I'm so tired... Good News Update

Phil64
Phil64 Member Posts: 838 Member
edited May 2016 in Colorectal Cancer #1

Update.  The CEA came in UNDER 1.0.  And the scans came in clear too. Of course one came in clear and the other one seemed to take too long, if you know what I mean.  Nevertheless, that scan was clear as well.

The best news was that I can now go three months before the next scans (he had me on a two months schedule for the last couple.  He still wants me to go in for monthly CEA and port flush.

He also told me that he wants me to focus on losing weight now. Low fat, more vegitables...  The usual.  My wife and I are really going to make this happen.  I reported a while ago that I have cut soda pop completely out of my diet. Now it's time to start counting calories and blocking time for some activity.

Other good news.  I did get a car for my 16 year old at an auction on Saturday. So that is now off my plate.  I have my Harley listed on Craigs List and on Ebay. Hopefully I will get a buyer for the bike soon.  And if I feel good enough in the future I can always get another bike. I'm definitely going to keep my operator's licesnse.

I know that sometimes I will feel bad. But I also know that no matter what, I'll feel better. 

Thank you all for your support and for reminding me that we simply take this stuff one day at a time. And when we do feel bad we will remind eachother that we'll be okay, no matter what.  As Jan said, none of us get out of this life without paying taxes and dying. And so we'll just try to focus on living and not dwell on the taxes or the other scary things.

Love and Light to you all today.

Sincerely,

Phil

 

**

I'm very tired today. And feeling sad too. There is a lot on my plate and I feel overwhelme! 

Work is insane. I have a heavy load. And some days I wish I could take a long vacation from the ceaziness!

Home is crazy too. A third wedding being planned for the fall. All the outside stuff to do. A new 16 year old who wants a car.

And then there are the scans and waiting for results. I go in tomorrow afternoon for the big reveal. Am I still NED? Or are there issues that we will hear about?

And the final straw...  I just listed my Harley for sale. That breaks my heart. It's silly really. I haven't really drove my bike for the last four years... Since beginning this cancer battle. And even though I'm NED for a year I simply am not the man I once was. The neurapathy in my feet, the increased arthritis, the feeling exhausted not even able to keep up with the regular chores...  

Well I think I'm admitting to myself that I won't likely be the man I once was. And hanging onto that bike is kind of like me refusing to take a look at myself in the mirror. 

No wonder why I'm sad. :-(

I probably should have broken the mirror instead of looked?

Oh no. Can't break a mirror. I can't afford any more bad luck. lol

Comments

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,804 Member
    #2
    Dearest Phil

    Of course you are not the man you used to be, you are MORE, much more. 

    I am so sorry that you are having a bad day, but you are allowed, you know, without feeling guilty. 

    So much on your plate, some of it good, some of it bad, but it all adds up and gets to feeling overwhelming. 

    I hope work eases up. Maybe you should try retirment, like our Jeff. 

    Weddings are happy, but certainly allot of work. 

    Tests and results. Tests and results. That stress will always be a part of our lives. 

    And the bike. Now that is hard. Do you have to give it up? Even if you can't ride it like you used to, having it around might just make you feel good. 

    I hope your sadness is short lived. 

    Prayers headed your way. 

    SUE

  • lp1964
    lp1964 Member Posts: 1,239 Member
    #3
    Dear Phil,

    A lot of times our fundamental fears just emphasize the other smaller tasks, make those look more scary or significant. Waiting for your results will do that. And you are right, what you have on your plate would be too much for anybody. My goal every day is to go to bed at night and conclude that this was a good day. So I never  straight home from work and do something i like to do. Sit down and have a cup of delicious coffee while watching people, shopping and looking at stuff. If at the end you make every day a fun day, they add up to be good weeks, years and a good life after all. 

    Regarding the Harley: after all it's just a bunch of parts and bolts like we are. You are not the man you used to be, right. You are still an amazing guy and everybody knows that. Just make peace with it brother.

    Waiting to hear some good news,

    Laz

  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    #4
    G'day Phil

       I resemble your remarks. I am 18 + years past cancer , my body is not broken it is shattered. My boat , the love of my life, sits there and hasn't chased a fish in anger for nearly two years. I am 66 ang cannot seem to be able to convince anyone that I really really don't want to work anymore. I live alone so I dob't have anyone to complain to, even the upstairs cat ignores me. I seem to be adding a new buch of life threatening health problems to my cv every year and yeah did I mention I really don't want to work anymore. My liver functions just doubled twice in a month and my legs and lungs filled with fluid. I have had an ultrasound of my heart , liver ,pancreas and kidneys. I take cyclosporine twice a day ,five bp meds a couple of proton pump inhibitors . Twice a week I go on 1 litre fluid restrictions and double diuretics. My heart throws 11000 premature extopic beats a day and I have run out of testosterone. I don't look in the mirror anymore. Last time i did I found another spot on my face that had to be cut out. Too add to my woes my neph just put me back on prednisone which rates as my personal kryptonite. I am so tired I could sleep for a week then my nose blocks up and I can't breathe thru my cpap mask. To summarise , if I didn't have bad luck I would not have any and to make matters worse Tuesday night someone won 40 mill on lotto . I checked my ticket and it wasn't me and just to add insult I won $22.50. The moral of the story Phil is that you are not alone mate , hang in there tomorrow may be better or in our case probably worse, Hugs Ron.

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
    edited May 2016 #5
    Phil, what can I say that

    Phil, what can I say that hasn't already been said. You have every right to be upset and feel down sometimes. You just can't let it become a full time thing. And you won't. You'll bounce back. Nobody can be happy all the time, particularly when they've had to face their possible death many times. People generally don't dwell on their death. We've all had to do that. It makes us a little different than everyone else. But the fact is that none of us get out alive. Sending you a cyber hug. I hope you get past the dark thoughts soon.

    Jan

  • beaumontdave
    beaumontdave Member Posts: 1,289 Member
    edited May 2016 #6
    Phil, I hope by now it's good

    Phil, I hope by now it's good news on the scan. I just did my bloodwork, early for both the GP and Onc. I see the Onc June 14, and I hope the Cea is still good, but it wasn't listed with all the other tests, online. Need to schedule the CT scan now, and will probably sweat it till it is done. Within a year I hope to get another Harley, if all goes NEDly. I sold the last one after Cindy was diagnosed with the brain tumor. She'd always wanted an English Bulldog, and we needed money for stuff. Well she's been gone a year now, and ol Harley is 7 1/2 and lazy as hell. I'm not far behind him, all the demands leave me feeling tired and down. My house was scheduled to be sold today on the courthouse steps. It was a hard money loan from an ER doctor who knew my pop. A 20k loan I repaid 19k on, but couldn't keep up, so he finally foreclosed, for 40k+. My attorney, this week got him to accept 5k, which I promptly paid[ He was commiting usury, with a 13+% interest rate]. So that was fairly stressful these last few months. I'm still stuck doing my granddaughters guardianship, because Cindy left my name off the original petition, 14 years ago, and the paper work is five times worse. I sent a release to my free-spirited stepson, living on Kuaui, Hawaii, and he denies he's the father, after challenging us in court, originally. He says he's not bound by laws and raised himself from drug-addled parents. So I cut him off, told him not to try to contact me again, and Stazie had it out with him and did the same. Now she knows who he really his and can get on with life, with those who care and love her.  I guess I brought this all up as a way of saying that I get what you're going through. I feel like I'm juggling more balls than ever, with half the strength and energy I had back when this all began, so hang in Phil, it has got to get better[ [keep repeating]..................................Dave

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