Having a Down Day

Are you currently healthy enough to take a vacacion?  If so, can you afford it?  Cancer definately sucks, but unfortunately we have to live with it!  I wish yoyu well!

I am sorry you are feeling low today. It happens to the best of us, and sometimes more so when we are struggling to live a 'normal' life. Sometimes we look at others and realize things won't ever be 'normal' for us again, and that may be true, but we can do what we can do. 

I've been saving dimes and quaters for the last five years. I'm in the middle of counting them, and it looks like there should be enough for hubby and I to fly to Southern Californial to stay with Yollimbs (yes, our very own forum friend) and her lovely husband, this year. 

I also save dollar bills, and when I have enough I get a facial or something else special. 

I know it doesn't sound like allot, but if we can make sure we allow ourselves to a treat, big or small, it can make the world of difference. 

I know we're not like your FB friends (I'm always up for new FB friends if you want), but you know we're here for you, and understand these emotions. 

Cyber hugs!

Sue - Trubrit

lizard44 said:

Feeling down

Sorry you're having a down day. I agree that it's worth it to  indulge in something fun to counteract the  bad feelings.  If you  feel up to it and can afford it, go for  a vacation- even a short one to help rejuvenate yourself, or  indulge in some other activity that brings you pleasure and  enables you to push the cancer thoughts into a very small corner of your head for a little while.

I   was debating with myself over the last few days as I   indulged in my usual pre-diagnosis winter occupation of poring over seed catalogs and planning a garden.  Since I  just finished up  chemo and then chemoradiation and  won't know for a while  what treatment comes next or what the next scheduled scan will show, should I just forget ordering seeds this year? If I plant seeds, will I  even be able to take care of a garden, etc., etc.?  Then I remembered that saying, "To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow." I just ordered the seeds!  Watching seeds germinate has always excited me- I'm  like a child discovering something new every time I  witness those tiny  little stems breaking through the soil and lifting their heads to the light. On some level, doing  this "normal" activity is an affirmation that I am still here, still me and that there are still  many things that can give me pleasure and hope.  And even if I'm not around to  enjoy the harvest (which I hope I will be, by the way) it's worth planting the seeds.  And since I DO hope to be hale and hearty enough to reap this year's harvest I even ordered a new cookbook  that  gives recipes utilizing  the bounty from the garden.  

Grace

I am so glad you ordered your seeds. You will love your garden as if you were new to it. 

I've never heard of that saying 'To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow'. How apt! 

Sue - Trubrit

John23 said:

Downers…

A vacation for me would be nothing less than an out-of-body experience.

I have a PICC line hanging out of my right arm, an Ileostomy bag hanging off my left side, and two nephrostomy tubes, one hanging off each side of my back feeding rather large rubber bags that collect urine. My rectal stump discharges so much mucus, that I now require a sanitary pad and Depends underwear, and my “ding-a-ling” discharges blood.

I look at myself in the mirror naked…. I no longer appear human; it is a surreal experience.

People that know me say I look great. My physician said I have good color….

I said: “so does my urine, but it’s still pee”.

Cancer is a downer. We all lose so much. Very few of us escape the ravages of it. And we rarely can avoid worrying about tomorrow and if we might to be able to actually see it.

People can attempt to dive into a hobby; lose oneself in preoccupation and burrow into deep concentration in something other than cancer, but for most of us it’s useless. Oh, it works when we’re feeling OK, but as soon as we feel a pain, or a bump, or some sort of a sick feeling that we can’t explain, all the hobbies and vacations mean nothing. We sink into a sadness that comes from the despair we try so hard to disguise.

Some take happy pills… 

I’m not all that happy, and I don’t care who knows I’m not happy. I’m too busy when I’m not too sick to be busy, and I won’t have pills slowing me down. If I’m seriously depressed at times, I have reason to be.

We all, every one of us, have earned the right to be depressed. Most all of us don’t need to feel happy as much as we need a shoulder to cry upon.

Let it out. Take a ride and let it out.

Do what I do….. I see a healthy individual on the street… I give ‘em the middle finger. “Make my day”.

 

Be well,

        John

 

 

I got thru Christmas and new year without talking to anybody except the cashiers at the local chemist. I agree that we have earned our depression. It is not about chemical imbalance it is about the total lack of good times. I have always been totally independent , I can do a lot of things and I can fix almost annything, that has not changed  just how long it takes to do it and fix it  not to mention the weeks of recuperation afterwards.  My boss's husband and son in law are both mechanics. Several times in the past twelve months I have asked one or both to change all of the belts in my 4x4 tray back ute. I can barely get the lid off a jar nowdays let alone undo an oil filter buried in the bowels of a diesel motor. It seems they were always too busy to do it. Mind you I was not asking for charity I was offering to pay the going rate. So during some time off over christmas I changed all the belts , the oil and fuel and oil filters. I was totally stuffeed for the rest of the hols. Now I am coping flack for doing it all myself and nearly killing myself. I may no longer have cancer but I am probably closer to dying than I ever was when I had it. Why can't people get that because someone no longer has cancer the impression that they must be well is crap . The people on these boards are the only ones I ever tell how I feel . The rest of the world can do me a favour and leave me alone.  I just do not feel that I can ask for help anymore. Do people see me as a lifetime commitment if they help me? I fear that after cancer we become refugees and no one wants to deal with refugees. I do what I can when and if I can and if I can't I don't stress I just don't do it. I don't like it but short of opting out I don't have a lot of choice. In eleven days I reach the end of year seventeen of survival. I was not unhappy with the three years they originally offered me. Ron.

ron50 said:

I don't converse with them at all

I got thru Christmas and new year without talking to anybody except the cashiers at the local chemist. I agree that we have earned our depression. It is not about chemical imbalance it is about the total lack of good times. I have always been totally independent , I can do a lot of things and I can fix almost annything, that has not changed  just how long it takes to do it and fix it  not to mention the weeks of recuperation afterwards.  My boss's husband and son in law are both mechanics. Several times in the past twelve months I have asked one or both to change all of the belts in my 4x4 tray back ute. I can barely get the lid off a jar nowdays let alone undo an oil filter buried in the bowels of a diesel motor. It seems they were always too busy to do it. Mind you I was not asking for charity I was offering to pay the going rate. So during some time off over christmas I changed all the belts , the oil and fuel and oil filters. I was totally stuffeed for the rest of the hols. Now I am coping flack for doing it all myself and nearly killing myself. I may no longer have cancer but I am probably closer to dying than I ever was when I had it. Why can't people get that because someone no longer has cancer the impression that they must be well is crap . The people on these boards are the only ones I ever tell how I feel . The rest of the world can do me a favour and leave me alone.  I just do not feel that I can ask for help anymore. Do people see me as a lifetime commitment if they help me? I fear that after cancer we become refugees and no one wants to deal with refugees. I do what I can when and if I can and if I can't I don't stress I just don't do it. I don't like it but short of opting out I don't have a lot of choice. In eleven days I reach the end of year seventeen of survival. I was not unhappy with the three years they originally offered me. Ron.

You paid the price Ron; we all have.

I didn’t suffer the results of chemicals or radiation, but the surgeries got me. The misdiagnosis’s got me, and the misapplication of western medicine pharmaceuticals got me.

An antibiotic (Z-Pak) sent me into a downward spiral. It was one thing after another for the past two years, and my requests for a sigmoidoscopy was claimed to be needless by the gastro doc I trusted. Damned signet cell cancer in the rectal stump now. Could have been removed 1.5 years ago. Now it appears to have invaded the prostate and bladder. I’m looking at a lot of surgery. The herbs stifled the growth, but I hadn’t taken any since 2008. No need to; nothing there… And I’m waiting to hear if they’ll operate at all, or just offer hospice. I had MRI scans 1-8-16… But nothing but open surgery will provide a look at what’s going on. If they open you up and see it’s gone too far, they close you up and send you off. There’s not much sense in healing for 6 months if they only expect you to live 9…

In 2006 they gave me 3~5 years IF I did chemo/radiation, and -0- time if I didn’t.

It’s funny how life works. I was clean since 2006. The herbs worked. Now, thanks to a wrong diagnosis of a symptom by a specialist I trusted, I’m in a really tight spot that only surgery may get me out of. Cancer cells don’t worry me (much), but tumors take their toll. It’s hard (if not impossible) to knock down a tumor with herbal concoctions.

We all pay the price Ron. And no one really knows what it’s like except those of us that go through it. I’m like you, I come here because I understand what others are going through, and those that are here know what I’m going through. It’s a comradery that we never hoped to be part of, but we’re all fighting the same battle, regardless of the weapons we were given.

Best wishes Ron… (and to all those reading this thread as well)

John

ron50 said:

I can't count anymore either John

I was operated on on jan22 1998 . so ends year 18 start year 19.

Congrats on going into your 19th year.

I am starting my 12 year.

Cheers !!!!!!!!

All the best

Bruce

beaumontdave said:

Vegas and Disneyland, living

Vegas and Disneyland, living in SoCal, I've done both enough. I know that's not your point Jan, and I feel your frustration, but I've been "riding high" enough to know it always looks better than it was or is. My wife's sister and family live in Lake Havasu and Facebook is full of photos at the various bars and restaurants, beaches, and on the lake, every week. It's like a neverending party, and here I am trying to put the fragments of the life I thought I was going to have, back into something I can move forward with. Having earned my right to be down, doesn't make it feel any better. The one thing I have going for me[and I've mentioned it before] is I can't stay down, I get tired, bored with depression. Since I can't just up and go somewhere far away, I find solace in either working on stuff, walking, taking a drive, reading, or music. Like all of us here, I have to get the most out of the little things in life. Having the granddaughter and son to figure out and provide for help with my sense of purpose, but finding contentment and any sense of wellbeing, is like catching a greased pig, very slippery.........................Dave

Ron, I like your refugee analogy, like we're somehow outside of who we were, and who others still are, and the lives they continue to live. It's all perception, but coping with that POV may be the biggest fight for a real quality of life, beyond  the physical stuff.....................................Dave

OK, it doesn't 'belong' to me, but it does; if you know what I mean. 

Ask anyone here who sees my FB posts. Canyon pretty much dominates. Birds, rocks, flowers, Mountain Lions, Creek, snow, sun, thunder and lightening, Rabbits, Snakes.......

The Canyon is my healing place. I think we all need a healing place. It doesn't have to be out in the elements; but something that works for you as an individual. 

We have to find peace with our lot. And yeah, struggle through those moments when we just wised that.......  We all have them. 

Sue - Trubrit