Who am "I" Pre-cancer and Post cancer

Playing by the numbers

I suppose most would agree with the following:

4. I have helped many people in the early stages of this nightmare to feel better, even if only for a minute

10. I [would like to] help people going thorugh [through] this, because I know where there [they're] are mentally and physically and what this disease can do to you mentally and physically

13. I purposfully [purposely] never spell cancer with a capital "c".  It no longer controls me

18. I hate to waste time, even a second because that is a second of borrowed-time I cannot get back, so I don't waste it


As unfortunate as it may be, #13 is a tough nut. Cancer seems to control us when it forces us to change our life and schedules to conform to tests and operations that are necessary to maintain life. We do not want cancer to take control, but it does, and newcomers to this "social page" have to understand that. They will eventually figure it out, but why fake normalcy?  A diagnosis of cancer changes life; it has ramifications, both mental and physical, that do not ever end. It indeed "controls" us!

#18 Is a lesson in objectivity. I seriously think that most of us "waste time" by getting lost in hobbies and business; making money and looking for escape hatches, than seriously consider that life may come to an abrupt end well before we're ready to quit.

How many seriously make out wills, advance arrangements for funerals or cremation? How many check life insurance policies, health policies to see if they will support those that rely on our existance? Is the deed t the house made out to avoid probate problems, or will the spouse have an added problem when you die? Car titles, phone contracts, credit card names and contracts, various registration forms..... all the mundane paperwork that we all take for granted, but all that will be a very major problem for the survivor..... for your spouse or family.

Cancer isn't necessarily the "end of life", but it can be. And unfortunately, it is more often is, than it isn't.

We can feel we are not "wasting time" by not worryiing about tomorrow, but like a Giraffe burrying it's head in the dirt, you may get your butt bit.
(they don't really do that, btw...it's a myth)

"Prepare for the worst; wish for the best".

Best wishes for best health!

John

Sounds to me like you got strong and decisive through this ordeal. If it makes you better, that's awesome.  A lot of us just feel beat up by life, so you're way ahead of the game. Today we split my wife's ashes, the kids and I, was kind of a ceremony. Bits of her are going to Hawaii, Seattle, New York and all the places she never got to go, as well as Vegas and Dana Point, places she loved. I enjoyed reading your treatise, a declaration of your new rules, a statement that you run your life, not indifferent doctors, or friends who can't cope with hard truths and uncomfortable facts. Good for you. I aspire to that kind of strength, but today still made me teary eyed, albeit privately. Honoring my wife is great, losing her is going to ache forever.......................................Dave

beaumontdave said:

Feel free to say"screw it" or

Feel free to say"screw it" or "cancer sucks " or "the hell with this **** ", we're adults dealing with lots worse than language.............................................Dave 

"

True.  Just trying to make sure I am not stepping over bounds or offensive.  Which I normally do not do  But when can talk about farts and poops as part of our cancer, so my inner 5 year old is always satisfied  It is kind of funny about all that.  Before all this I would not be quite as forthcoming, now I tell people get a colonscopy and get preapred for those bunch of hours that we all know and love.  

I love the list! Good for you for doing something like this, I bet its very cathartic.

I wish I could say that I'm a better person for having come through this but I'm not. I have no more patience with people than I used to and less for whiners. When I see people on Facebook or in person going on about some trivial thing it makes me angry. When I see people acting like victims it makes me angry, too. And when I see cancer survivors acting like it's a badge of honour and they're in a special group like they're somehow superior to others or who try to elicit sympathy from people by announcing that they've had cancer very quickly in a conversation with a new acquaintance it makes me angry, as well. I'm also tired of feeling guilty. I guess it's survivor's guilt. I've always been brokenhearted reading about children with cancer. Now I feel horrible and also feel guilty because I'm doing okay. Why should I at 52 be doing well and a child who has never had the opportunity to have a life be dying? It makes me wish I could somehow spread my good luck and good health to them like a magical gift.

Anyway, your list is definitely thought provoking, thank you.

Jan

I read through the list and I certainly admire your perserverance, commitment, and energy in making changes in your life that are important to you.  As I come to the end of my treatment sometime in July  I've started to consider what comes next, which in my case will be to try to find a job, On reflection I've realized that I've had no epiphany or any major introspective life altering personality changes. 

For good or ill, I'm still the same slightly OCD, procrastinating, night owl that hates getting up early, enjoys arguing with lawyers and negotiating with sales people, loves to spend 3 days writing a program to automate something that would take me 5 minutes to do manually, who is cautiously optimistic about the ability of people to do good and to do the right thing, even when no one is watching, but have lived long enough to recognize that there's alot of self-serving, selfish, self-centered, egotistical, lieing, greedy, cheating, manipulative, and just plain hateful and/or evil people out there as well. 

I'm thrilled that after so many years of being a comic book fan/nerd that many of the hero's I grew up with have finally made it to TV and in the movies. I'm not a fan of using my car horn because, for me, it's much more satisfying to yell at all the idiot drivers (this is LA after all)  who need to go back to driver's ed and learn to drive and get the hell off my road. Generally with the windows rolled up of course.

I could promise myself that I'll eat better, get more exercise, reduce stress,  just like I have for the past 40 years or so but I have to be honest, even with Cancer as a motivator I'm not sure I'll  keep that promise any better in the future than I have the other 3,439 times I've made that promise to myself in the past.  The last time I committed to exercising and losing weight I was doing consulting work in another state for 3 weeks at a time over a 10 month period. My motivation, trying to impress my wife, and improve certain aspects of our relationship that had kind of fallen by the wayside (or more succinctly,  sex is always a great motivator).  I liked my life, stress, trivial annoyances, long-hours at work, annoying drivers and all the rest of it and wish I had it back. 

Like most people, I've had things happen in my life that would be considered life altering.  What I've discovered is that they altered me physically or they've altered those around me but I don't think they altered who I am.  I don't know where I picked it up at but one of my favorite sayings at work when someone, including me, made a mistake or had to deal with a crisis or emergency that we weren't prepared for I considered it a "learning and growing experience".  I've come to view this part of my life in the same way.

In my late teens I came across the Desidereta. (It's out there on the web). What I really liked about it is that it's brief, simple, and easy to understand. I can't say that I've always followed it but every once in awhile I go back and re-read it as a reminder of some important things I forget.

Cancer sucks and to make things even more complicated it sucks to varyiig degrees that is different for each person. I live alone, my daughter lives 4 states away and rarely hear from her, I'm out of work and the last time it took me 18 months to get a job during which time I went through all of my savings.  I'm still not sure whether or not I have liver mets or if at the end of my treatment I'll be able to claim to be NED. 

I'm not saying any of this as a complaint because compared to what others have gone through and are going through I consider myself very fortunate,  It's just a list of "issues" that are external to me that I would have to choose to worry and stress about .

Instead, for the time being, I choose to use what I used to believe was a weakness, which is really the "super power" of procrastination which lets me put off being stressed until later. 

Although I'm not a religious person, I've always liked this, even when "serenity" is elusive and "wisdom" is difficult to achieve.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Bill