New here, but not new to cancer.

I am a survivor of cancer and was also a care giver to my sister who had stage 4 uterine cancer, so I have a bit of experience at this as well.  My sister died about 18 months after diagnosis.

For me being a caregiver was not just seeing to her physical needs but also her emotional needs.  Being well educated, I knew the probable outcome for my sister from day one, but I did not insist that she accept it as the only possible outcome.  I was honest with her when she asked questions.  We never talked in terms of her being terminal (negative), but in terms of treatment giving her more time (positive).  Both were true, but the positive gave her the opportunity to better enjoy the days she had.

It sounds to me as if your experiences with cancer have made you very "matter of fact" and you feel your husband must see his prognosis through your eyes.  You need to understand that each of us must find our own way to deal with the situation.  You say your husband is not in denial.  Accept that.  If he choses to not dwell on the negative, and remain as positive as possible, let him.  What does it hurt? 

Counseling sounds like a good idea, for you.  It may help you come to terms with his attitude.  You need to find a way to be supportive of his emotional needs, even when that is different from your own sense of what is to come.

All of us are going to die.  Some will go suddenly from an accident or undiagnosed illness.  For those of us with a cancer diagnosis, we just know ahead of time what may be the cause of our passing.  That does not mean that we must dwell on it daily or let it impact how we live our last days, however many that may be.

Now is the time to support your husband in his desire to have positive days.

Wishing you both the best,

Marie who loves kitties

Dotty2121 said:

Thanks

i think I wrote this post with nice words, but little clarity. I appreciate your comments. The last thing I want is to add to my husband's suffering. 

Sometimes, suffering can be so internal that we have trouble discerning it from a simple lackadaisical attitude.

You’re suffering, how can you not be? And I’m certain your spouse is suffering as well. It’s worse than watching a train wreck in slow motion since you are: A. In the train, and B: You can’t judge the speed you’re traveling at.

We all feel the pain, make no mistake about it. Those of us here, and all those that ever were here, all understand.

And I think I can speak for all of us when I type the words:

I am so, so sorry you are here.

(I wish I had a magic wand)

My very sincere best wishes for you and yours.

John

vtspa6 said:

My husband does not feel like

My husband does not feel like he has cancer even tho the rectal cancer is stage 4 with mets to lungs.  Before chemo, his only complaint was he could not have a bowel movement.  Thats it!  Actually it is the chemo that has him down, not the cancer itself.  He can breathe fine even with 30 spots in his lungs and the colostomy bag took care of the bowel movement problem.  He tells everyone that he feels fine and he doesn't believe anything is in his lungs.  In fact, he has mentioned he would consider stopping chemo (very scary thought!)  That being said, maybe this is how your husband is feeling.  Yes, there are times when I want to shake him into reality that stage 4 isn't a cold symptom, but I try to look at it in his shoes.  For me, I think I am more scared of the future than right now.  I know that something bad will happen but I don't know when and to what degree. 

This reminds me of the line in the Simon & Garfunkel song 'Sounds of Silence' - Silence like a Cancer grows.  They call Cancer the siltent killer for a reason. 

Just before the CT scan that picked up my liver met, I felt absolutely fantastic. I even said in my video blog that I was feeling pretty sure my scan would be clear, and there it was, a 2 cm tumour growing quite fast. 

I would hate to be the caregiver, as I don't doubt that it is one of the hardest things a person will ever do. As the patient, all I can say is try to be as patient as possible, we're all dealing with it in our own ways. 

Sue - Trubrit

 I’m so sorry you are going though this. My father died of lung cancer  when I was 15.  Years later I was caregiver for my mother in the finals stages of her metastatic breast cancer.  Now I am being treated for stage 4 rectal cancer with mets to the liver.  So I, too have experienced both sides of the situation.

 There are so many emotions, some of which you mentioned:  anger, sadness, anxiety, frustration, helplessness, etc.  But one that you didn’t mention was hope. And perhaps that’s what your husband is trying to nurture by closing out any negativity.  We can  be very realistic about our conditions and about our odds of survival, but  somewhere in the back of our minds, we can also  harbor  the tiniest glimmer of  hope that maybe we’ll beat the odds or at least beat the statistics.  That we’ll be one of those, like some here, who  live  several years beyond what was expected based on  our condition and the statistics. Maybe it’s false hope (although I’m not sure there is such a thing),  maybe it’s an inability to face the truth for some, but maybe it’s a coping mechanism for some of us, too. Maybe it’s that hope that allows us to subject our bodies to treatments that  we know might cause us to suffer awful, debilitating side effects, in the hope that we’ll gain a little more time to spend with our loved ones, a little more time to tie up loose ends. It may be that this is not the case with your husband, and something else is at work. You say, “He is not in denial about his illness or his odds,” so is it safe to assume that you have discussed his diagnosis, treatment, prognosis, etc. in a pragmatic way at some point?  

I know this must be so very hard for you and I do hope you can find a way to deal with both your emotional needs and his in the time you have left together, that you can find a way so that both of you can spend that time supporting each other and savoring life as much as possible for as long as possible rather than spending a large portion of that precious time thinking about dying.