My husband just passed away and I am so lost!

Elaine_R
Elaine_R Member Posts: 2
in Caregivers #1

My husband passed away on March 6, 2016 from stage 4 lung cancer.  We started up hospice a month before his death because he refused anymore treatment and medications and was placed on oxygen till the day he died.  He is the love of my life and losing him was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  5 days before his death he lost his ability to walk and stopped eating most things.  3 days before his death he had stopped eating and drinking and became confused.  The day he died he slept all day and kept murmuring in his sleep.  I called hospice in twice to check on him and they told me he was fine.  The evening he died he woke up and urgently had to pee and was in breathing distress and very confused.  I tried to help him feel better and kept telling him things would be fine, everything was ok.  I called hospice but they were not alarmed about his condition but said they would stop-by and check him again.  When I hung up from hospice his breathing problems were escalating - I felt so ill prepared to help.  I held him and kept looking into his eyes and telling him things would be fine, then I noticed his eyes became fixed and I didnt see his chest rising.  He stopped breathing without a sound!  I yelled and yelled at him to wake up but he never blinked or breathed again.  I called 911 they explained how to give him chest compressions till they got there.  Once they got to our home they would do nothing for him because he was a DNR.  I had to fight them to get to my husband to preform my own CPR on him but he never came back to me.  They pulled me off of him.

I re-live this night every day in my head - I feel that I should have been more aware of his condition and have done more to prevent the outcome.  I feel that I contriuted to his death because I did not do enough or was not more attentive to his changes within the last 5 days.  He promised not to go but went without even a good bye.  I dont know how to act or even what to do with myself.  I am still in shock.  I look at people around me and feel so removed from them.  My sister was there for me and brought me to West Fargo ND to be with her.  I love and apprieciate her help but it does nothing to change how I feel. 

 

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    So sorry

    Elaine I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I don't believe there was anything you could have done to keep your husband with you.  Please remember he was very sick and had declined treatment.

    It is very often so much harder on the caregiver than the patient.  Your husband had prepared for this when he decided on no further treatment.

    There are others who have lost their spouses who will respond soon.

    I'm saying a prayer for you, Elaine.  

     

  • soul-mate
    soul-mate Member Posts: 82
    #3
    Noellesmom said:

    So sorry

    Elaine I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I don't believe there was anything you could have done to keep your husband with you.  Please remember he was very sick and had declined treatment.

    It is very often so much harder on the caregiver than the patient.  Your husband had prepared for this when he decided on no further treatment.

    There are others who have lost their spouses who will respond soon.

    I'm saying a prayer for you, Elaine.  

     

    Loss of a loved one.

    Elaine   Sorry to hear about your loss, having experienced this myself losing my son and my wife the only thing I can say that I learned to accept and move on. Do not question yourself for anything that was beyond your control. Do not question WHY as you will never answer that ,it will just prevent you from accepting and moving on in time. Spend time with the people that are there for you all will fall into place. Take care.

    Soul-Mate

  • LindaK.
    LindaK. Member Posts: 506 Member
    #4
    So sorry

    Elaine, I am so sorry for what you have gone through.  You did the best you could and your gut instincts took over at the end to try to bring him back.  Just know he left this world in your arms and with your eyes on him with love.  That is a blessing many don't get.

    My husband passed away 17 months ago in a hospice facilty.  He was on home hospice for about 3 weeks and then I had to take him to a facility because I could no longer care for him at home and the Visiting Nurse staff was useless.  The facility was wonderful and he lived there 11 days.  His last 7 days were unresponsive and he passed away peacefully with no suffering.  For that, I am thankful.  I felt his spirit and strength envelop me as he passed.

    It is difficult to go from the caregiver to a widow, suddenly everything has changed.  I still work full time so that has helped me.  Our lives will never be the same.  I have gone to a bereavement group for over a year and see a counselor one on one to help me.  I am still very sad, but now I am working on the new "me".  I hope you can find some peace and help in your grief and mourning.

    Linda

  • wolfen
    wolfen Member Posts: 1,324 Member
    #5
    LindaK. said:

    So sorry

    Elaine, I am so sorry for what you have gone through.  You did the best you could and your gut instincts took over at the end to try to bring him back.  Just know he left this world in your arms and with your eyes on him with love.  That is a blessing many don't get.

    My husband passed away 17 months ago in a hospice facilty.  He was on home hospice for about 3 weeks and then I had to take him to a facility because I could no longer care for him at home and the Visiting Nurse staff was useless.  The facility was wonderful and he lived there 11 days.  His last 7 days were unresponsive and he passed away peacefully with no suffering.  For that, I am thankful.  I felt his spirit and strength envelop me as he passed.

    It is difficult to go from the caregiver to a widow, suddenly everything has changed.  I still work full time so that has helped me.  Our lives will never be the same.  I have gone to a bereavement group for over a year and see a counselor one on one to help me.  I am still very sad, but now I am working on the new "me".  I hope you can find some peace and help in your grief and mourning.

    Linda

    Elaine

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    I lost my husband in May 2013 after a 6 month battle with H&N and Lung Cancer. We were married 41 years. He spent the last month of his life in 2 hospitals as Sepsis destroyed his bodily functions. During the last week he was put on life support. Assured that there was no hope, I had to make the decision to remove it. Hospice Of The Valley was wonderful and transported him home on that final day. They remained here until he took his last breath 19 hours later.

    Fourteen months later, I watched my daughter as she lay screaming and convulsing until her last breath. She also had cancer. Her hospice group was terrible and like yours, would not even come to the house until she was gone.

    I also felt guilt thinking that there must have been something more that I could have done to save each of them. In reality, there was not. Both you and I did the very best we were capable of. Some things are just beyond our control.

     When you are ready, seek a grief support group or counselor as Linda suggested. There are so many of us out here that truly "get it". Many of us belong to "Grief Healing Discussion Groups". It is a wonderful online group I joined shortly after my husband died.

    Please take care of yourself. In time the pain does dull. This is a very hard jouney we somehow endure.

    Karen

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #6
    Your Husband

    I am so sorry for your lost.  I lost my husband in July 2015 after a 5 year battle with cancer.  He went thru so much and then declined all further treatment after a third reoccurrence and spread.  He was on in-home hospice for almost 2 years and I can't say enough good things about the nursing staff that came to our home.  His decline was rapid at the end but I can thankfully say it was peaceful.  He was unable to speak due to having his voicebox removed due to cancer for the last 4 years of his life.  The last week of his life we knew and two of our sons came home that Thursday and hospice was here several times that week.  On Friday his eyes were fixed and he barely responded to us or our nurse and on Saturday morning I knew.  I called hospice and told them he had just passed and they were here within 30 minutes declaring him dead and making arrangements.

    We would have been married 53 years in August and I had never been by myself because I went straight from home to marriage.  It is hard and there are days when all I do is think about him and cry and think what more I could have done but I tell myself I did what he wanted and that helps some and then I tell myself I should have talked him into more treatment and get mad and say why didn't I and know I didn't  because it was his decision, not mine nor our sons.

    I know people tell you he is at peace, and he is but you are not and eventually it will get better.  It takes time.  I still don't want to do anything but sit in the house and I tell myself he wouldn't have wanted that but right now I don't want to do anything because he won't be with me.  There is grief counseling thru hospice (at least mine offers it).  I get notices of when and where but so far haven't gone to the counseling sessions.

    Wishing you peace and comfort -- Sharon

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