Loss of my husband, my best friend

My husband, Rick was diagnosed on November 25 or 26 of 2014. He had throat cancer due to smoking according to doctors. He was sent to treatment and had issues with the center. Then in February 14th of 2015, on our anniversary, he had to be hospitalized. He was having difficulty swallowing and breathing. They did an emergency tracheostomy the next day and then on Wednesday, the 18th, he had his lower set of teeth removed and a PEG tube inserted. He was not happy. He fought and fought hard. He had many complications that nobody would address. Either way, we wound up in the hospital again in August right before his birthday. He wound up being diagnosed with PE and leg clots. They rushed him to ICU and we waited, because they were afraid of issues on his heart. He wound up being ok enough to do just lovenox. He hated it, but we continued on. In October is when we would get a huge scare, because he began to bleed from the trach, his nose, and his mouth. We went to ER and they admitted him for observation. No clue what he had going on, because they just pumped him full of antibiotics and let him go. We then had the holidays and he began bleeding again right after Christmas. He mentioned that he did not want to go to the hospital until after the New Year. So, we spent the week after Christmas just doing things we needed. New Year's eve went great and up until 2 am or so on New Year's day was when we were having some fun. We began to get sleepy and so we went to lay down. At about 9 something in the morning, he was using the restroom and I checked on him. He seemed fine, and then I went to get his meds ready and go back under the covers because I was cold. Then he coughed with a congested sound and I went back to the restroom. This time, something went wrong. Blood was everywhere. He was trying to maintain calmness. I turned to get the phone and he was up and the blood was coming out more. I told him, I am calling an ambulance and as stubborn as he was, he said "no, call my mom". So I did and she didn't answer me. So he said fine, call the ambulance. Within that time, the house was becoming bloody, because his anxiety kicked in and I was trying to keep calm, because we didn't want him to die. As I finished with the dispatcher, it seemed like an eternity for the ambulance to show. He was able to tell me, "I love you both." We have a 13 year old. He also told me that he was having trouble breathing. The ambulance finally got there and he was walking out to the stretcher, but the EMT made him go back and get a towel for all the blood. He got back to the stretcher and he told me, "make sure they don't lay me back." And I did, but the EMT made me go get his meds, and I had to grab our daughter and turn off all heat sources I could remember. That took me a few moments, and I ran back out and knocked on the side door of the ambulance and on the back of the ambulance, but nothing. THEY DIDN'T LET ME IN!!!! They turned on the sirens and took off. I yelled to our daughter and she hurried and we jumped in the truck and I sped off. I didn't have a care in the world other than to get to him. I got to the ER and told the nurse that they'd just brough my husband in. She said, "I'm sorry, we can't let you back yet." UGH, why is time so slow. It seemed like forever, but his mom and step dad finally showed up and at that point a nurse came out and asked for me. She wanted his meds. We walked back and she told me, his heart stopped and I lost it, but kept it together all at the same time. I needed him. He's only 38 and we've been together going on 15 years! Either way, she says "you can go back or stay out here." No, I wanted to see him. I needed to. So, I walk back and they are pumping his chest. The dr tells me, he was responsive until he got here and his heart stopped. They tried 6 rounds of epinephrine and were now on CPR. About 5 minutes later, they gave up. He wasn't coming back. AHHHH, I cried. Alone, I cried. The nurse asked me who to call back and I asked for his mom. She cried too. They took us to a room and brought our daughter, his step dad and grandfather back. Our daughter lost it. She was broken. I hate cancer! They were cleaning him up and getting him ready for us to go see. He was so cold. He hated being cold. I hate how he passed on. He suffered. He had had enough suffering. Why couldn't he pass on peacefully? I also live with regret, because I don't truly know what happened when they got him in the ambulance. I don't know if they layed him back or what. I don't know.

I don't even know how to move on. We were supposed to grow old together. I am only 33. I lost my husband. I have people telling me he's in a better place. NO, NO HE'S NOT. He was supposed to be here and see our daughter grow up, graduate. I have other's telling me, you'll find someone later on. NO, I MARRIED HIM!! He was my partner for life. Oh, I just don't know.