Cancer and marriage.

Marriage

I always felt that a marriage license should be issued the same way as an automobile license; with an expiration date.

You would have to renew it if you wished to continue driving the same old vehicle.

(We'll see how long that "headache" lasts come around renewal time.....)

Seriously, any debilitating health problem can take it's toll on the patient and the caregiver. The feeling of wanting to help can be replaced with a feeling of "being used" quite easily.

They say that "familiarity breeds contempt", but usually confine the observation to other than marriage and family matters. I often wonder about the limitation of the observation. Maybe it would be better if the patient and caregiver took a sabbatical; a "vacation" from life and a life-long relationship. Maybe a few weeks or months away, doing something other than what's come to be expected.....

Or maybe that's the real problem...... all the things, however so slight, that have become to be "expected".....

It ain't easy; no one said it would be.

Best of health to you. Keep leaning forward!

John

lou3863 said:

Marriage work and Cancer'

I have worked 36 years of a 37 year marriage in a small business with my husband. 4 years ago I had breast Cancer. I was fortunate to only need radiation. I made all my appointments after 5 pm and never missed a day of work the entire 8 weeks of treatment. This past February I under went an operation to remove half my colon. I have been diagnoised with Stage 3 colon cancer. I did miss a total of 10 days in the hospital and 3 days at home recuperating since then I have had 2 chemo treatments. which I have either went to work before and or after the treatments. My doctor has told me I need to take care of my self. Today my husband told me when I asked that he carry the two cases of envelopes to my office that I was using an excuse not to have to do anything.
  I was told not to carry anything heavier than two lbs and two cases of envelopes weigh about 30 lbs. each. I already feel crappy that I am not pulling my own weight. Can anyone tell me it will be okay I am so upset right now. Thanks for letting me vent.

There is always going to be a comment, often where people just do not realize what they are saying.  Someone said something similar to me.  (I was diagnosed Stage IIIC in early 2015, surgery & 6 months of chemo.)

Anyway I did really well all things considered.  Took naps to be able to do things, like visit friends and walk around NYC with them and go to ballgames.  And I often was fine, or gave the appearance of the same.  But there were times I would just have to stop and rest for a few moments.  And I was told I was using it as an excuse.  I looked fairly well, kept a good attitude (usual bad jokes), so people just expected more I guess.  

Also (and probably not the case here), perhaps there was a joke aspect.  My wife and I have been kidding around through all this.  As a married man, I find the chemo brain excuse for forgetting things awesome  So I will say things like "chemo brain," and my wife would ask what my excuse was for before or before I can say anything "Yeah, I know you are going to blame chemo brain" and start laughing.  

And it could be just a stress reaction on your husband's part in all this.  If you have been together for 37 years, with 36 years working like that, it sounds like it is strong foundation and people make mistakes/say stupid things sometimes.

(I must say I like John's suggestion about the envelopes as a concept piece for sure )

Laz, I had a nice long response to your honest post, but then my internet connection failed and I lost it all.  I will try to re-write it when I have more time and energy.  It brought up a lot of emotions in my I thought were buried.

Linda

Hubby and I are too old to paint the town red, but I bet we and our wonderful Yolanda and hubby will make something exciting happen.  

I am sorry your marriage ended. I am sorry for the curcumstances that brought you both to that point.  Be good to yourself. You know there is a grieving process to go through, not unlike losing someone in death.

May you and your sail boat glide on calm seas from now on.

See you next month.

Sue 

lou3863 said:

Marriage work and Cancer'

I have worked 36 years of a 37 year marriage in a small business with my husband. 4 years ago I had breast Cancer. I was fortunate to only need radiation. I made all my appointments after 5 pm and never missed a day of work the entire 8 weeks of treatment. This past February I under went an operation to remove half my colon. I have been diagnoised with Stage 3 colon cancer. I did miss a total of 10 days in the hospital and 3 days at home recuperating since then I have had 2 chemo treatments. which I have either went to work before and or after the treatments. My doctor has told me I need to take care of my self. Today my husband told me when I asked that he carry the two cases of envelopes to my office that I was using an excuse not to have to do anything.
  I was told not to carry anything heavier than two lbs and two cases of envelopes weigh about 30 lbs. each. I already feel crappy that I am not pulling my own weight. Can anyone tell me it will be okay I am so upset right now. Thanks for letting me vent.

Uh, I have to agree with John23, here!  I've only lost 3 feet of colon BUT, because I wanted to "pull my weight" at both home and work, I developed a hernia.  I don't know what I lifted but my surgeon told me that I lifted something to cause it!  Ironically, because of my past, I thought I knew how to lift something.  The doctors practice medicine daily and kind of know what to do and not to do.  My wife tells me over and over not to lift stuff and my boss at work is quick to lift for me but I've told him what will happen if I throw another hernia, he loses me for 6 weeks! 

I know it's your husband and all but he should be extra sensitive about it.  By the way, I believe it's against the law!  He has to respect your abilities and disabilities.  Next time he gives you grief, tell him you'll sue his **** off!!!

W

Wow Laz you brought tears to my eyes. But not all tears of sadness. There are also tears of hope. I really hope you can find peace and harmony in your time alone. I just made a huge change in my life yesterday driven by cancer. Ito the update I promised was coming. I will post it this weekend. I am glad you are back on the forum. I/we missed having you around and reading you kind words.

Laz, so sad after reading your post. Cancer truly does rob us of so much. A little at a time, sometimes without us realizing it until it's gone. And it is true that cancer also pushes us to examine what is most important to us. I hope and pray that you will treat yourself well and find some joy and happiness in spite of the battle. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way tonight.

Phil

I was 68 when Dx, happly married and self employed my whole life, quite sucessful and never sick untill cancer. Now have a permanent ostomy bag which was a real adjustment both mentaly and physically. After the hospital my wife of close to 4o yrs started sleeping in the spare bedroom, said it was because I snored, well I snored before and on occasion would force her to get up and move to another room. We travel by motorhome and in rv parks anyone with a dog always carries poop bags to clean up after their pet and are thrown in a container, not in their bed at home.  Well I see little difference between my bag of crap taped to my stomach and that of my dogs in a plastic bag. I know it's a crude but realistic way of looking at it and makes it easier to understand my wife although she will not acknowledge it. I am now 76 and have adjusted to sleeping alone but still feel as though I may as well be living with my sister, I love her too. 

As for fairness in life and rewards, I have made good and bad business decissions and on a loosing one, I have always said "it cost money to go to college and I just received an education". Try to learn from it and move on, but when the aggrivation exceeds the enjoyment, it's time to get out. After the operation I realized I was on the verge of depression and needed a project to get involved in and get my mind off cancer so I bought another business. Spent over half of our savings and had to work 14 hour days but it worked, I was so busy I forget all about my other problems. My wife was with me all the way and worked as hard as I did, never said I was self centered, just asked that I would not leave her broke. It took 7 yrs to turn the business into a profitable enterprise but we did it together and now someone else owns it, but I still sleep with one of our dogs.

Hope you enjoy your sailboat as much as I did mine,10 yrs of it, liked long distance trips, Central America was my favorite. Last trip was St. Thomas and that was it, too many tourists, may as well stayed in Key West so sold the boat and tried traveling with a motorhome or as I now refer to it as a rolling kennel, 3 Yorkies.

Hope your decissions about life work out for you and good luck.       Steve

My heart is broken for you. Keep fighting and live your life for you! Try to do things you didn't do before, have new experiences. I can tell that you're a good man. I guess some people just can't deal with illness. I'm married for 35 years and don't know if my husband could deal with me being sick. That's the honest truth. 

Be well.

Lin

Thank you, Laz for sharing your story. Your insight and honesty is inspiring. A very difficult journey by a very brave man. I've read it several times and seem to take something new away each time.  Bless you for having the courage to share it with us.

My journey is all solo, but I have the benefit of having been a caregiver first to my mother who passed away from cancer. The diagnosis was was a shock, but I recall immediately thinking "I know this enemy". Cancer and I are old familiar rivals.  The only resource back then was a book in the public library by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on death and dying.  There was no internet and only limited medical treatment. She was given three months to live.  She survived over three years, albeit with incredible suffering. I remain haunted by the memory of bargaining for her life. First, to give me the cancer and let her live. Then, when things became so very bad, to please allow her to pass peacefully.  But she taught me how to fight, endure, and survive. It's an ironic full circle of life to experience those challenges now as a cancer patient.

John23, I really appreciated your post entitled: Envelopes.  Sometimes I forget to laugh. Life is so serious. You really made my day. Thank you. Laughter is the best medicine.