezers in the hole and clean the prosthesis and then a special brush also. If I don't do this the mucus can get thick and dry out which will cause a mucus plug and I stop breathing.  It is something I just had to get used to the best you can. That and the ACS gives me 53% survival for 5 years. So you ignore the numbers and my true odds are up around 75-80% and I am really doing very good. I can do almost everything I ever did before.

You will have bad days and just take them day by day. You will get through this and soon will see the light at the end of the tunnel. [It's a long tunnel] Yes this will change you. For me, recovery really started when I accepted it, and that is when I started to really live. I enjoy every day and see life much different, but better. You have found the best support group you could fine and we all will be here for you. You are not alone, and we do understand what you are going through and feel. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Bill  Oct 2013

Bill, you are an amazing guy!