My joke protocol at cost saving; I wouldn't mind if we got better MEDICAL care
"Universal Cost Saving Protocol"
(How hospitals could cut costs without actual patient suffering)
No more free meals: you came here for healthcare; we are not a five star restaurant.
Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are a $2.00 surcharge. If you cannot pay, we will bill you to your home. If you have an outstanding balance from a prior visit, you will not eat until it is paid. "Fasting IS good for you anyway." Low income patients may qualify for "free lunch." A limited number of "free lunch" tickets are available each month. Please apply two weeks prior to your stay. You may also pre-pay your meals prior to your stay. We accept all major credit cards, with a $15.00 minimum charge. If you are required to eat, and have no money to pay, we will provide you a grilled cheese sandwich like they do the poor kids in school.
No more "choosing" your meal. You get vegetarian or meat meals. No special orders, and condiments are limited to one per meal. I.e. You get sugar OR ketchup. Coffee and soda machines are available in the hallways for "extras." Items are $1.00 each. Please ask your nurse first (keeping in mind the "one button push per day protocol")
No more television. If you want television, it is $4.00 per day paid at the time of service, no exceptions.
Toilet paper: Surcharge of $1.00 per roll. You WILL learn to use two sheets like mom told you to.
Tissues: Surcharge 50cents per box. Tissues are a non-essential item as you can always use your toilet paper.
WIFI: Wifi service is $2.00 per day, and we will then give you the password. If you are caught sharing the password with another patient, you will be barred from the wifi program.
Extra blankets: You will be provided two blankets. Extra blankets are $3.00 each.
Pushing the "nurse call" button: You are limited to one nurse call button push each day, unless it is an emergency. If you push the button, and you thought it was an emergency, but it is not, we will allow that to be your one button push. Pushing the button more than once daily (non-emergency) will result in a $1:00 surcharge. Please plan to ask for water, medication, or other items at one time.
Medication delivery: if you are ambulatory, you are expected to pick up your medication at the nurses station. Do not push the nurse button; we will call you when your medication is ready.
Phone service: Your bedside phone is available for use at 25cents per call. Incoming and outgoing calls will be billed to either a debit, credit card, or your home phone bill.
"If it's brown flush it down; if it's yellow, let it mellow". Please abide by this rule on an honorary system. We will expect to see a yellow pool on occasion when we visit your room.
For your convenience, you may provide a card for payment of these services at the beginning of your stay. To check your updated balance, push UCSP followed by your medical record number, and then the # sign.
Thank you for staying at "The Hospital"
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