Damn scanxiety!

My 21 year old daughter is furious at me having cancer. Quite often that fury is just directed at me.. Its upsetting me and obviously upsets her. Damn disease!

todd121 said:

It is helpful

Thank you. Very helpful. Just knowing we aren't alone in this and that the reaction is not so unusual. I got caught so surprised that anger would be a reaction of someone you love getting cancer.

Just after my first diagnosis, my son said something to the effect of he might as well get used to me being gone since I'll be gone some day anyways. I was shocked. Damn it. I'm not gone yet. The ways people cope (or don't) with reality is amazing.

Aww you two daddys, this is heartbreaking.

I wonder if it could be that they do not know HOW TO feel, HOW TO cope with their anger and hurt. Usually, right underneath anger is a whole lot of hurt. I just have this feeling, Todd, especially thatyour son has no clue what to do.

Do you both know the stages of grief? Shock/denial, anger/depression, bargaining then acceptance. Most of us get stuck in some of these stages.

Todd, I  also wonder if you son could be depressed which is a crushing, overwhelming mood disorderthat most cannot control. Its like they just want to curl up and die. Some blame others for how the feel.Some males tend to act out, become agressive then withdraw.

Most of this is beyond your control. He may need a professional to assess what is going on.

None of my business so do not feel you need to answer this. Just consider what Ive said.

IN the meantime, I am sending you both a healing hug and hope for reconciliation.

Hugs, Jan

Hi Todd,

So glad that you could vent and voice your concerns here with us. You have been through a lot, and feeling like you have to face it alone is very sad, indeed. We are here for you. If I lived closer, I would be there in a minute to go to the doctor with you.

Others here might share some stories....about their families, their worries, their concerns. I don't even know where to start with mine. But my biggest worry when I had my kidney removed was with my youngest son. He has some issues as well. I was worried sick. I couldn't sleep at night. I sometimes wonder if my kidney cancer came through divine intervention just to force me to focus on something else. There is a saying...."a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child". When I read your story about your son, I really could identify (even though your story is different than mine). I really feel your anguish.

I have learned that worrying doesn't change anything. I always have been open with my kids, and yet we live in a delicately balanced relationship. Family relationships always get more complicated when a divorce is thrown in the mix. I still grieve for the loss of the family life I always dreamed of...even though I know that I wouldn't have had that family life even if I had stayed in that marriage. I am still pretty close to my kids, but I know they were hurt and I disappointed them when I left their father. They don't know everything, and that is the price to be paid. But they see that I now live in peace and am happy. Now back to my son....he has slowly improved. Each step of the way he has improved bit by bit. There have been setbacks, but still he is moving in the right direction. I saw him tonight and came home and told my husband how much happier he seems. The relief of that is indescribable. He resisted any help, would get angry if I stepped in, etc. I have learned to let him work through all of this on his own. He knew I was there if he really needed me.

I don't know if that process would work for you... to just let your son know you are there for him if he needs you and step back and see what happens. But REALLY step back. Put him completely out of your mind....take this opportunity to be good to yourself. Stop beating yourself up, dear man. You are a good man who is sensitive and caring. Try and focus on your health and develop a plan to live in peace. I highly recommend it.

I don't know if any of this made any sense or is of any help. I hope it did. You are a very important member here. We care very much about you!

Hugs

Jojo

Todd,

Sorry you have to deal with this issue on top of the health issues.  Family--the people you are supposed to be able to turn to in times of need for love and support, but many times, many of us get nothing but more grief and worry from them.  I know of very few people who have perfect, let alone functional, family relationships with everyone in their family.  It sounds like you have a decent relationship with your ex-wife and your oldest son and as Meat Loaf sang, two out of three ain't bad. I count my lucky stars that I have a loving, wonderful and supportive wife.  Many of my friends had similar relationships withtheir Dads, and damn it, we all WANT the Ward and Beaver and Wally Cleaver  dynamic with our sons or at least sometihing remotely close to it. 

Your son is an adult now.  He has expressed his feelings.  You have tried many times to reach him.  Forcing the issue may make things worse.

Something that may work is to write your son a letter.  Tell him you are sorry for having hurt him in the past, you love him, and you would do anything to make your relationship better.  There is not much more you can do with an adult.  Sometimes, when someone reads words, as opposed to hearing them, they are more impactful.   I have seen this work, and I have seen it not work. 

Jojo61 said:

Exactly, Jan!

Exactly, Jan! "These become their lessons to learn". It is hard to do....but we have our own lessons to learn!!

And PositiveMentally had a good suggestion about writing a letter. It lets you get the important statements out, without interruption and with more clarity. It can be read over and over again....but if you do that - take heed that the tone sometimes can be misinterpreted.

Thinking about you, Todd!

Hugs

Jojo

My daughter and granddaughters are very involved with our lives. We see them 4-6 days a week.

My son lives less than 1 mile away. We see him  in passing every couple months. In my 5 years as stage 4 cancer, he has not once asked me how I'm doing. He visits for 5 minutes every several months. We have never been invited to his house or even out for pizza. Why? Who knows. He isn't hiding anything and is straight an arrow as there is. There is no anger between us. He is just some guy I know who lives down the street. Heart breaking.

foxhd said:

for what it's worth

My daughter and granddaughters are very involved with our lives. We see them 4-6 days a week.

My son lives less than 1 mile away. We see him  in passing every couple months. In my 5 years as stage 4 cancer, he has not once asked me how I'm doing. He visits for 5 minutes every several months. We have never been invited to his house or even out for pizza. Why? Who knows. He isn't hiding anything and is straight an arrow as there is. There is no anger between us. He is just some guy I know who lives down the street. Heart breaking.

Aww Fox, I have heard you mention this before.

I just have this feeling he cannot cope.Out of sight, out of mind kind of thing.

I am a true believer in speaking to their "spirit"sending messages. Or sending him a note.Then its their issue to deal with and learn from. Still...

Hugs my dear,

Jan

hardo718 said:

So sorry Todd....

......glad to know I'm not alone, although I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I have 3 daughters and the middle one is my cross to bear.  Always has been, always will be I suppose.  Even my other 2 daughters will ask how is it that we were raised in the same home, same rules, etc and yet Valerie is so much different.  (she's almost 36 by the way)  I believed the messages she gave me for years (that it was my fault) and I blamed myself and consequently was always trying to make peace with her.  I finally realized, after my cancer diagnosis, it has nothing to do with me, it's just Valerie.  No matter what it's never enough with her.  She never came around after my surgery, never offered to help even though she was closest distance-wise, never asked how I was (still doesn't).  I finally said to her once that I did my best as a mother, I apologized if it wasn't good enough for her, but that I refuse to continue the arguing with her.  I've accepted that from time to time she will go off on me, and I have continued to refrain from the fighting.  Does it hurt???......hell yes!  Cuts me like a knife.  The strange thing too is that whenever she needs something, it's our doorstep she comes to.  I have no answers to offer anyone else that lives through this, just know you aren't alone.  I chalk it up to family dynamics and say we put the "func" in dysfunctional.  I just keep telling her I love her, as I always have told her, and pray for her that someday she'll find happiness.  I will honestly say I never "cursed" my children with the "I hope you have kids that do the same to you", but she is going through some of the same these days with her 15 year old son.  She even apologized to me recently for the grief she caused.  Don't misunderstand though, she'll apologize and when the moment suits her, she'll strike out again.

Todd, not sure of your location, but if you're in Illinois I'd be happy to accompany you to your appointment.  I know how it feels to be alone at those times, my husband works the overnight shift and sleeps during the day.

I'll be praying for you, that your tests come back good, and your wayward son sees what he's missing out on.  I guess that's all we can do.  Life is so short, all we can do is to try to live our life to the fullest, be a good example to others and keep in mind that we can't win them all.  Our time is too precious to spend it focused on the negative.  Although if I'm honest, I know sometimes that's easier said than done.

Now that the weather is breaking a bit here, I met some neighbors yesterday.  (we recently moved)  The one gentleman has been battling prostate cancer that has metastisized to the bone.  He is very inspirational.  The other neighbors were telling him how he is always so upbeat and happy.  He said he's not, and that he thought he wasn't going to make it thru the winter but here he is, and he's thankful for every day.  What a sweet man he is.  I look forward to seeing more of him and learning from him about how to carry on with such grace.

Have a blessedly good day,

Donna~

Wowee!  First, let's deal with scanxiety- Not fun to anticipate those tests. And having had them find recurrences not once, but twice, every test has meaning and emphasis.  It does get better as the years go by and you haven't reached that benchmark, yet.  You will, though!

The weight gain...Ugh.  I can't remember your physical condition, but all I can suggest is light walking and less food intake-of the right kind.  Perhaps your oncologist or regular MD can refer you to a dietician for help.  Insurance usually pays for it if you are considered pre-diabetic.  And in light of the adrenal gland removal, that could be a real consequence.

And the family issues.  I think we all have them.  I was the unliked daughter from the age of 4; and I was trying to please and keep mom happy for years, until I figured out nothing  I ever did or said would make her happy.  Then I became the distant and ungrateful daughter.  About 8 months before she died, I found out what it all stemmed from-when I was 4 years old, and the pieces fell into place.  She was the one with mental health issues.

You need some peace at this point.  As stated by others, (and I had come to the same thought before anyone mentioned it in their response) write him a letter-he may read it.

Let him know you love him and always have, that you miss being able to see him, and wish he could be with you on this health journey.  But you can't change him, you can only change  the reaction you have to his behavior.  So at this time in your life, you need to focus on your health and the problems it is causing; so until he chooses to seek help for himself and be a part of your life, you cannot focus your energy on worrying about him, although you still care about him.

Drop him a note or card once in a while; but don't let his issues consume you.  That way he knows you are still thinking of him and you can relax between life events.

Looks like a great idea on paper...Yeah!  But I can't do that, you say.  So you're going to sit and let this thing fester from the inside.  Nope-not you.

Those of us here on the board are part of your extended survivor family.  We care.  We want to see you focus on your health and living comfortably.  Remember-that if you don't take care of yourself, who will?  (And that's another of your concerns.)

We luv ya,

Hugs,  donna_lee

I wish I had some definitive answer for you but all I can say is I hope and pray you will be able to reconnect with your son.  My father and I were estranged for many years and then he just passed away, I don't know if I could have ever forgiven him for his abusive ways but I could have been a better person by spending time with him in his final days and then he would not have died alone.  I know your situation is much different but I hope it works out for you, I would hate for your sone to have regrets like I do still today that I did not try.

Mark