Husbands of breast cancer patients need support too

Four years ago I was in my battle.  At this point, I was a few weeks away from finishing chemo.  I had surgery, chemo, and radiation therapy.  I was classified as Stage IIIA, which is in the curable category, albeit near the bottom.  I am on hormonal therapy. 

Currently I remain in remission.  I opted to do all my oncologist recommended, as my goal was to be rid of the disease to the best of my ability.  ..

Dealing with the disease and having success with that has come a LONG way.  Things that were once dreaded or inevitable no longer need to be.

I dealt with it one step at a time.  Looking at the big picture too often can be intimidating. 

Keeping a good mindset helped me.  Having the support of friends and family -- plus other people in our small community -- was a help and a boost. 

My husband had two friends whose wives had had breast cancer.  I do know that he had some others -- his family who live locally -- who also were his souding board.  So, I felt he also had support.

If you think of some specifics to ask, go ahead.  I don't check the boards every day, but I can watch.

I don't see breast cancer as the monster it once was.  So much has improved the past five - ten years.

hwr said:

Thanks for your story,

Thanks for your story, desertgirl947.

My complete situation is more complicated than I had time to type out earlier.  During my first marriage we went through her many hospitalizations and battles together and I stuck it out to the end.  But near the end of her life, things got very bad.  At one point she was in one hospital or another for 80 straight days except for a 24 hour period from about 11:00 on Friday until about 11:00 the next day.  She had just come home after quadruple bypass surgery and the next morning the circulation in her left leg became blocked and we were off to the emergency room again.  That experience ended with my having to authorize amputation of her left leg, throw the incompetent first surgeon off the case and watch while she was lying in bed delirious because of infection.

I didn't realize it at the time but I must have become depressed.  I wasn't coping with the situation at all, even though I thought I was.  A loud voice in my head saying, "Run, run as fast as you can," was all I could hear.  I stuck it out but only because I knew I couldn't sleep with myself if I ran away from her.  When she died a few months later it was a relief as much as it was grief.

It took me a long time to get over that panic when my second wife had any problem that needed some stoic support from me.  I finally did but frankly I feel that same panic now if I let myself think about it.  I don't know what my emotional response will be if this supposedly easy to handle situation goes sour.

I expect it may sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, even though I know that's a pointless exercise.  And maybe I am, I just don't know.  But the plain truth is, this is a point where I'd like to have the luxury of feeling sorry for myself and can't afford to indulge that desire.  Back then I was holding on at the end, as an alcoholic would say, with white knuckles because that was the only resource I had left.  And I wasn't doing what I should have been doing.  I don't want to repeat that now.

Anyway, I can take it a day at a time.  But just being there a day at a time wasn't enough.

I can see that husbands apparently don't show up on csn that much when it's breast cancer, we sledom get it.  But I'd like to get the benefit of this cancer surviving from their point of view.

 

 

Hello HWR, I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. I can somewhat understand your fears as my husband, Andy, expressed some of his to me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer (twice).

One thing Andy did was to read a book called: Breast Cancer Husband. I don't recall the author.  He found it very helpful. Other resources for caregivers/spouses, is through your local American Cancer Society. They can give you information on caregiver or spouse/family groups in your area, where you would be able to talk to other husbands for support. Also, if you have a Gilda's club you can reach out to, they have a host of family support meetings and events, and host support groups.

Usually on this forum, it's the survivors who post and ask questions. Although some of us may ask our husbands to respond specifically regarding their wife's situation with breast cancer. There is a caregiver board on this site too - I think.

One note: it's often said that if one is going to be diagnosed with breast cancer, DCIS is the best one as it is the easiest to eradicate.

Best wishes,

Barb A