When to tell Others that I have Cancer

agu
agu Member Posts: 7
in Emotional Support #1

Last week during a CT scan for abdominal pain, Doctor found that I have 9.5 cm x 6.5 cm x 6.5 cm mass on my right kidney. I have first appointment with urologist tomorrow to assess extent of spread and discuss potential next steps.

Right now, only my wife knows that I have cancer. I am wondering when to tell others that I have cancer. After finding out the diagnosis from my physician, we had dinner with friends but we decided to not tell them as I really don't like pity parties and I wanted to wait at least until we have met specialists.

My main concern is when to break the news to my parents. They both are eldest in their generation and have outlived their siblings and most cousins. They always joke about their longevity.  I think it will be really devastating to them to find out that they have good chance of outliving one of their kid too. They are also going to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary early next month. We and my siblings and their families were planning to visit them later next month and celebrate the occassion. Most likely, we will not be able to visit now so sooner or later we have to tell parents and family why we can't visit.

I really like to wait until after their actual wedding anniversary before telling my parents. I don't want to ruin the occassion for them. I might tell my siblings a day or two before any surgery if there is one. We all live far apart so quick visits are out of questions by anyone.

What do others have done when it came to telling your close family, relatives and friends that you have cancers?

Thanks.

Comments

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #2
    You

    First off, there is a saying that it is not cancer until they say it is.  Have you had a biopsy? CT Scans while great can only tell if there is something there.  Only a biopsy can say if it is cancer or not.  My youngest son had a kidney removed due to cancer 6 1/2 years ago.  Did great and then two weeks ago they spotted something on his other kidney.  He is seeing a specialist this afternoon with all his tests.  Of course, he and his wife, are freaking out right now.  It is normal.  But until they do a biopsy they won't know.  When his kidney was removed it was because the mass with inside the kidney and we didn't know it was cancer until they removed the kidney and biopsied it.  The specialist was pretty sure but still there is always the hope that it is not cancer.

    Now my husband's first complaint was an occasion ear ache and sore throat.  He saw our primary and he didn't see anything and gave him ear drops to use for a week and if that didn't help told him to see the ENT.  Well he did see the ENT and he scoped him and told him he was pretty sure he had throat cancer but only a biopsy would tell for sure.  He had a CT scan first and then a week later a biopsy and it was cancer.   He lost his 5 year battle several months ago.  But only biopsies told his specialist for sure although he was pretty sure since he had seen a lot but he told us he could be wrong.  Sure wish he had been wrong.

    Wishing you the best

     

  • agu
    agu Member Posts: 7
    #3
    Ladylacy said:

    You

    First off, there is a saying that it is not cancer until they say it is.  Have you had a biopsy? CT Scans while great can only tell if there is something there.  Only a biopsy can say if it is cancer or not.  My youngest son had a kidney removed due to cancer 6 1/2 years ago.  Did great and then two weeks ago they spotted something on his other kidney.  He is seeing a specialist this afternoon with all his tests.  Of course, he and his wife, are freaking out right now.  It is normal.  But until they do a biopsy they won't know.  When his kidney was removed it was because the mass with inside the kidney and we didn't know it was cancer until they removed the kidney and biopsied it.  The specialist was pretty sure but still there is always the hope that it is not cancer.

    Now my husband's first complaint was an occasion ear ache and sore throat.  He saw our primary and he didn't see anything and gave him ear drops to use for a week and if that didn't help told him to see the ENT.  Well he did see the ENT and he scoped him and told him he was pretty sure he had throat cancer but only a biopsy would tell for sure.  He had a CT scan first and then a week later a biopsy and it was cancer.   He lost his 5 year battle several months ago.  But only biopsies told his specialist for sure although he was pretty sure since he had seen a lot but he told us he could be wrong.  Sure wish he had been wrong.

    Wishing you the best

     

    Thanks for sharing

    Thanks for sharing information about your son and husband. Hopefully, your son' other kidney is fine.

    Biopsy will not happen until mass is removed. Saw the specialist today. The mass is large enough that specialist suggested removing whole kidney. Saw the CT scan, appears mass is covering most of the kidney. Also had chest x-ray for any issues with lung and blood test to check whether bone scan is required. Surgery is scheduled for end of next month. Will seek out second opinion in the mean time.

    Told sister tonight, she suggested to hold off telling parents till next week when they are back at home. She handled the news more calmly though BIL freaked out. My sister also had tumor in throat last year, turned out to be benign. 

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #4
    Second Opinion

    Definitely get a second opinion and make sure you are comfortable with your doctors.  Also check to see how qualified your specialist is in his field.  My son saw a new specialist yesterday because his other one had left the hospital he was practicing in.  My DIL asked this specialist alot of questions and he took time with them.  My son will have to have further testing before they do anything else.  One thing is a CT scan with contrast which is really not recommended for a person with one kidney but the specialist said in this case it was needed and they would be watching my son closely. 

    So as you can see with your surgery scheduled a month away it is a waiting game.  My son waited several months before having his kidney removed because he wanted to finish up his degree in teaching (surgeon agreed with him), which to me was stupid because he never got a job teaching because that is when the economy tanked.  To me that was a stupid move but at the time his CT scans showed the cancer was contained in the kidney and no spread.  He did great after the surgery.  Had to sleep in a recliner for a few nights but pain wasn't too bad.

    Wishing you the best

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