Anger, Depression, Lashing Out

dizzylizzy1974
dizzylizzy1974 Member Posts: 1
in Caregivers #1

I am lost and need some input. My father was diagnosed with bladder cancer approximately 15 years ago. The doctors removed his bladder and built him a new one out of his lower intestine. He has gone for PET scans and blood work regularly, and up until April 2016 he was clear. In April, his PET scan revealed that he had lung, lymph node and liver cancer. Further testing revealed that it was colon cancer that has metastized into these locations. There is no cure, only treatment, with a life expectancy of 1-3 years. 

I drove from Toronto, Ontario to Portland, Oregon so that I could be available to my father and stepmother for at least the first treatment. He was able tolerate the treatment, but as things proceed, his personality is all over the place. I know that it is depression and that I should try to be more understanding of him, but I find that I am intolerant. His anger and lashing out is always about inane things, such as his overreaction to me loaning my niece money for a bridesmaid dress, or how much my stepmother talks. I can't help but tell him to stop or to tell him that I will not speak with him about certain topics. 

I don't want to be angry with him, but I am annoyed that these are the things he is upset about. If I ask him to speak about the cancer, he sloughs it off. 

I feel horrible that I am reacting this way. Can anyone help?

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    Stop

    Your father is not on his deathbed.  He is lashing out for a variety of reasons and the most prevalent is probably anger.

    Just live your lives, include him when he wishes.  Let him know if he hurts someone's feelings and if he gets out of line.

    Maintain your family standards for behavior.

    Call your father's physician or nurse and ask that they bring this up at the next appointment.  Your father might benefit from medication for anxiety or depression.

  • imyaya1952
    imyaya1952 Member Posts: 23 Member
    #3
    could be the meds

    My husband has cancer and must take dexomethasone. it is a seroid. It totally changes his personality. One day he is hyper. the next day sleeps. The next lashes out and treats me and others with dissrespect. Two weeks off that med prooved it was the culprit.  But back on it as it is very necessary and it has all started again.  Check out which meds he is on. Good luck to you and don't let him tear you down as my husband has. He has no right.  Sick or Not.

  • WV_Farmgirl
    WV_Farmgirl Member Posts: 6
    #4
    Could be meds or could be spillover

    As imyaya1952 mentioned, some meds can cause a lot of mood changes.  My husband has multiple myeloma and the dexamethasone he takes causes some personality changes, especially irritability and anger.  Other drugs have been worse.  We tried Gabapentin for neuropathic pain and he had to stop after just a few days.  He said if he kept taking it, he thought he might kill someone.  And as mean as he was -- and he is NEVER mean -- I believed him!  Definitely take a look at the possible side effects of the medicines he is taking.

    That said, your father could very well actually be angry.  It is a part of the normal reaction to a cancer diagnosis, especially one that is unlikely to end well.  Sometimes this comes out as anger against the doctors, sometimes as anger against God or against the world, and sometimes as anger against other things like someone talking too much or loaning money.  You must remember that the anger is his.  Not yours.  It's about him whether it is a reaction to a drug or anger becasue he is ill and feels out of control or that life isn't fair or whatever.  It is about him, not about you, even if it sounds that way when he is striking out at you.  One thing I've found helpful is to think of my response to my husband's irritability as energy.  It is just energy.  It doesn't have to be negative energy.  I can't control his anger but I can control my response to his anger.  I try to turn the energy of my response away from hurt and anger toward sympathy or love.  Sometimes I can and sometimes I have to just walk away.  

    Consider finding someone to talk to -- a doctor, a minister, a friend -- and working through your reactions to his cancer and his anger.  It sounds like you need to talk about his cancer and he isn't ready for that.  To be fair, he doesn't have to be ready just because you are ready.  Find someone you can talk to -- and not just another member of the family -- someone outside who can listen and validate your feelings and help you get what you need without needing to get it from him.  When my father was ill, I wanted to have a conversation about his cancer and what was coming down the road...how is mom going to take care of you, do you want to go to Hospice House or die at home, etc.  He wasn't ready.  Later, he wanted to talk about what songs he wanted played at his funeral and I wasn't ready!  But all that I really needed to hear and all that I really needed to say was as simple as "I love you."  I wish now that I had been more aware of his needs as well as mine and had found a way to stop badgering him at the beginning and a way to listen to him later on when he needed to talk.  I'm seeing a counselor and I think I am doing a much better job with this taking care of my husband than I did taking care of my father.

    Best of luck

    WV_Farmgirl

  • JimP
    JimP Member Posts: 1
    edited September 2016 #5
    WV_Farmgirl said:

    Could be meds or could be spillover

    As imyaya1952 mentioned, some meds can cause a lot of mood changes.  My husband has multiple myeloma and the dexamethasone he takes causes some personality changes, especially irritability and anger.  Other drugs have been worse.  We tried Gabapentin for neuropathic pain and he had to stop after just a few days.  He said if he kept taking it, he thought he might kill someone.  And as mean as he was -- and he is NEVER mean -- I believed him!  Definitely take a look at the possible side effects of the medicines he is taking.

    That said, your father could very well actually be angry.  It is a part of the normal reaction to a cancer diagnosis, especially one that is unlikely to end well.  Sometimes this comes out as anger against the doctors, sometimes as anger against God or against the world, and sometimes as anger against other things like someone talking too much or loaning money.  You must remember that the anger is his.  Not yours.  It's about him whether it is a reaction to a drug or anger becasue he is ill and feels out of control or that life isn't fair or whatever.  It is about him, not about you, even if it sounds that way when he is striking out at you.  One thing I've found helpful is to think of my response to my husband's irritability as energy.  It is just energy.  It doesn't have to be negative energy.  I can't control his anger but I can control my response to his anger.  I try to turn the energy of my response away from hurt and anger toward sympathy or love.  Sometimes I can and sometimes I have to just walk away.  

    Consider finding someone to talk to -- a doctor, a minister, a friend -- and working through your reactions to his cancer and his anger.  It sounds like you need to talk about his cancer and he isn't ready for that.  To be fair, he doesn't have to be ready just because you are ready.  Find someone you can talk to -- and not just another member of the family -- someone outside who can listen and validate your feelings and help you get what you need without needing to get it from him.  When my father was ill, I wanted to have a conversation about his cancer and what was coming down the road...how is mom going to take care of you, do you want to go to Hospice House or die at home, etc.  He wasn't ready.  Later, he wanted to talk about what songs he wanted played at his funeral and I wasn't ready!  But all that I really needed to hear and all that I really needed to say was as simple as "I love you."  I wish now that I had been more aware of his needs as well as mine and had found a way to stop badgering him at the beginning and a way to listen to him later on when he needed to talk.  I'm seeing a counselor and I think I am doing a much better job with this taking care of my husband than I did taking care of my father.

    Best of luck

    WV_Farmgirl

    Farmgirl,

    Farmgirl,

    Thank you for sharing. I feel like you must be a saint as I have been living a caregiver life and I am starting to think that life is too short to live this way. For the past four years, my wife of 13 years has been fighting fibromyalgia. The depression, lack of energy, nasty actions towards me have been mild to severe. She damages ceilings and other items because she has problems containing her anger. She is constantly saying that I never listen to her. The reality is she is always telling me what to do and I am sick of listening and having to follow her demands. Her doctors have changed her medication a couple times. Everything seems to require medication to control or fix her issues and I am sure that her 8 different pills per day has to change her mindset. Four months ago, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy, plastic surgery and is now midway through 7 weeks of radiation. My wife never really did much housework, but now, she does next to nothing around the house. In addition to becoming a caregiver, a have become a slave. I have to pick up after her and do all of the housework and still have enough energy to work to make the money which is needed to pay all the medical bills. 

    I know that I am being selfish, but how much does a person take before breaking. I am afraid of my own sanity. Lately I find myself having less ability to handle conflict. It is almost like I am having road rage while not even in a vehicle.

    I know that the radiation will end in a couple weeks, but going back to the way it was before the cancer would not be acceptable to me. I do feel better stating some of these issues and actually reading this makes me feel like I am pretty selfish, however I do have one question: How much time should I give my wife after the radiation is over to change back to the caring woman I married? I was considering leaving her before the cancer because of her actions towards me. 

    I would appreciate any and all comments and assistance.

    Thanks and God bless,

    Jim

  • mesocaregiver
    mesocaregiver Member Posts: 15
    #6
    Anger, Depression

    My husband has mesothelioma.  He has been in the hospital 10 times in the past year.  One stay was for a month.  He has had two major surgeries and flatlined for 20 minutes.  Until last August he had worked for the same company for 27 years and was very healthy (we thought)  He was a very hard worker.  Before he got sick everyone told us they wanted a marriage like ours.  That we looked like we were so in love.  We was.  No one says that now.  He has taken chemo.  He had his last treatment in June.  They had to stop because it was damaging his body too much.  According to the last pet scan he still has it in his thyroid and lymp nodes but they do not want to do another scan till November.  They said his body needs rest.  Now my hard working husband sits and watches tv.  That is once he gets out of bed around noon.  I am up by 6 am because i can't sleep.  Now I do all the yard work (10 acres) and house work.  He likes to go to yard sales and fleamarkets just to get out of the house.  I am so tired of going but I want to do what he feels like doing.  There are times when he gets so upset with me.  We can be around family and he will lash out at me and I will not know what has happened to make him that way.  It hurts so bad.  Every time he has been in the hospital I have stayed right with him.  While he was home and going thru chemo I was right here with him.  No visitors.  No one was there for me.  I am so tired of being strong and having to smile when he is angry. I could fuss with him but two people fussing does not make things better.  I sit and read and try to figure out what to do.  He is on medicine for depression.  I keep telling myself that if it was me in his situation that I would be crazy.  My vows did say for better or worse, in sickness and in health.  So little is known about Mesothelioma.  It is horrible!  All I know to do is wait for him to wake up each day so I will know how our day will be. I do not know any comforting words for others dealing with cancer and the effects.  I hope just knowing others are dealing with simular situations will help someone.  I pray one day this nightmare will end and we will have a happy life.  Right now I try to get him out as much as possible just to get his mind off of his health, and mine.  We do not have much money because medical bills take most of it but I search the web for places we can go and visit that are close to home and cheap.  I want to make as many happy memories as I can with him while I can.  If you only see your loved one every few days, be thankful and try to tolerate their mood swings.  The person that lives with them needs you and your support.  They have to see the pain, anger, no appetite, the weight loss, the memory loss, the love loss, the companionship being gone, and so many more things daily.  Try not to get angry or take it personally. 

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