Cancer and family

Mezza
Mezza Member Posts: 1
in Emotional Support #1

Hi there, this is my first time posting. 

I just want to know if other people have felt similar things. My family totally dropped the ball and so did my husband. My sister showed up with my brother in law and she proceeded to just sit on my couch after my total thyroidectomny, removal of 6 lymph nodes and one of my parathryoid glands. I was in quite a bit of pain and was told to not lift anything for 4 weeks. My sister stayed for 3days, offered not emotional support, did not cook a single meal, when I asked for help vacumming, she told me not to wrry about it. She just sat on the couch like a big lump and I ended up cooking dinner. My husbamd totally emotionally checked out and became cold and angry. He is better now, but sometimes i feel like he expects everything to go back to the way it was and I cant. I get super tired and he doesnt help me at all. Once he said to me that he cant imagine his life with out me and its hard for m knowing I am just going to die. Death is not an option for me and I feel like I am battling alone. My mum was very helpful but she is partially disabled with a selfish husband. My dad couldnt even be bothered to come and see me and now he just texts me and barely calls. I guess i am just venting becuase my battle is not over and I will be going in for a second surgery. I am just mad...mad at my husband, my sister and the rest of my selfish family. Anyone else feeling no love for their family feel free to vent!!!

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    No, but

    I'm the caregiver and we have good support - well, they support me because my husband has issues making it difficult for others to care for him.

    Some families don't do well in a crisis.  How does your family usually do when times are tough?  

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #3
    Families

    Yes families can be like yours during illness.  During my husband's fight with cancer, which he lost, our sons rarely volunteered to do anything, muchless come home and see their father that often because they were too busy with their own lives and friends.  My husband's relatives were all old and lived at least 4-5 hours from us so they weren't able to travel but they did call to check on him.  My own siblings would go right by our house and not bother to stop to see if they could do anything.  Neighbors volunteered to help in anyway they could. 

    Cancer can also destroy a marriage and a family.  It is hard but you need to concentrate on yourself and your husband needs to understand your needs now and get some therapy as to what you are going thru. 

    Wishing you peace and comfort

     

  • marshall619
    marshall619 Member Posts: 3
    #4
    Supporting my mom

    My mom is sick also. She lives in California and I live in Seattle. I have visited her twice and was there when she got the news about her diagnosis. My family and I are super supportive; it acutaly feels like I made it a personal rule to never be sad around her and only be positive and encourging. One time I broke down and started crying in front of her because it was too hard to hold it back and I felt really bad afterwards. 

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #5
    marshall619 said:

    Supporting my mom

    My mom is sick also. She lives in California and I live in Seattle. I have visited her twice and was there when she got the news about her diagnosis. My family and I are super supportive; it acutaly feels like I made it a personal rule to never be sad around her and only be positive and encourging. One time I broke down and started crying in front of her because it was too hard to hold it back and I felt really bad afterwards. 

    How did your mom

    React to your tears?  I believe the patients often have an easier time dealing with things than the caregiver. 

  • Moped7946
    Moped7946 Member Posts: 40 Member
    #6
    family weirdness

    My mom is a breast cancer survivor and she is now 80 years old...but my sisters are flipping out on me...one is not communicating with me at all right now...she lives out of state...and the other one who drove my mom and me to the biopsy at the hospital (could not be done iin office...uterus was too...angry/swollen/uncooperative...) has been acting like a **** since she took me to the test...I was put under general anesthesia...she wouldn't come into the hospital...she just sat out in the parking lot fuming with the car running at the door because no one could tell her EXACTLY when I could leave...it took over an hour and a half for me to wake up properly and have proper oxygen levels in my blood so I could leave and I STILL felt like I was on seriouos drugs...she got mad at me because I couldn't decide what to eat or even if I WANTED to eat when we got home...my mom was so wigged she thought she left her debit card at the hospital...it was a CLUSTER****...I got yelled at...'do you want me to help you OR NOT????" by the sister who was there and I hadn't even ASKED her to help...my MOM did...when I asked her she told me she had to work this day and that day and thhese hours......??? It was awful. I am not mad at my mom at all...she truly did the best she could and she is 80 YEARS OLD...why was I expected to do ANYTHING as soon as I got home????????? Who yells at someone who has been intubated within the last 4 hours????

    I have uterine cancer....I just found out the 28th of April....the biopsy was the 26th of April...and almost everyone in my life except my exhusband, my 80 year old mom and my 17 year old son is acting like a freaking NITWIT. I can't even get anyone to send my son their address so he can mail graduation invitations....did I not request the information correctly??? Did I use the wrong medium to tell them I have cancer???? After I have the hysterectomy am I yet again going to be forced to ingest unrecognisable Chinese food swimming in soy sauce while my head swims all by itself all the while explaining just exactly WHAT went down in the surgery??? My roomate STILL insists on smoking inside and talking a million miles a second...has told me "maybe they can SCRAPE the cancer out"....scrape it out of what??? I am not nearly as worried about the cancer as I am worriwed about having a heart attack from stress...

     

     

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #7
    First of all

    Take a deep breath and exhale.  Do this several times.  

    How great that your mom is with you during this stressful time.  And your sister is exhibiting the same personality that was always there: she is also showing some fear of having cancer herself.  Breast and uterine cancer in the same family is very scary.  

    Graduation announcements are only important to the parents these days.  Keep one as a memento, provide stamps and explain to your child 'no announcements, no gifts'.  If no effort is made then, forget about it.

    Your roommate may be in denial: who cares?

    Before your surgery, stock up on comfort foods.  No unrecognizable foods are necessary.

    Have a cab or under take you to the hospital and pick up and deliver your mom.  Call them when you are ready to come home.   Typical stay after a hysterectomy is just a couple of days with recovery at home of a couple of weeks.

    You have a battle to wage.  Focus on that and not the crazies in your life.  They always have and always will be there.

  • david54
    david54 Member Posts: 164 Member
    edited July 2016 #8
    I understand where you are

    I understand where you are coming from. We have not had a free weekend in months. While I know that people want to see us because they genuinely care-some are clueless that when they leave, I have to pick up and clean after them. My wife is too ill to help, I do the yard work and majority of house cleaning now. I find myself feeling resentful about this and I'm not sure how to make my needs known.

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #9
    Just say no!

    David, stop this now.

    Give them a list of chores when they come in the door. Let's see which ones stay.  

  • david54
    david54 Member Posts: 164 Member
    #10
    Noellesmom said:

    Just say no!

    David, stop this now.

    Give them a list of chores when they come in the door. Let's see which ones stay.  

    Thanks Noellesmom-

    Thanks Noellesmom-

    My wife and I are used to being hospitable and its hard to say no, but we are setting limits and times when we can visit. I think people need to know, they may be wondering themselves and if I expect them to read my mind, well then, I have only myself to blame I guess. Interesting in thats our adult kids we have to really set boundaries with.

  • Caradavin
    Caradavin Member Posts: 49 Member
    #11
    Sometimes, families really

    Sometimes, families really suck. It is amazing how you can watch people make it all about them when you are the one who is sick.

  • noelle21
    noelle21 Member Posts: 4
    #12
    marshall619 said:

    Supporting my mom

    My mom is sick also. She lives in California and I live in Seattle. I have visited her twice and was there when she got the news about her diagnosis. My family and I are super supportive; it acutaly feels like I made it a personal rule to never be sad around her and only be positive and encourging. One time I broke down and started crying in front of her because it was too hard to hold it back and I felt really bad afterwards. 

    a good thing

    I'm on my 3rd recurrence of my cancer, but this time I am out of options. My treatment is about buying time & comfort. My family & friends are all about being positive & supportive. And then I play it strong & hopeful. That's all good. I have encouraged my kids to be strong & independent; to continue with their pursuits. They will need that to cope once I'm gone. Sometimes it leaves me feeling alone, even feeling at times that they don't care, although I know they do.

    So, from my perspective having broken down & cried in front of your mom is a good thing. Positive and encouraging is great, but on the one occasion your mom got to see your honest feelings. She knows she is loved.

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