Damn scanxiety!

todd121 · March 2016

hardo718 said:
So sorry Todd....
......glad to know I'm not alone, although I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I have 3 daughters and the middle one is my cross to bear. Always has been, always will be I suppose. Even my other 2 daughters will ask how is it that we were raised in the same home, same rules, etc and yet Valerie is so much different. (she's almost 36 by the way) I believed the messages she gave me for years (that it was my fault) and I blamed myself and consequently was always trying to make peace with her. I finally realized, after my cancer diagnosis, it has nothing to do with me, it's just Valerie. No matter what it's never enough with her. She never came around after my surgery, never offered to help even though she was closest distance-wise, never asked how I was (still doesn't). I finally said to her once that I did my best as a mother, I apologized if it wasn't good enough for her, but that I refuse to continue the arguing with her. I've accepted that from time to time she will go off on me, and I have continued to refrain from the fighting. Does it hurt???......hell yes! Cuts me like a knife. The strange thing too is that whenever she needs something, it's our doorstep she comes to. I have no answers to offer anyone else that lives through this, just know you aren't alone. I chalk it up to family dynamics and say we put the "func" in dysfunctional. I just keep telling her I love her, as I always have told her, and pray for her that someday she'll find happiness. I will honestly say I never "cursed" my children with the "I hope you have kids that do the same to you", but she is going through some of the same these days with her 15 year old son. She even apologized to me recently for the grief she caused. Don't misunderstand though, she'll apologize and when the moment suits her, she'll strike out again.

Todd, not sure of your location, but if you're in Illinois I'd be happy to accompany you to your appointment. I know how it feels to be alone at those times, my husband works the overnight shift and sleeps during the day.

I'll be praying for you, that your tests come back good, and your wayward son sees what he's missing out on. I guess that's all we can do. Life is so short, all we can do is to try to live our life to the fullest, be a good example to others and keep in mind that we can't win them all. Our time is too precious to spend it focused on the negative. Although if I'm honest, I know sometimes that's easier said than done.

Now that the weather is breaking a bit here, I met some neighbors yesterday. (we recently moved) The one gentleman has been battling prostate cancer that has metastisized to the bone. He is very inspirational. The other neighbors were telling him how he is always so upbeat and happy. He said he's not, and that he thought he wasn't going to make it thru the winter but here he is, and he's thankful for every day. What a sweet man he is. I look forward to seeing more of him and learning from him about how to carry on with such grace.

Have a blessedly good day,

Donna~

Not in Illinois

I'm in Southern California, but I really appreciate the offer. And your story. It helps to hear.

Wishing you the best,

Todd

todd121 · March 2016

donna_lee said:
I couldn't read this without a response
Wowee! First, let's deal with scanxiety- Not fun to anticipate those tests. And having had them find recurrences not once, but twice, every test has meaning and emphasis. It does get better as the years go by and you haven't reached that benchmark, yet. You will, though!

The weight gain...Ugh. I can't remember your physical condition, but all I can suggest is light walking and less food intake-of the right kind. Perhaps your oncologist or regular MD can refer you to a dietician for help. Insurance usually pays for it if you are considered pre-diabetic. And in light of the adrenal gland removal, that could be a real consequence.

And the family issues. I think we all have them. I was the unliked daughter from the age of 4; and I was trying to please and keep mom happy for years, until I figured out nothing I ever did or said would make her happy. Then I became the distant and ungrateful daughter. About 8 months before she died, I found out what it all stemmed from-when I was 4 years old, and the pieces fell into place. She was the one with mental health issues.

You need some peace at this point. As stated by others, (and I had come to the same thought before anyone mentioned it in their response) write him a letter-he may read it.

Let him know you love him and always have, that you miss being able to see him, and wish he could be with you on this health journey. But you can't change him, you can only change the reaction you have to his behavior. So at this time in your life, you need to focus on your health and the problems it is causing; so until he chooses to seek help for himself and be a part of your life, you cannot focus your energy on worrying about him, although you still care about him.

Drop him a note or card once in a while; but don't let his issues consume you. That way he knows you are still thinking of him and you can relax between life events.

Looks like a great idea on paper...Yeah! But I can't do that, you say. So you're going to sit and let this thing fester from the inside. Nope-not you.

Those of us here on the board are part of your extended survivor family. We care. We want to see you focus on your health and living comfortably. Remember-that if you don't take care of yourself, who will? (And that's another of your concerns.)

We luv ya,

Hugs, donna_lee

Great Advice

Thanks Donna (Lee)! I'm going to work on these things. It's all very good advice. I did see a dietician last year. I know what to do, I just get so busy with work and life that I don't eat right and exercise regularly. My weight is probably also related to my severe obstructive sleep apnea that is not being treated very well right now.

Ok. Time to pull my pants up and get on with it. It's what we do. )

Hugs,

Todd

todd121 · March 2016

mrou50 said:
Todd
I wish I had some definitive answer for you but all I can say is I hope and pray you will be able to reconnect with your son. My father and I were estranged for many years and then he just passed away, I don't know if I could have ever forgiven him for his abusive ways but I could have been a better person by spending time with him in his final days and then he would not have died alone. I know your situation is much different but I hope it works out for you, I would hate for your sone to have regrets like I do still today that I did not try.

Mark

It is one of my fears that he's going to regret it someday.

But I can tell you that your father wouldn't want you to keep punishing yourself over this. I know 99% of father's wouldn't want to cause their son such grief. He'd want you to be happy. So my vote is for you to forgive yourself already. I harbor no anger towards my son nor blame. I do want him to be happy and I hope he never is hard on himself about this. I just know your dad would say the same.

Todd

mrou50 · March 2016

todd121 said:
It is one of my fears that he's going to regret it someday.

But I can tell you that your father wouldn't want you to keep punishing yourself over this. I know 99% of father's wouldn't want to cause their son such grief. He'd want you to be happy. So my vote is for you to forgive yourself already. I harbor no anger towards my son nor blame. I do want him to be happy and I hope he never is hard on himself about this. I just know your dad would say the same.

Todd

Todd

Thanks for the kind words I hope I can get to that point some day.

Mark

Srashedb · March 2016

todd121 said:
Is it a boy thing?
Sometimes I wish I had a daughter. I noticed my daughter-in-law is more sensitive and stays in touch with her parents better. She also has pushed my sons to be more involved with me.

It is heartbreaking. I agree.

When I had my recurrence last year, I had no contact from my younger son at all. No call. No visit. No card. Nada. I'm still shocked honestly. I may not have been the kumbaya dad he wanted, but I came home every day, paid the bills, took him to soccer, scouts, piano lessons, stayed home with him when he was sick, went to all of his school stuff, helped him pay for college, bought him a new car when he turned 18, and was always kind and respectful to him (no hitting, name calling, belittling). In short, the opposite of my childhood experience. Haha. Still, I know I wasn't perfect. And yet he's angry enough at me to cut off contact when I get cancer. Heartbreaking indeed. I just never expected this. My dad did almost none of this, and I've been kind and respectful to him continuing to this day because he's my dad.

Ok. Thank you everybody. I'm going to try and let it go.

Hugs,

Todd

Boys

I can't answer that since I only have boys; both daughters-in-law appear to have more contact with their parents than the sons but who knows?

my oldest son has a 19 month old son and he said something very interesting and very revealing this last visit; he told me that as his mother, I am 100% responsible for how he turned out. he said that he would assume full responsibility for how his son turned out. Very strange comment, almost childlike for a grown man. "You created me" and left me unclear if the good things about him were included.

as you recount all the things you did for your son as a child, my thought is (from a mother's view) that we did these tasks without expectations of being paid back. My mom demanded total attention in her older years because she had done so much for me and I really hated that. I wanted to do for her out of love, not obligation.

the other thought is that maybe your son is afraid of losing you and avoids you for that reason; when I went through breast cancer, my oldest was 15 and rarely spoke of my disease but he would peak into the hospital room when least expected and a friend shared how sad he sounded. The youngest told me that I didn't have to worry about him, that he was learning to live without me.

so, as adults, perhaps hose fears still exist.

Sarah

Jan4you · March 2016

todd121 said:
It is one of my fears that he's going to regret it someday.

But I can tell you that your father wouldn't want you to keep punishing yourself over this. I know 99% of father's wouldn't want to cause their son such grief. He'd want you to be happy. So my vote is for you to forgive yourself already. I harbor no anger towards my son nor blame. I do want him to be happy and I hope he never is hard on himself about this. I just know your dad would say the same.

Todd

Well this discussion took a

Well this discussion took a turn away from your scanxiety for sure.

Again, Todd, you mentioned your son has a mood disorder. He's not thinking outside of his own misery most likely.He cannot. It takes all his energy just to get up every day. Much energy expended on denying his ability to seek help.

Denial is a strong emotion to suppress the truth.He has nothing to give anyone, especially if he feels less worthy himself. His thinking process is probably disorted.

Keep sending him the love..and somewhere, sometime, someone will connect him to the right help.I would still have someone keep a close eye on him due to this mental illness.

Hugs to you for being a great dad.

Try not worry about his regrets..those are HIS lessons.

Jan

marosa · March 2016

Jan4you said:
Well this discussion took a
Well this discussion took a turn away from your scanxiety for sure.

Again, Todd, you mentioned your son has a mood disorder. He's not thinking outside of his own misery most likely.He cannot. It takes all his energy just to get up every day. Much energy expended on denying his ability to seek help.

Denial is a strong emotion to suppress the truth.He has nothing to give anyone, especially if he feels less worthy himself. His thinking process is probably disorted.

Keep sending him the love..and somewhere, sometime, someone will connect him to the right help.I would still have someone keep a close eye on him due to this mental illness.

Hugs to you for being a great dad.

Try not worry about his regrets..those are HIS lessons.

Jan

This post

Have not yet been able to read all posts here but I so want to as soon as I can. I touches a subject so, so strong, meaniful and emotional as can be. There are so many things that we don't have an explanation for, things that much as we would like to, we are unable or unskilled to fix. I can feel the emotion just from having this page open at this post. It touches my heart. I send my love to you all. May we forgive ourselves and others for our shortcomings.

This post touches me even more at this moment. I have been away because of my parents fragile health lately. We are 7 siblings. A lot has been coming afloat these days as it did a little at the time of my diagnosis. Im trying to learn...

Damn scanxiety!

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