angry husband

tootels said:

Very Angry Husband

I'm actually writing because I too have a very angry husband and I no longer can handle the abuse.  He was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer 14 months ago.  While he's still very independent, he does rely on me very heavily.  Unfortunately, not long after his diagnosis, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  Nowhere near the severity of his disease, but I'm still strugging with the chronic pain/severe fatigue, etc. I also work far away and commute 4 hours every day. No matter what I say or do to my husband, I'm always an idiot. I either did this or that wrong, or I'm stupid and worthless and then there are the really nasty insults. I've also been called the "C" word on many ocassions. I keep telling myself that he doesn't mean these things and he's just saying them because he's got cancer and hates the treatment and is terrified of dying. However, it doesn't give me any comfort thinking that he doesn't mean these things. Sometimes I cannot help but engage in these tactics and then I feel HORRIBLE for doing so. I'm literally losing my mind. He literally has no empathy towards me and I feel like he has a license to do or say whatever he wants and I just have to take it. I've decided not to engage, but I'm just constantly getting the verbal beatdown. He's also turning our 2 boys against me. Our eldest son who's in the Air Force now tells me that I'm always wrong and he doesn't like it when I make his Dad mad. And now he's starting to be very abusive towards me. Everytime we have an argument, my husband calls him and tells all about it.  I don't think we should be getting our kids involved. They have enough on their plates. I feel like I'm being ganged up on by our boys and my husband and feel very unwelcome in my own home. To everyone else, my husband apparently is an "inspiration" as he's always telling his former co-workers and long-time friends that he's going to beat this nasty cancer. From what I hear he's always so positive and laughs and everyone talks about what a great smile he has. But I don't know that man!!! The man I know, is very negative and very ANGRY.  I do not understand this at all.  Why is he being this way towards me but so inspirational to everyone else?  I've done hours upon hours of research on this cancer and the only way I was able to get through his early diagnosis was to stay positive. 3% of those diagnosed with Stage IV PC survive 5 years or longer. Well, I kept telling him somebody's got to be in that 3%, and maybe that's you. I probably went overboard though with trying to be positive and a friend of mine told me that he probably felt invalidated. My friend said that if he felt it appropriate to worry or to be negative, then I should let him do it.  That was very hard, because that's the only way I could cope--to believe that would be one of those lucky survivors. Well, things have only gotten worse and not better. I feel like the only way to have some sanity in tact is to leave. I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I don't know what else to do. I'm not even sure if he'd care that I left. I guess I'm worrying too much about what other people are going to think of me...We've been together for 23 years and can't believe that our marriage could very well be over. 

Leave.  Now.  Get into therapy.  Now.  Do not worry about what people will think of you.  Your "friend" may think it's ok for your husband to be negative, but a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer does not justify verbal and emotional abuse of one's spouse, no matter how "invalidated" one feels.  Urge him to seek help (if he won't, he won't) and let his oncologist/palliative care doctor know about his behavior.  But leave.  Now.  For your own sanity and safety.  Keep us posted as you can.  

Noellesmom said:

love
Jennie,

Please understand that in spite of Jim's alcoholism, I love him, too. We were high school sweethearts. It just got to the point the drinking was killing our relationship and something had to give. I could never (and still can't) imagine a life without him as part of it. Although it did not come to that, divorce was the only thing that made him consider the seriousness of his drinking.

People who are sick do sometimes say hurtful things and, you are right, it is very hard on the caregiver. You know the person inside the hurt and you will find your way to see past it. It sounds like your husband may need someone to talk to besides you, too. I hope there is someone who can help in that way.

As for being afraid and having no one to talk to, you have so many people right here who seem very compassionate and willing to listen. I'm betting someone is online most any time of day.

Hello, I just "joined" this discussion forum today after reading through the posts for great information!  Thank you!  I wanted to comment on the issue of alcoholism and its close connection to hypopharyngeal cancer.  My husband was dx Aug 3rd and is currently undergoing tx.  We have been married for 40 years - 23 years of sobriety and 17 years of active drinking on his part.  He went through 2 rehab programs and I often weighed whether it was best to stay together for the kids or go.  He was never an angry or mean drunk -he just checked out.   We still have a strong bond even though some of the bad memories linger.  It breaks my heart but it also angers me immensely that just as we prepare to retire the consequences of the drinking have caught up with him(us).  We dont talk about why or how he got this cancer but the doctors have acknowledged that his history of drinking played a large part.  As I watch him go through this miserable treatment I cry for him.  When I sit alone with my thoughts I want to get away.  I've given up alot.  It may sound harsh to someone to hear that you could even have those thoughts but I think anyone who has lived their life supporting someone through their drinking days may very well have had enough.  No one can know what has gone before the cancer dx.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.  I plan to stay and keep fighting but I completely understand when someone feels they have nothing left to give.

hi ya'll. . About 3 mount ago my husband got diagnostic with Gallbloder cancer , ibig mass and puching at  into he's billis tubos ,so docs have to inset a stins so  they can work . A lot the nights at the hospital ,know Having quimo and looks good ,but not a change for know of operation yet ,maybe if these work they will do later if not only have a top 1-3 years left . 

Is devastered. After 27 years of married we was looking fower to enjoy our life .and look fower he's retirement front the military .

right know I only have a ungry man , and I 'm Ben he's punch bag with he's insults and crying daily myshelf to sleep .

i'm a nurse and I know the I have to back up and left him , go truth , I'm feeling loss and I really need o talk to same one .my family is far from me.

thank you for lisening ?

Noellesmom said:

Listening

I'm sorry you find yourself here and that you and your husband are going through this.  It is a tough road.

You don't have to cry yourself to sleep.  Supporting someone does not mean they can abuse you.  Take care of yourself by insisting he treat you fairly.

If your husband is ill because he is in pain he should ask for help.  Perhaps he needs anti-anxiety medication or help with depression brought about by all the rapid unwelcome changes in his life.

Look for resources in your location to help you.  Perhaps a local minister can help find what you need.

And come here.  We will listen.

thank you for your post , 

is hard when every single moment is nothing bad complain . Them he give me the "not talk treatment" . Or tell me the I'm I considered or disrespectful ..About looking for a Meds ,or consul I try before and he refuses to go o take any extra Meds .So I 

try to stay out the house all day ,and I'm looking for a job ,the last time I spend together the better .I hope he thinks about it .i will still there for hm but I will left him take care himshelf . Right?

Noellesmom said:

Do whatever is right for YOU

You need support and positive people in your life.  Work can be a good place to find it.

Until then, do all you can to take good care of yourself.  Take long walks, start a journal, get a checkup with your own physician.  Go to the movies, the library, to church.

You are going to be okay no matter how things go for your husband because you are sayinsurviving is not enough.  You want to THRIVE.

And you will.

Hugs.

hi again, firts thank you so much for your words of caring , I try to talk to him yesterday  and ask for he can do one thing for me ,  Respet ,the I'm only one and a human ,not perfect ,I can only try my best to be there ,suport , not went well ,he's words cut so deep .He ask me for a soup ,I made it  and I made same chicken diner for the rest of us ,but same stra cut for him ,he stared to accused me the not wanted him to eat ,,to make short  was nasty so I left for a day out . Now I having the " not talk treaming "  and my older daughter say to me " is all about you you you " really? . O well  what can I do ,

Noellesmom said:

It IS about you!

And there is nothing wrong with that, Yasmine.

Your husband depends on you and I'm sure others do, too.

You won't be able to change anyone else's way of thinking, only yours.  Feel good about yourself and take care of yourself.  Attend whatever religious services are provided by your faith.  Find strength in knowing you are a good, strong person and will be ok.

Your husband seems to think you owe him respect for his feelings and I'm sure you show it.

As for your daughter: is she your own child and speaks to you this way?  When did you give her permission to do this?  Not okay.

Hugs,Yasmine.  You are in a tough spot but you will come out the other side much stronger.

hi Noellesmom , 

yes is our olders  child , and I was having a conversation about my feelings  with her and a letter that I wrote to my husband (her father) . 

Things are not going well , he yes cameback from a week vacation  and today after church ,I was watching he's clothes  and he was talking to me ,but he's setting at the next room and belive you can't ear because the machine notice ,when I ask to repited he stared to swering a me ,and I was so shock I let the house in tears ,now I don't know if I keeping helping him or yes back away . 

Noellesmom said:

Question

Was he an angry man before the cancer?

yes , Cain a Bolly but now is worse , , I'm worried that f I not found a job  we are going to go wrong . , I don't have a family next o me ,be a military spouse is hard ,.

Noellesmom said:

Military

Has he been deployed recently?  Last year or so before cancer diagnosis?

no , he's station here , at these base , . 

Noellesmom said:

On base

Are there counseling services available to you on base?

yes , I try before , he never want to go , I'm . Tired . 

puppy2010 said:

Dear Kayaker01,
My husband,
Dear Kayaker01,
My husband, too, is very angry and says very hurtful things to me. He was diagnosed with Stage 3A squamous lung cancer two years ago. He had 5 chemo treatments and 35 radiation treatments. So far, there is no new or old cancer activity. However, he takes Tarceva which causes numerous side effects. It really has taken over his life. Many days he has diahhrea and his eyes bother him. He has called me a moron and yelled at me in front of friends and family. One of his friends and one of his family members told him he should treat me better because I'm going through this with him even though I'm not the one with cancer. I am grateful that they said something, even though I feel like crying out of humiliation. I have gained 25 pounds, have high blood pressure and am pre-diabetic due to all of this. My doctor told me I have to lose weight and I've lost 13 pounds to date. I go to the gym and walk during lunch time at work. I also get together w/friends on several occasions for dinner. I don't mention these problems because I don't want to break down in front of them.

He told me last week that he was sick of doing nothing but taking pills and feeling lousy. I feel sorry for him and mad at the same time. I think we are one of the lucky ones because he is retired. I'm still working and carry the hospitalization. We are fortunate because our hospitalization is wonderful. He also is a Vietnam veteran and his lung concer was deemed to be caused by Agent Orange. He also receives veterans' compensation for this. So far, he can still drive and function on his own, although he gets very tired.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It's very hard and stressful. God bless you.
Jan

hi there, you are so right ,my husband also say very hurtful things to me only , he lashes at me constantly and know ignoring me ,

if I driving him to the doctor ,if I cook, if I ask questions , or tell me to shot up infront of our kids . Devastering ! I'm giving up in help 

because these . I can't stop crying . I feel soo helpless . Any suggestions ?