Sometimes the memories are just too much...
So yesterday was my annual mammo, ultra-sound and visit with my breast surgeon (I am now 5.5 years out from 2 lumpectomies, 6 rounds of T/C & 33 rads being diagnosed with Stage 1, grade C, TNBC at 57). I had booked my appointment 3 weeks ago and been asked about the results from the MRI...what MRI???--nobody told me I was supposed to have one, so I kinda went into shock and didn't ask for the 3-D mammo (that costs an extra $57) that my center offers and promptly forgot about it altogether. At the appointment I saw the surgeon first, than had a fairly painful ultra-sound and then time for the mammo. After the 1st 2 plates as the tech as moving my boob around for the next 2 plates I asked, what about the 3-D? She told me that I didn't request one (although I had asked the ultra-sound tech to tell her that I wanted one). I said, yes I know I was distracted when making the appointment about an MRI. She said well, we are half way through and this is just an annual check up so she suggested I get the 3-D in 6 months. I repeated that I wanted the 3-D and her answer was, well the regular mammo finds cancer just fine. WHAT???? If that were the case, why would they have the new machine and my surgeon tell me that it is a better technology? At this point I was in tears and sobbing and I asked the tech--DOES SHE HAVE BREAST CANCER?? Realizing that I was seriously upset she got her superior who said, go ahead and give it to her, there's no problem. All of the memories came flooding back to me about what BC has taken from me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be healthy and alive, but I was diagnosed 4 months after getting married and it really threw me for a loop. I've lost all confidence in my body and marital intimacy is a big problem for me. I've gained weight that I can't seem to take off and my new normal isn't what it was. While this may sound trivial it was very upsetting to the point that I almost totalled my car on the drive home because I was so distracted.
I'm now dithering over whether to call the breast center and talk with the office manager about my experience. What do you ladies think?
JoAnn
Comments
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Mammograms are so difficult when you've been through this
JoAnn,
I went through treatment 7 years ago, and, before I had a prophylactic mastectomy last year, I had to get a small prescription for Xanax each year just to get through my annual mammogram.
While my biggest reason for deciding on the mastectomy was the results of genetic testing, I'd be lying if I didn't say that part of my decision was that I don't have to put myself through any regular mammograms, ultrasounds, MRIs now. The anxiety was really that bad for me.
I don't know what to tell you to do in this instance, but please know that you're not alone in all the feelings and memories and sadness that come up for you around your mammogram.
Traci
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Thanks TraciTraciInLA said:Mammograms are so difficult when you've been through this
JoAnn,
I went through treatment 7 years ago, and, before I had a prophylactic mastectomy last year, I had to get a small prescription for Xanax each year just to get through my annual mammogram.
While my biggest reason for deciding on the mastectomy was the results of genetic testing, I'd be lying if I didn't say that part of my decision was that I don't have to put myself through any regular mammograms, ultrasounds, MRIs now. The anxiety was really that bad for me.
I don't know what to tell you to do in this instance, but please know that you're not alone in all the feelings and memories and sadness that come up for you around your mammogram.
Traci
I've been reading your posts now for over 5 years--and always felt a kinship as I lived in Santa Monica for 26 years before moving back to Florida in 2007.
Thank you for your answer--maybe xanax would help (the Advill I took didn't do a thing).
JoAnn
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JoAnn
your fears and upset are absolutely normal......at least to me they seem normal. About one month before my CT scans and bloods tests for my colorectal I start getting antsy.....not sleeping.....sometimes I am not even aware of it until hubby points out I have gone into readiness mode. Grumpy nervous anxious......been doing those test twice a year since 2005 and it never gets any better. Like Traci sometimes I have asked for just a little help......I can use lorazepam for a week just to get over the hard bits.....
the old fears, all the pain all the hurt just rush up to the surface......"oh hello! thought I had you under control" but no.....just let some testing start and all the fear rises up again.
re the office manager that is totally up to you. I would tend to just let it go.....not wanting any extra stress but you must decide that.
I just had my mastectomy in Dec so I haven't had the experience of first examine after surgery......not looking forward to it. Even now I find my dreams are frantic.....always something to find or fight off......I feel at night my brain just keeps working out on-going trauma....soooooooo
none of what you say sounds trivial........I send you a loving hand to hold and say I understand a little of what you are feeling
warm hug.......mags
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Joann
I think for many of us that testing actually gets scarier as the years pass. The technicians and doctors really don't understand this. You might even have post-traumatic stress which I think I might have too. Is there any way you could do some simple exercise like walking? I spend a lot of time outside and cooking healthy foods. It's keeps my weight down and that helps with marital intimacy, too. Finding ways to feel happy and attractive is the best way to be desirable to our husbands. We deserve a little happiness after all we've been through. I'm DONE with being a wall flower! Hugs, Anna
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JoAnn
If you feel better talking to the office manager, go for it. I totally understand what you are saying. We have been through so much already, and we have a technician deciding what we do or do not need? It only takes at most what, 10 minutes to change course?
IoIone good thing about being stage 4, is I have not had an mri in 6 years on the left breast.
In the 8 years prior, I had a few wonderful techs and one woman who I had such a rough time with her the previous year that I refused to let her do mine. Unless they have been thru this they will never totally understand, however, there us no excuse for rudeness.
I wish you the best, and hope results are clear
Hugs,
Carol
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First visit since bc
i would call for sure. while not all her ladies will be postive for bc that she will be performing mammys on, she has to understand the toll that diagnosis take on your body and mind. To work in the medical field where cancer is a big part of, this gal has been trained on how to care for and communicate with the patients. She needs a refresher on patient service!
i had to have an ultra sound last week, due to pain under my implants, bilateral almost 2 years ago. I had major, where did that come from, melt down while walking to the beast center. I turned around, went to my car, cried for a while, got myself together and had a go at it again. Success the 2 attempt to walk thru the doors, walking up the stairs is a total blurR. When I finally made it to the waiting room, two gals came and talked to me. I sure wasn't ready or expecting that reaction to just walking into the center! My husband felt so bad, I told him I'll be find goodness the worst is so far behind me, this will be a piece if cake! He will never let me go alone again!
Please let your center know, so,they can correct it.
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I spoke to my center
They called yesterday to schedule a spot compression mammo so I took the opportunity to explain what had happened. They were very apologetic and said that this would be handled as no one, especially a bc survivor, should have to argue to get the 3-D mammogram. I will also be schedule for the re-take with the tech that has been there for at least the 8 years that I've been going there.
Thanks for all your feedback.
Hugs,
JoAnn
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Joannjoannstar said:I spoke to my center
They called yesterday to schedule a spot compression mammo so I took the opportunity to explain what had happened. They were very apologetic and said that this would be handled as no one, especially a bc survivor, should have to argue to get the 3-D mammogram. I will also be schedule for the re-take with the tech that has been there for at least the 8 years that I've been going there.
Thanks for all your feedback.
Hugs,
JoAnn
I am so sorry Joann - my heart hurts knowing this. Maybe this is our "new normal" -- it sucks no doubt about it.
Vicki Sam
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hugs
Denisehugs
Denise
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Hi Joannstar
I was just checking in on you to see how you're doing and get an update on your tests. I'm sorry you had to get a biopsy but yes, good to get to do the sit up one
Your story reminded me of a riff I had with my radiation oncologist department a while ago. It was time for me to have a check up and the Rad Onc set up for his office to call in an order for an MRI. It was scheduled for a week out and my follow up for results was a week after that. The hospital called to remind me of my MAMMOGRAM appointment the following day. Surely they meant MRI not mammogram. So I clicked opersator to speak with someone for clarity. As I was waiting on the phone, I pulled out my paperwork and noticed the orders that were arrranged to have me scanned said MAMMOGRAM. Umm last time I checked I had a double mastectomy, there is nothing to mammo! Furthermore it really hurt my feelings that a place I have been going to for 48 rounds of rads didn't catch that. Don't they know me by now? I received a phone call within those ten minutes from my doc office and it was the nurse wondering (in a snude tude voice) WHY I didnt make it to my appointment and don't I know it slows down my ....I VERY abruptly interuppted her and said ....BEFORE YOU GO ANY FURTHER WITH YOUR MOUTH WHY DON'T YOU CHECK THE ORDERS AND THEN CROSS REFERENCE THAT WITH MY CHART AND FIGURE OUT WHY I COULDN'T PHYSICALLY HAVE A MAMMOGRAM! She proceeded to holier than thou me and I said, GIVE ME YOUR MANAGER NOW!!!! So I filed a formal complaint and they were horrified! They apologized up and down left and right. I said I can't have her as a nurse anymore, I am firing her off of my care team. It would have been nice to have a synpathetic apology but no she SNAPPED right back with WELL I didn't order this mammogram and tried dismissing it (the nurse.) I ended up having to redo my doc appointment, he stated HE did not order that but that his nurse mis typed the order from his pad. I said well she said to me she wasn't responsible and basically tried to get me to believe another party handled the error. He was not happy about that and said he will address it with her. I said , that's not good enough, I demand an apology! It was a three week set back for me and she needs to be held accountable. Your manager already told me she was the one who entered it incorrectly. So when I have to go back to this place that I was usually happy to deal with, that last time was a real set back and I feel that anxiety for a wave and then I rememeber, I have fought cancer, a tiffy person has nothing on me. It helps to remind yourself just who you are to re-inflate your self esteem 
Hugs,
Bonnie
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hugs...
Denisehugs...
Denise
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checking back in
Denisechecking back in
Denise
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8 procedures and a lumpectomy
later...on with my life. There was no cancer but boy did all these appointments take me back 5 years. None of this would have been done had I not insisted on that 3-D mamogram. I did report the tech and was told that she did not act appropriately and should be recommending the 3-D. I think that the tech that I had issues with was a temp and is no longer working for my breast center.
I've been given the all clear for another 6 months. I guess this is just how it will be from now on.
Thanks for all the support!
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You are so Right Joannstar**
Just checking in to the Site after taking 6 months off..........or maybe it was a little longer.....maybe it's been 8 or 9 months.... but anyway....came to read some of the posts today and saw that title about *Sometimes the Memories are Just Too Much *** And I have read each post above and the tears started flowing....so...you are so right........ Especially am glad you are clear for another 6 months........... and also.....just loved the BonBon remarks above ** you are so GREAT GIRL ***
We have fought the Beast and we cannot let a snippy nurse person get the best of us.....you are a Star Warrior ***0 -
rude staff
reading many comments about rude and incomopetent staff shows me that my experiences are not isolated, that others have have rrude, incompetent, and Abusive staff ( dr, techs, nurses, clerks). These people are my cancer had put me to the edge of drinking the koolaide, not the canceer itself.
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