Too tired and sore to do Christmas

Salsify
Salsify Member Posts: 37 Member
in Anal Cancer #1

Hi, I have been benefiting from this site since shortly before starting treatment for an anal cancer tumor discovered Sep 3, 2015. And thank you for the sharing of your experience, strength & hope.

Discovery was followed by myriad tests, a 2nd opinion sought on biopsy (tumor located where rectum & anal canal meet and cells poorly differentiated) and what seemed like forever before doing something to get rid of the cancer.  Chemo first 4 days & last 4 days  of 28 radiation treatments, finished on Dec 14. Other than the first and last weeks I continued working my job in a very small office. In spite of my reading I wasn't really prepared for the intensity of the burns & blisters, especially in the inguinal folds, my "lady bits" (my 22 year old daughter's term) and around anus and in the crease above. My doctor recommended I used antibiotic ointment over all the area, which also worked as barrier. From the stains on my ladies' boxer shorts (someone mentioned buying stock in Hanes - good idea!) I must be oozing fore and aft. What a painful mess!

But what I am hoping for is help with the guilt I feel because aside from the wreath my sister put on my front door, there is no sign of Christmas in my house. I haven't wrapped anything. I haven't even pulled out the gifts I bought all year, and can't really remember what I did get. Did anyone else "miss" a holiday because of treatment & after effects?

Sally

Comments

  • 7243
    7243 Member Posts: 249 Member
    #2
    No guilt

    im sorry you're going through this at all, let alone At Christmas.  I was diagnosed just before Christmas so i lost that holiday to overwhelming fear, anxiety, and worry.  However, I recall the fatigue, pain, drainage, and mix of emotions immediately after treatment and beyond as I healed.  First of all ... You will heal pretty quickly, however, not in time to do Christmas as before.  I suggest some self compassion and an attempt to let yourself be right where you are.  It's not humanly possible to "decorate and shop".  I'll bet your family understands! Healing takes all of your physical and emotional strength ... Guilt is not the most helpful emotion.  Here's a thought ... Ask your daughter to get a small tree and watch them decorate it.  Rally the family to help you with a touch of food shopping ... Perhaps this is a time to let them help youJust enjoy the day with less focus on physical gifts and enjoy the great gift of time together.  Christmas is in our hearts ... Christ is our great Hope for ultimate healing...and a beautiful spiritual focus as you physically heal from treatment.  

    Try to be kind and understanding if yourself, you've been through a terrible onslaught to your body.  Perhaps, Let the family know how much you want a bit of Christmas and ask for help!  There's still time this week For them to help you celebrate your new life!  Do the gift wrapping later ... Maybe Schedule a delayed Christmas morning when you can enjoy the experience in less pain. 

    These are a few thoughts ... Sending hugs and support!  Rest up ... Be where you are and heap on the self compassion ... Not guilt!  Now that would be a nice Christmad gift to you From you ... No guilt. 

    be well ... Rest well .... 

  • eihtak
    eihtak Member Posts: 1,473 Member
    #3
    Salsify......

    Sally,

    I just want to repeat what has been said.....have compassion this year for not just others who may be suffering in some way, but for yourself as well.  Christmas traditions often depend on your faith and family, but some years just have to be different than how we'd like to imagine them.

    My husband was treated for a blood cancer a few years ago (as I was recovering from anal cancer treatment) and was in a hospital 3 hrs away from most of our children and grandchildren.....so not a lot of our usual celebrating that year.  We light-heartedly referred to the fact that the three kings arrived long after Christmas with their gifts.....so in tune with that, we had a Christmas celebration much later when we were both feeling well! No, it wasn't the same.....but we did gifts, decorations, and some favorite holiday foods as well as had a great time making new memories!  On Christmas night he laid in bed, pretty much knocked out by dinner time and I watched "White Christmas" from a recliner in his hospital room.......people felt bad for us, and I probably had a little pity party myself, but felt pretty reassured in knowing there would be another Christmas the next year and we wanted to get well by then!  We did!

    Just this past spring I was diagnosed with a recurrance in my lung and spent the entire Easter weekend in bed feeling weak, sore and nauseous from treatment side effects.....Easter is my favorite holiday!  Again, Easter movies was the best I could do.

    Celebrate in your heart, be good to yourself......I remember that Christmas with my husband, closing my eyes and singing in my head, "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my mind"

    Wishing you peace, as you move forward during this season of challenge, healing, and eventual joy!

    katheryn

  • mp327
    mp327 Member Posts: 4,440 Member
    #4
    Salsify

    First, let me say welcome, but I am sorry you have had a reason to join this group.  I do hope that you will recover in short time from the treatment.  The physical things that you are experiencing right now are all within the realm of normal after this protocol.  However, that's not to say they are any fun to deal with!

    As for the holidays, I'm probably a poor person to ask about feeling sort of lost this time of year.  I go through that every year.  My family is not that much into Christmas, especially since my 91-year old mom now has dementia.  My husband's mother passed away last February and his family has decided to not even get together this year.  It is a sad year for us.  I know my reasons for not looking forward to the holidays are different than yours because you've just recently finished treatment.  But please know that I do understand because in 2008, I finished treatment in September and when Christmas rolled around, I couldn't have cared less.  Cancer and the treatment we receive, both take a physical and emotional toll on us.  I think what you are feeling is normal.  Do not feel guilty about it, please.  If anyone questions you about not getting into the spirit, remind them gently that you have just gone through cancer treatment and you just need some time to get back to normal.  If they don't understand, let it be their problem and not yours.

    I do hope you find a way to be joyful this season, even if it's just for a moment.  May God bless.

    Martha 

  • Lorikat
    Lorikat Member Posts: 681 Member
    #5
    guilt.....  Boy is that a

    guilt.....  Boy is that a bugaboo!  I am four years past treatment, NED, and this is the first Christmas since I was diagnosed that we have totally "done" CHRISTMAS.  Everything just takes time...  Hugs and Merry Christmas!

  • KC49
    KC49 Member Posts: 6
    #6
    skipping the gifts this year

    I was diagnosed in October and just finished 5 weeks of chemo radiation.  I am in no mood to celebrate and i actually resent when people who know of my condition say happy holidays.  I would like to tell them they wouldn't feel that way if they were me but i would never say that.  I only think it.  I want this time to pass quickly.  In fact i would prefer to sleep through it but my family would get too upset.  Looks like i will have to fake it as best i can

  • Salsify
    Salsify Member Posts: 37 Member
    #7
    7243 said:

    No guilt

    im sorry you're going through this at all, let alone At Christmas.  I was diagnosed just before Christmas so i lost that holiday to overwhelming fear, anxiety, and worry.  However, I recall the fatigue, pain, drainage, and mix of emotions immediately after treatment and beyond as I healed.  First of all ... You will heal pretty quickly, however, not in time to do Christmas as before.  I suggest some self compassion and an attempt to let yourself be right where you are.  It's not humanly possible to "decorate and shop".  I'll bet your family understands! Healing takes all of your physical and emotional strength ... Guilt is not the most helpful emotion.  Here's a thought ... Ask your daughter to get a small tree and watch them decorate it.  Rally the family to help you with a touch of food shopping ... Perhaps this is a time to let them help youJust enjoy the day with less focus on physical gifts and enjoy the great gift of time together.  Christmas is in our hearts ... Christ is our great Hope for ultimate healing...and a beautiful spiritual focus as you physically heal from treatment.  

    Try to be kind and understanding if yourself, you've been through a terrible onslaught to your body.  Perhaps, Let the family know how much you want a bit of Christmas and ask for help!  There's still time this week For them to help you celebrate your new life!  Do the gift wrapping later ... Maybe Schedule a delayed Christmas morning when you can enjoy the experience in less pain. 

    These are a few thoughts ... Sending hugs and support!  Rest up ... Be where you are and heap on the self compassion ... Not guilt!  Now that would be a nice Christmad gift to you From you ... No guilt. 

    be well ... Rest well .... 

    Thank you

    Thank you. You've helped me give myself permission to just enjoy being with my family. I really wanted to be able to be more festive, since all but 1 nephew of my extended family (we are 5 siblings, the other 5 did marriage right & have provided me with great silbings-in-law) will be gathered together for the first time since 2007. But they've told me that the only thing they hope I do is show up as we celebrate God's great gift.

    sally

  • Salsify
    Salsify Member Posts: 37 Member
    #8
    eihtak said:

    Salsify......

    Sally,

    I just want to repeat what has been said.....have compassion this year for not just others who may be suffering in some way, but for yourself as well.  Christmas traditions often depend on your faith and family, but some years just have to be different than how we'd like to imagine them.

    My husband was treated for a blood cancer a few years ago (as I was recovering from anal cancer treatment) and was in a hospital 3 hrs away from most of our children and grandchildren.....so not a lot of our usual celebrating that year.  We light-heartedly referred to the fact that the three kings arrived long after Christmas with their gifts.....so in tune with that, we had a Christmas celebration much later when we were both feeling well! No, it wasn't the same.....but we did gifts, decorations, and some favorite holiday foods as well as had a great time making new memories!  On Christmas night he laid in bed, pretty much knocked out by dinner time and I watched "White Christmas" from a recliner in his hospital room.......people felt bad for us, and I probably had a little pity party myself, but felt pretty reassured in knowing there would be another Christmas the next year and we wanted to get well by then!  We did!

    Just this past spring I was diagnosed with a recurrance in my lung and spent the entire Easter weekend in bed feeling weak, sore and nauseous from treatment side effects.....Easter is my favorite holiday!  Again, Easter movies was the best I could do.

    Celebrate in your heart, be good to yourself......I remember that Christmas with my husband, closing my eyes and singing in my head, "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my mind"

    Wishing you peace, as you move forward during this season of challenge, healing, and eventual joy!

    katheryn

    Thank you

    Thank you for sharing your experience - reminding me how lucky I am to have family. I wish you & everyone here the best of the season.

  • Salsify
    Salsify Member Posts: 37 Member
    #9
    mp327 said:

    Salsify

    First, let me say welcome, but I am sorry you have had a reason to join this group.  I do hope that you will recover in short time from the treatment.  The physical things that you are experiencing right now are all within the realm of normal after this protocol.  However, that's not to say they are any fun to deal with!

    As for the holidays, I'm probably a poor person to ask about feeling sort of lost this time of year.  I go through that every year.  My family is not that much into Christmas, especially since my 91-year old mom now has dementia.  My husband's mother passed away last February and his family has decided to not even get together this year.  It is a sad year for us.  I know my reasons for not looking forward to the holidays are different than yours because you've just recently finished treatment.  But please know that I do understand because in 2008, I finished treatment in September and when Christmas rolled around, I couldn't have cared less.  Cancer and the treatment we receive, both take a physical and emotional toll on us.  I think what you are feeling is normal.  Do not feel guilty about it, please.  If anyone questions you about not getting into the spirit, remind them gently that you have just gone through cancer treatment and you just need some time to get back to normal.  If they don't understand, let it be their problem and not yours.

    I do hope you find a way to be joyful this season, even if it's just for a moment.  May God bless.

    Martha 

    More thanks

    It really helps knowing that I am not alone - and wish you also at least moments of joy.

    sally

  • Salsify
    Salsify Member Posts: 37 Member
    #10
    Lorikat said:

    guilt.....  Boy is that a

    guilt.....  Boy is that a bugaboo!  I am four years past treatment, NED, and this is the first Christmas since I was diagnosed that we have totally "done" CHRISTMAS.  Everything just takes time...  Hugs and Merry Christmas!

    Future hope!

    Thanks!

  • Salsify
    Salsify Member Posts: 37 Member
    #11
    KC49 said:

    skipping the gifts this year

    I was diagnosed in October and just finished 5 weeks of chemo radiation.  I am in no mood to celebrate and i actually resent when people who know of my condition say happy holidays.  I would like to tell them they wouldn't feel that way if they were me but i would never say that.  I only think it.  I want this time to pass quickly.  In fact i would prefer to sleep through it but my family would get too upset.  Looks like i will have to fake it as best i can

    Hibernation

    Hibernation would be lovely. Just sleep for a few months and let our bodies heal before we wake up! Only 3 people besides the nurse, doctor, and radiation staff (and they only saw my backside) have seen what the radiation did to me - everyone else tells me how good I look. Best of luck getting through this time.

    sally

  • jcruz
    jcruz Member Posts: 379 Member
    #12
    It's good to know that your

    It's good to know that your family just wants you there with them.  That is a wonderful gift to you.  I was not long out of treatment when Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around.  I went to a friend's home for Thanksgiving and she kept her bedroom toasty warm so that I could comfortably rest any time I needed to lie down (which was a lot!)  I couldn't eat much but we didn't care.  It was so great to be with my friends and know that I was on the healing side of my ordeal.  Christmas was a little better.  No decorations and not much of a spirit but I was happy to have my daughter home.  She cooked and cleaned and loved me.  That was more than enough.

    I hope you enjoy your family time.  Rest whenever you need to.  I wish you the best as you rest and heal.  Keep in touch.

    Janet

  • KC49
    KC49 Member Posts: 6
    #13
    jcruz said:

    It's good to know that your

    It's good to know that your family just wants you there with them.  That is a wonderful gift to you.  I was not long out of treatment when Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around.  I went to a friend's home for Thanksgiving and she kept her bedroom toasty warm so that I could comfortably rest any time I needed to lie down (which was a lot!)  I couldn't eat much but we didn't care.  It was so great to be with my friends and know that I was on the healing side of my ordeal.  Christmas was a little better.  No decorations and not much of a spirit but I was happy to have my daughter home.  She cooked and cleaned and loved me.  That was more than enough.

    I hope you enjoy your family time.  Rest whenever you need to.  I wish you the best as you rest and heal.  Keep in touch.

    Janet

    Thank you for your good

    Thank you for your good thoughts it helps to know i am not all alone with my sad feelings

     

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