Stupid Things People Say to Cancer Survivors
Comments
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More fun
1) During a CT scan the tech told me a lengthy rendidition of his brothers misery with chemo and finally just letting himself die, he then asked me,"Do you have Kids"? "I said, yes two boys 9 and 12 and a stepdaughter 7", his reply "little ones, too bad".
2) Giving my brother in law a ride to the mechanic, I shared that I had just finished my chemo, he said they didn't give you the strong stuff, you still have hair. FOLFOX and AVASTIN are strong stuff my feet and fingers remind me every day.
3)My friend with lung cancer told me that on greeting a friend at Walmart, she was asked "what is it like to be dying of cancer.
4)A Masters prepared nursing instructor told my wife, I wish I could have cancer for a little shile, you know to loose weight. The new Jenny Craig Grey Plan and you don't even have to buy the meals.
Fun stuff0 -
OMG!Mike49 said:More fun
1) During a CT scan the tech told me a lengthy rendidition of his brothers misery with chemo and finally just letting himself die, he then asked me,"Do you have Kids"? "I said, yes two boys 9 and 12 and a stepdaughter 7", his reply "little ones, too bad".
2) Giving my brother in law a ride to the mechanic, I shared that I had just finished my chemo, he said they didn't give you the strong stuff, you still have hair. FOLFOX and AVASTIN are strong stuff my feet and fingers remind me every day.
3)My friend with lung cancer told me that on greeting a friend at Walmart, she was asked "what is it like to be dying of cancer.
4)A Masters prepared nursing instructor told my wife, I wish I could have cancer for a little shile, you know to loose weight. The new Jenny Craig Grey Plan and you don't even have to buy the meals.
Fun stuff
Unbelievable!0 -
Just remembered another one....2bhealed said:OMG!
Unbelievable!
This one was buried in my memory and just popped out right now....I thought I had forgiven him, but maybe not....
When my sister came home from Mayo the first time after her surgery, radiation, and first sessions of chemo, I thought she looked really wonderful and was telling her so--color in her cheeks and life in her step-- and my BIL says (about his wife no less!!!), "She looks like a Bopal refuge" . Honest to God that came out of his mouth!
I'm not even gonna start up on what I think of him.....forgive as I have been forgiven....forgive as I have been forgiven.....mantra for the day.
peace, emily who has been known to say stupid things too0 -
you have got to be kidding2bhealed said:Just remembered another one....
This one was buried in my memory and just popped out right now....I thought I had forgiven him, but maybe not....
When my sister came home from Mayo the first time after her surgery, radiation, and first sessions of chemo, I thought she looked really wonderful and was telling her so--color in her cheeks and life in her step-- and my BIL says (about his wife no less!!!), "She looks like a Bopal refuge" . Honest to God that came out of his mouth!
I'm not even gonna start up on what I think of him.....forgive as I have been forgiven....forgive as I have been forgiven.....mantra for the day.
peace, emily who has been known to say stupid things too
Someone said to me, "Oh, my uncle died of that, is George going to die" Ummmm, not today but let me ask God and I will get back to you.
What happens at Stage V, ummm don't know have to get back to you on that one.0 -
Just Shoot -
When we found out Denny had Cancer and then decided to let the public and/our friends know.
A few of the good ones we heard were -
Oh no, both my parents died from Colon Cancer...
But this one topped all that was said to us -
If that ever happens to me I will just go out back and shoot myself!0 -
I'm sure that we've all heardlaurie83833 said:Just Shoot -
When we found out Denny had Cancer and then decided to let the public and/our friends know.
A few of the good ones we heard were -
Oh no, both my parents died from Colon Cancer...
But this one topped all that was said to us -
If that ever happens to me I will just go out back and shoot myself!
many of these comments. So, let's hear what you would want to hear....
from a concerned friend, relative, etc. What is the correct thing to
say? Just wondering as I'm racking my brain and can't come up with
much that we would want to hear.0 -
I can'tSandyL said:I'm sure that we've all heard
many of these comments. So, let's hear what you would want to hear....
from a concerned friend, relative, etc. What is the correct thing to
say? Just wondering as I'm racking my brain and can't come up with
much that we would want to hear.
Think of anything that I would really want to hear! I guess that's why we all say things that actually sound stupid once you think about them! When I heard about my fiance's partner and her breast cancer, even having had cancer myself, I didn't know what to say, there isn't much of anything that is comforting when you find out. All I did say was wow, sorry to hear that. Cancer sucks, now lets talk about what you need to do next....
Oh, and the first thing I did was talk about her hair (because she is definately going to loose it) and made her get rid of some of these weight watchers meals she's been eating for now. Told her that in less than a month, she is going to hate food anyway, so lets have some fun now while you can taste it!0 -
That's exactly what to say!!!daydreamer110761 said:I can't
Think of anything that I would really want to hear! I guess that's why we all say things that actually sound stupid once you think about them! When I heard about my fiance's partner and her breast cancer, even having had cancer myself, I didn't know what to say, there isn't much of anything that is comforting when you find out. All I did say was wow, sorry to hear that. Cancer sucks, now lets talk about what you need to do next....
Oh, and the first thing I did was talk about her hair (because she is definately going to loose it) and made her get rid of some of these weight watchers meals she's been eating for now. Told her that in less than a month, she is going to hate food anyway, so lets have some fun now while you can taste it!
What you said to her was honest, aknowledged the situation, but offered a fun alternative....BRAVO!
Hugs, Kathi0 -
Thanks for the laugh!KathiM said:That's exactly what to say!!!
What you said to her was honest, aknowledged the situation, but offered a fun alternative....BRAVO!
Hugs, Kathi
I am eight weeks post surgery. I heard so many of these...thanks for the laugh tonight. I actually have kept a great sense of humor through this. There is nothing better than butt jokes! I especially love when people ask "what kind" of cancer. Nothing shuts a conversation down like the colon!0 -
the day after my fact
the day after my fact finding colonoscopy, the one that found the cancer- the news is still hitting me in waves- I ran into my next door neighbor (who is a nut) and told him I have colon cancer. The first words out of his mouth, "OMG YOU AREN'T GOING TO DIE ARE YOU??"
I paused, the look on his face was one of horror, and I finally said, "David, truly, I can not believe you actually said that". Then shook my head and walked away.0 -
A week after surgery I was
A week after surgery I was out on my walk and ran across a neighbor I hadn't seen for a while. She just had her first colonoscopy (age 50), and they found polyps. I told her my story, and that I was so glad she had her screening and they were able to take out polyps before they had a chance to possibly grow into a tumor like mine. She told me that she thinks it is a racket - "They just tell you they find polyps to make you keep coming back often and pay them more."
After I admitted that I finally broke down and cried (many weeks into this whole ordeal) here is what a "friend" posted on my CaringBridge site:
"Crying only helps sometimes. Don't do it lightly. Save your tears for when you really need them. I'm not saying you didn''t need to...I'm just saying, measure them"
And here is another of her famous postings, and she wrote it following 3 separate posts over a week that I wrote, where I had not complained or said anything negative, and never said a word about having it worse than other people, or anything of the sort:
"A lot of developments! When I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis I didn't expect it to be a daily battle, but it is. One of the things that makes it easier is to consider the crosses other people have to bear. You might look at it that way, too. You will always find someone worse off. And for you, that might be something that person is quite accustomed to. In that case, soon you will find yoursel accustomed to what you are experiencing.
As we used to say, keep on keeping on"
It is a good thing she doesn't live close to me here in MN. My children want to strangle her. My friends want to strangle her. I'm tempted to strangle her myself...
I'm still working on becoming "accustomed" to cancer and chemo. I think that is a great goal - NOT!!!!0 -
Clueless remarks...
Only someone who knows the miserable experience my husband and I have had with Anthem could fully appreciate our entry into the "worst remark" contest:
"At least you have good insurance."
Hatshepsut0 -
Stupid Things
People respond inadequately because they feel out of place , and really do not know how to respond.. I was diagnosed with breast cancer.. Jesus died on the cross not only for our sins, but also for sickness and diseases..Surely He has borne our sicknesses and carried our pains...and by His stripes we are healed"; Isaiah 53: 4,5 .. and I know that God has healed me..and my response is God's word that no weapone formed against me shall prosper..Isaiah 54:17..God bless.0 -
Stupid things people say to cancer survivors
I am nearly 3 years out from stage 1A ovarian cancer. I had a complete hysterectory then 6 rounds of chemo. I got so tired of walking out of the house and hearing my neighbors in that whiny tone along with a pitying hand on my shoulder "OMG...are you okaaaaaaaaay?? How do you FEEEEEEEEEEL??" What the hell difference does it make to you how I feel? What were you planning to do about it?
My own cousin said to me "OMG...I am SOOOOO disappointed for you"... Yeah...that's real encouraging
And now that I am a little ways out, I still get remarks from my sisters in law, who have always wanted to feel superior. They say things like "you know...you're going to have this hanging over your head the rest of your life..." Gee...thanks
Or...."what meds are you taking for your cancer?" to which I replied after nearly 3 years.... "I don't have cancer." Or.."Wow, I bet you got REALLY depressed..." Thanks for reminding me.
It got to be that very time I would see them, cancer was the first thing they wanted to talk about. I avoid them like the plague now...don't need people in my life who bring me down. Thanks for letting me vent...
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New here
I have been following your blogs for the past 6 months and feel like I know many of you. I have found comfort here in the past, but not today. I feel so angry, I registered so I could add my opinion as a caregiver for the 2nd time around.
My husband has just finished 10 rounds of modified folfox6 chemo...he has colon cancer for the 2nd time (1st time 5 years ago--plasmoblastic lymphoma (stage 4, with a surprise adenocarcinoma)...discovered during surgery where they removed 3 feet of colon...suspected was just Krohn's disease-related. NOT!!!! (chances of being alive in 5 years - less than 10%)
Now 5 years later, he had another 2 feet 6 inches removed (suspected Krohn's-related--did not light-up on the PET scan)...surprise - adenocarcinoma in the small intestine, again.
He is the bravest person I know. He does not look ill, just a little more tired. He has great color - non-gray. He will beat this - it is not his time - the children and I still need him. He is a warrior - I'm not sure I could handle everything he is going through . He goes to work everyday--not a desk job, either! He needs to hear these things. If we (as caregivers/friends/family) don't say these things, you complain that we don't care or that we are not sensitive.
Should I tell him that his dark circles make him look like a raccoon? Should I tell him that he is thinner than ever? Should I tell him colon cancer is a killer and his chances aren't great? Do I pound into him that his risk for recurrence remains high because he has Krohn's disease? Or should I let him live happy, feeling great, relieved this round of chemo is over and allow him to make future plans and feel excited about the future?
What should people say to those with cancer? Oh, wow, what a bummer? Yeah, I thought you looked ill for a while, now? So, how long do they say you have to live? You look great bald?
I find that people who have cancer become very self-centered and selfish. Many of you justify this with "I don't have time for people who cause me stress...I don't sweat the small stuff anymore...I only do things I enjoy...and the list continues...
You want to wave the cancer flag, but you don't want people to try to interact with you. We don't know what you want to hear. We do know that people are beating cancer and/or are surviving with it. We do still need you to care about us and what we are going through. Our lives are not less important than yours! When you were diagnosed with cancer, our lives changed, too, forever!!!!
I am amazed by my husband and his strength. He is my hero. I tell him so every single day. I admire his determination. I gave him a high-five when his last treatment was finished. We still high-five each other. We still believe he is going to beat this. He has many things he still wants to do. Lucky for our family, they include us. Many of you are only looking inside yourselves now. Try to remember your friends/family/caregivers had hopes and dreams, too, before you got this awful disease. You may only feel like doing what you want to do now, but we are still here, too.
I thank you for listening. I expect many angry backlashes. That's ok...I am pretty tough...I am a caregiver.
Best to all of you!
Lily
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Absolutely no 'angry backlashes' hereLilypad50 said:New here
I have been following your blogs for the past 6 months and feel like I know many of you. I have found comfort here in the past, but not today. I feel so angry, I registered so I could add my opinion as a caregiver for the 2nd time around.
My husband has just finished 10 rounds of modified folfox6 chemo...he has colon cancer for the 2nd time (1st time 5 years ago--plasmoblastic lymphoma (stage 4, with a surprise adenocarcinoma)...discovered during surgery where they removed 3 feet of colon...suspected was just Krohn's disease-related. NOT!!!! (chances of being alive in 5 years - less than 10%)
Now 5 years later, he had another 2 feet 6 inches removed (suspected Krohn's-related--did not light-up on the PET scan)...surprise - adenocarcinoma in the small intestine, again.
He is the bravest person I know. He does not look ill, just a little more tired. He has great color - non-gray. He will beat this - it is not his time - the children and I still need him. He is a warrior - I'm not sure I could handle everything he is going through . He goes to work everyday--not a desk job, either! He needs to hear these things. If we (as caregivers/friends/family) don't say these things, you complain that we don't care or that we are not sensitive.
Should I tell him that his dark circles make him look like a raccoon? Should I tell him that he is thinner than ever? Should I tell him colon cancer is a killer and his chances aren't great? Do I pound into him that his risk for recurrence remains high because he has Krohn's disease? Or should I let him live happy, feeling great, relieved this round of chemo is over and allow him to make future plans and feel excited about the future?
What should people say to those with cancer? Oh, wow, what a bummer? Yeah, I thought you looked ill for a while, now? So, how long do they say you have to live? You look great bald?
I find that people who have cancer become very self-centered and selfish. Many of you justify this with "I don't have time for people who cause me stress...I don't sweat the small stuff anymore...I only do things I enjoy...and the list continues...
You want to wave the cancer flag, but you don't want people to try to interact with you. We don't know what you want to hear. We do know that people are beating cancer and/or are surviving with it. We do still need you to care about us and what we are going through. Our lives are not less important than yours! When you were diagnosed with cancer, our lives changed, too, forever!!!!
I am amazed by my husband and his strength. He is my hero. I tell him so every single day. I admire his determination. I gave him a high-five when his last treatment was finished. We still high-five each other. We still believe he is going to beat this. He has many things he still wants to do. Lucky for our family, they include us. Many of you are only looking inside yourselves now. Try to remember your friends/family/caregivers had hopes and dreams, too, before you got this awful disease. You may only feel like doing what you want to do now, but we are still here, too.
I thank you for listening. I expect many angry backlashes. That's ok...I am pretty tough...I am a caregiver.
Best to all of you!
Lily
I think this is a very well worded post, very thought provoking, and just as important to hear, as the posts from patients.
In fact, I think you should start a new thread, as this old post (2009) may not get so many views, and your post alone should be seen.
I know we all, caregivers and patients, handle this diagnosis in a different manner, depending on our personalities. I personally like to be up-front and like to be treated that way. Others can't handle that. I remember not liking people telling me I looked great, when I knew I looked like death warmed over. If someone had just said something like 'Oh, not a good day, I see', I could hadnle that allot better, whereas, someone else would feel lifted if they were told they looked good when they obviously didn't.
Its a hard thing. I don't blieve I have become more selfish, probably because I am a pretty selfish person to start with. I will wave 'the flag' if I think it will show people that Stage IV isn't a death sentence, or at least an immedient a death sentence. I definitely take more time for myslef, but I also serve others and enjoy every moment of it.
Anyway, a great post, worth its own thread. Think about it, and welcome to the forum.
Sue - Trubrit
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