relationship stress with cancer

david54 said:

Hi IK-first I am sorry you

Hi IK-first I am sorry you both are experiencing this struggle, cancer. While my wife does not think I am cheating on her, she does get nervous when I leave the house for what she percieves is too long. I find myself calling her when I'm out at the market or car wash and its taking longer than anticipated-I guess she does fear I am starting to "Move on with life" even though my life it totally committed to her! She gets nervous when I go upstairs for a long time and I'm not with her watching HGTV while she's asleep on the couch!  I'll tell you one thing, the food on "Country Kitchen" sure looks good, and I never had any idea Martha Stewart could cook as well as she does!!

I think cancer alters our body appearance and in some ways, possibly, our spouses are acknowledging that they will leave us single at some point. That may be hard to hear, but I believe there is some truth to that. That being said, it hurts to think that the person we have sacrificed so much time and effort to supporting is suspecting us of being unfaithful. For my spouse, it has a lot to to with the former men in her life, when things got tough, they bailed. I am not anything like her previous partners, but I understand its what she has experienced.

If it helps I recommend therapy, for you and or him or both. I get asked all the time if I am in therapy, as if there is no way I could cope without it, but there are times when it's useful.

Take care

David

Thank you, David for your response to IK-first. As a man brand new to this painful part of our journey together, I feel hopeless and helpless in coping  with the news my wife and I just received, barely two days ago now, that has left us accutely aware of our love for each other and the possibility of that becoming a one-sided event for at least one of us in the worst case scenario. That refrain from Harry Nillson's song keeps running over and over  through my head, "Can't live if living is without you." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1_ZukxEpfs. We go later today for our second appointment post cat scan to speak with a Gynocologist about how to interpret the results and what next steps to take. Is their a board on this site that features mainly men speaking frankly with other men whose wives are going through this? I just want to fix this or make it all go away and am having trouble feeling the pain that keeps popping up.

Art in Austin said:

Thank you, David for your response to IK-first. As a man brand new to this painful part of our journey together, I feel hopeless and helpless in coping  with the news my wife and I just received, barely two days ago now, that has left us accutely aware of our love for each other and the possibility of that becoming a one-sided event for at least one of us in the worst case scenario. That refrain from Harry Nillson's song keeps running over and over  through my head, "Can't live if living is without you." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1_ZukxEpfs. We go later today for our second appointment post cat scan to speak with a Gynocologist about how to interpret the results and what next steps to take. Is their a board on this site that features mainly men speaking frankly with other men whose wives are going through this? I just want to fix this or make it all go away and am having trouble feeling the pain that keeps popping up.

Hi Art-

That is a great question-a site for men to share their pain. I believe that we process our feelings of fear, anger, even joy differently than women do, its how we are programed so to speak.

I hope the visit with your spouses Gynecologist was at least informational and hopeful as well.

What was so difficult for my wife and I was the waiting. Waiting is torture. Routine, as stressful as it can be, becomes familiar.

Kimberly, tell him his ongoing comparison needs to stop. He can tell it to someone else but not you.

Being realistic is one thing but you need positive, encouraging people around you.

Get your chin up and March forward.  The past is the past and you are building a future. Your boyfriend can get on board or get off this roller coaster. Either way, you will be fine.

My husband after 5 solid years of continuous chemotherapy for advanced urothelial cancer, who was not prepared to die, decided to attempt to cheat on me.  He was unable to perform the act, but in his heart he was.  I was devastated, and lost 50# lbs over it.  I couldn't understand what I was not doing to adequately care for all aspects of his care, including emotional.  I'm tormenting myself that I lacked in some way.  The truth is, this woman was pushing him to leave him and marry her.  I'm not sure if she felt he had money, but has convinced his family that I was improperly caring for him.  He lived 5 years longer than expected, and as I am a nurse, I don't believe I maltreated him.  He was functional and relatively healthy throughout.  He had 5 solid years of chemo, trial drugs, radiation and multiple surgeries.  As he was unable to work, I was the primary wage earner.  He had excellent care from the oncology team.  Am I wrong to blame myself?  Please-honesty only.

I'm not sure what you could blame yourself for. None of us can reasonably be responsible for another person's actions. None of us are perfect, but that doesn't mean our imperfections entitle, cause, or force our significant others to scamper off with a "Go Do Something Stupid" or an "OK to Cheat" pass

. I'm sorry for your loss, and by that I don't just mean your husband's death. Thinking you're somebody's "onliest" and then discovering you're not, then with cancer taking away any possibility of reconciliation really stinks. 

I understand what you are going through as far as relationship issues--it seems old issues get magnified. It can be hard to separate the condition stresses and any relationship issues

that come out during a patient's need for your presence and ongoing care. I still wonder if I 'didn't do enough' in helping him at the hospice for his comfort, because he had a tendency to extreme ideas about doing anything for him before he got sick. He also was afraid of a woman 'doing too much' for him, and this attitude could change out of the blue either way. I still don't know if his last day alive was about that because he was dissatisfied with my request for the staff to help with what I told him I didn't know enough how to do, or medication issues. He suddenly look bewildered and then very angry, slamming his bed to the side, pulling the bed curtain in front of him and refused to communicate further. I tried to wait patiently; he fell asleep later and then i gently kissed him before leaving as the hospice was closing. He died the next day.