Angry Wife

Catholic
Catholic Member Posts: 86
in Caregivers #1

There are 3 time frames in my life.

1. Prior to my wife being diagnosed with breast cancer.

Prior to any visits to a clinic, my wife for years was an angry person.  She slept in the basement (and
the kids and I slept upstairs on the 2nd floor).  She was angry, depressed, cold, moody, violent, extremely lazy
and constantly made false accusations against me to anyone who would listen. I was preparing to divorce
her but then...

2. Diagnosed with cancer, HER-2 positive and chemotherapy

Her sister visited, took her to a clinic and eventually she was told she had cancer.  Her sister left and
we lived through 1-year of chemotherapy.  It was brutal.  She was angry.  I dont remember
her ever being nice.  I just remember the anger, the daily rage she had and when she went to the basement,
the kids and I breathed a sigh of relief.

3. Post-Chemotherapy

Which brings me to my current state of living.  My wife still lives in the basement.  She is as angry
as can be.  She does the same thing.  If I say anything to her, she wont answer me; instead she will
speak to one of the kids and they have to conveve the message to me. If I then speak out and say
"STOP ACTING LIKE THIS!!!", she accuses me of abuse and domestic violence which is the opposite of
what is happening but the accusation gives her a sense of false-power which she seems to enjoy.

I would love to divorce my wife.  But she lives in the basement.  Divorcing a spouse who lives in your
basement and ramps up the anger everytime you try to speak has been impossible thus far.  I
can just see bringing home the paperwork to divorce and her rage and then we have to live with this extra,
daily rage until what??  We are divorced and she is still living in the basement!!!

I offered to get her an apartment.  She wont take it.  I can leave and go get an apartment with the kids and
can see her following us to the apartment and so now we have 2 places which we are paying for and yet were
still around this angry person.

I have 2 questions.

1. How can I find peace for myself and my kids?

Being exposed to daily anger over many years is awful.  I have learned to ignore and avoid it but over time, my
wife gets on my nerve and I get upset and she has that twinkle in her eye and she looks so happy that she got me
upset.  She then plays the victim.

I pray regularly.  I was born and raised Catholic.  I am 100% Catholic.  There has to be some prayer or something I can
pray daily when my wife is angry (and she is angry every day).  I feel like God is guiding me toward peace but its
been a slow, multi-year process.  My wife's sister and her husband went from ignoring me and believing
her sisters rants to being a great friend and someone I talk to constantly.  The sister and brother-in-law share stories
about my wife's awful behavior and things that she said and did (but they dont live here).  I went from completely
distrusting the sister and brother-in-law to loving them both.  So there have been some positives in this awful journey
with an angry spouse. Is there a prayer for peace that helps keep you calm in the face of constant anger?

2. Is it anger that causes the body to turn to cancer or cancer that creates this angry person?

In my opinion, and its just an opinion, anger over long periods of time created cancer and possibly sustained cancer as
opposed to cancer creating anger. First there was depression and anger and hate, and exposing your body to all of these
bad feelings has created cancerous cells.  I would argue the mind told the body to create cancer as opposed to the
body just creating cancer on its own and then the person becomes upset. Again, just an opinion and I very much would
like to hear your opinion.  I have tried to get my wife to laugh, love, be happy.  Trust me, I tried for years but have failed
for years and continue to fail.

If you in the Madison, WI area, let me know.  Thank you for reading.  Let me know your thoughts.

 

 

Comments

  • jorola
    jorola Member Posts: 243 Member
    #2
    You may not like my suggestions but ...

    In my humble opinion, the mental and physical well being of you and your  children must come first. You have not failed. She has. You have done your part and more. This has gone way beyond anything you can do to fix things. She obviously does not want to and as i said you and your children must come first. Regardless of her health - she has no right to act this way. It is abuse.

    Now I am from Canada so things don't always work the same but if she is violent and emotionally abusive  - here you can get a restraining order and force her out. Harsh..yes.. but not as harsh as you or your children living with abuse. That's only teaches your children that kind of behavor is ok to do or or to live with. Do you want them thinking that or thinking it is ok to put up with that and finding future spouses that do the same? Statics show over and over again that people living in abusive sitiations came from homes that were abusive.

    You are a kind man who appears to given his all and then some to do what you feel is right to hold your family together. Obviously you are at your breaking point. You need to bring this to an end and now. As you say you and your children need peace.

    Talk to the police, a social worker, whoever you need to. If you are strong enought to put up with thiscrap (sorry but it is) for this long, I know you have the strength to do this - for you and your children.

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #3
    I hear you

    I was also in the process of divorcing my emotionally abusive alcoholic husband six years ago when he got his cancer diagnosis. I know where you are coming from.

    Your wife is mentally ill.

    I would engage an attorney and find out what your options are.  I know nothing about the Catholic churches laws are about divorce other than having aunts, uncles and cousins who were Catholic but divorced because of abuse issues.

    Will be praying for your situation.

  • Catholic
    Catholic Member Posts: 86
    #4
    jorola said:

    You may not like my suggestions but ...

    In my humble opinion, the mental and physical well being of you and your  children must come first. You have not failed. She has. You have done your part and more. This has gone way beyond anything you can do to fix things. She obviously does not want to and as i said you and your children must come first. Regardless of her health - she has no right to act this way. It is abuse.

    Now I am from Canada so things don't always work the same but if she is violent and emotionally abusive  - here you can get a restraining order and force her out. Harsh..yes.. but not as harsh as you or your children living with abuse. That's only teaches your children that kind of behavor is ok to do or or to live with. Do you want them thinking that or thinking it is ok to put up with that and finding future spouses that do the same? Statics show over and over again that people living in abusive sitiations came from homes that were abusive.

    You are a kind man who appears to given his all and then some to do what you feel is right to hold your family together. Obviously you are at your breaking point. You need to bring this to an end and now. As you say you and your children need peace.

    Talk to the police, a social worker, whoever you need to. If you are strong enought to put up with thiscrap (sorry but it is) for this long, I know you have the strength to do this - for you and your children.

    I appreciate the reply.  I

    I appreciate the reply.  I know I need to do something.  I was preparing to take action 15 months ago just before she was
    diagnosed with cancer.  I was at my limit then and it was the perfect time to divorce but my wife's sister came and that changed things.

    I do want my kids to be raised in a good home.  My parents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversay.  I was raised
    in a home where mom and dad respected each other and they slept in the same bed, ate meals together and with their
    kids.  My wife wont eat dinner with us and pretty much lives in the basement.  She can live a whole month in the basement
    and when she comes out, she is angry.  I can think of few times where she was pleasant to be around.

    I tried talking to the police and they were not helpful.  A restraining order requires

    'There must be facts showing an imminent danger of physical harm before a temporary restraining
    order can be issued.'

    There is not imminent danger of physical harm.  Instead she lives in the basement and when she comes out of
    the basement, she is angry.  I'll give another example, dinner time.  I make dinner, sit down and eat with my kids.
    My wife typically is in the basement and I know she is listening.  Someone will say 'I dont like broccoli' or something
    on that line and my wife will yell up from the basement saying "you dont have to eat it" and Im sitting at the table saying
    "dont listen to anger, just try the broccoli".  There is no physical harm but in her typical way, she is not helping anything.
    She is angry.  She can eat with us but chooses not to.  But worse, she jumps in on issues she knows nothing about and
    interferes with any sort of parenting.  If I can get a retraining order, I will.  But I dont have facts other than she was diagnosed
    with cancer and lives the majority of her life in the basement.  Prior to being diagnosed with cancer, I told police officers that
    she spends 23+ hours a day in the basement and there was nothing they could do or would do.  Unless she was harming someone
    or herself, they didnt want to take action.

    She has been violent.  There are times she really blows her top but it could be months or more before it happens again.  I hate to wait
    for the next episode to then reach out to police for a restraining order.

     

     

     

  • Catholic
    Catholic Member Posts: 86
    #5
    Noellesmom said:

    I hear you

    I was also in the process of divorcing my emotionally abusive alcoholic husband six years ago when he got his cancer diagnosis. I know where you are coming from.

    Your wife is mentally ill.

    I would engage an attorney and find out what your options are.  I know nothing about the Catholic churches laws are about divorce other than having aunts, uncles and cousins who were Catholic but divorced because of abuse issues.

    Will be praying for your situation.

    Im not worried about the

    Im not worried about the Catholic church.  The position of the church is that you can divorce.  Its remarrying that
    they dont allow unless you get the original marriage voided.  I can divorce and still take part in all of the church
    sacraments so long as I dont remarry and quite frankly, I have no desire to remarry right now.  I just want peace
    in my life.

    You say "I was in the processing of divorcing" when your husband was diagnosed with cancer.  So what happened?
    Did you divorce or stay to help with cancer?   6 years ago is a long time ago.  In that 6 year span, what happened?

     

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #6
    Message

    Will send you a private message.

  • jorola
    jorola Member Posts: 243 Member
    #7
    I am afraid Noellesmom is right -lawyer up

    I am so sorry. I wish i had better suggestions. I was in a 3 yr abusive relationship and it felt like an eternity so i can't image how you or your children feel. I just wish so much more for all of you.

  • imyaya1952
    imyaya1952 Member Posts: 23 Member
    edited August 2016 #8
    The Cancer does not give her any rights

    My mother was also a very angry person.As a kid I was embarressed by her actions and used to appologise to people for them. She had negatively touched so many people that at her funeral there was only a couple people.  I was embarressed that we even had a funeral because the non attendance (in a very small town where all folks showed up nine years earlier when my Dad died) WAS everyones last word to her. But I always heard the funeral was for the survivors. Again, just like when I was a kid, I was hurt and embarressed.I truly believe that the only thing that matters in life is how many people will miss you when you are gone. Move your wife out and don't feel guilty.She doesn't have the right to hurt you or the kids. Cancer or Not.

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    edited August 2016 #9
    You

    There are two kinds of abuse -- physical and mental.  Mental is just as bad as physical and especially for your children.  You need to think about them and the effects all of this is having on you children.  Your wife has mental problems, even before she was diagnosed with cancer.  Nothing can change that and unless she is willing to seek help there is nothing you can do. 

    My father was abusive to my mother but he left us when I was very young.  Never heard from him again.  But mother picked herself, learned a skill so she could work and took care of us.  Abuse whether it is physical or mental is bad and no the police can't do anything about mental abuse.  I would talk with an attorney and if she won't leave, then you need to and take the children and not let her have contact with them unless it is supervised by someone other than yourself.  Just because she has cancer, doesn't mean you have to continue to subject yourself and your children to her anger.  You are harming your children by staying with her.

    My husband was a heavy beer drinker but never was abusive to me or our children.  He passed a year ago from cancer and even during that time period he was not angry or abusive.  If he was I would have left him a long time ago.  I always said after what my father did, I would learn a skill so that I could take care of myself and children if it happened to me.  Some thought that was wrong but today it has been a benefit to me.

    Wishing you peace and comfort

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