Lucky to be alive, but still the tears

Lisa please never feel embarrassed to just say how you feel and you are scarred. I'm pretty sure we all have been there, I know I have. This is the best place to come and just get it out. Remember this is a "Support Group" and this is what it is for, and why many of us stay. Being able to really say how you feel, and never be judged, and to persons that have been there and do understand is what this is all about. I have come here and just vented because if I really do vent to my family, I scare the hell out of them so I really don't. Just last night was really bad and I had some pretty heavy problems and concerns. I am a neck breather and my airway [hole in my neck] got 60%+ plugged and the stoma can bleed easy and it can get to me. Now my wife heard me up, and said this morning, you had a bad night. I just say yep, and leave it at that. So you see, I can tell you and the others, but not my family as it is too easy for them to take it wrong.

Now this is easy to say to you and I know it will be hard for you to do but it might not be as bad as you think. That won't make it less scary. When I was going into surgery the had me as T4; N2; M0, which means stage 4 and spread to lymph nodes and last month it was not this bad. Lord did I pray. I prayed as I held my Mother's rosary, to just give me the strength to handle what was going to happen. Not to be healed, or make it go away, just give me the strength to accept and live with losing my larynx and have a hole in my neck to breathe. It must have been heard because when I woke up I was not in ICU, which is normal for the first 24 to 48 hours. I wrote the nurse and said am I in ICU? She had this smile and said, no you are in your room. Right then I knew I was going to be ok.  Only 5 thought I would make it and that is counting me, my wife and doctor and two from work out of 250. My Son didn't or my Brother. The doctors came in, all five, and told me it went very well and I was only a T3; N0; M0. That meant it didn't spread and was fully contained in my larynx, which is gone, so the cancer was all gone as well. As a precaution, they did a neck dissection and took 86 glands which were all clean. That was if it returned, it won't get to the lymph nodes. I am very glad they did.

So you see you may get better news than you think. I always prepare for the worst and that way I can't be worse only better. Now being scared of radiation and chemo can scare anyone, and that is also a very normal feeling.  You know that MD Anderson is the best you can get to be treated and they do many and really know their sh@t, so you are in the best hands. Now as far as the crying, that also is a normal response, and yes I have also. It is good for the soul and helps.

I don't know it this will help much, but hope in a small way it will. Remember that we are open 24/7 and always feel free to just vent and get it out as it helps just writing it down. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers always. You are not alone in this and you are so much stronger than you think you are. Everyone here will be there for you.

Bill 

Oh my gosh...you should never feel hesitant to post here and reveal your true feelings and emotions. No one is here to be mean or diminish your unique and personal experience. We are here to support one another. 

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd be doing the same thing right now. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.

Sending gentle hugs!

Lise,  don't feel bad at all!  It has been more than a year since I had surgery and it will have been a year since I finished my chemo and radiation at the end of June.  I still have days that I am more emotional.  This is not at all what I was used to before as I felt I was tougher than that!  Don't think it is unusual at all.  Just take advantage of the support net that you have.  I never realized how many people prayed for me and pulled for me until I needed them.  When I did, they were there and they still are.  Even people like those here on the boards.  We have had our trials and we respect what you are going through and understand how you feel. 

The way I look at it, the cancer and treatments I have had have shaped me into the person I am supposed to be.  Now I live for every day and realize that the things I thought were important at one time, maybe aren't so much!  But the things I took for granted before, I don't any more.

I'll be pulling for you and hoping for good news from your appointments.  We're all here for you.

Crying is normal! Please come here anytime you need. My husband finished treatment 3 months ago, and I still well up with tears sometimes. It isn't fair. Sending my love and hugs!