Back to one day, hour, minute....

Hi everyone,

For the last few months I have been making real headway in dealing with my cancer related PTSD and triggers. As I have mentioned before, while in Costa Rica recently,  for a month I managed to let it all go and some days never even thought about it. Since coming back I have been working diligently to keep my Pura Vida and positive focus, with pretty good results most of the time. Then Friday I got a call from my oncologists office to make appointments for my CEA tumor marker test and follow up office visit in January. 
Yeah. So that set me back a bit. Honestly quite a bit. It seems the fear was still pretty close to the surface after all. I was not as far passed it as I thought.
As you all know, as time passes, you have your port removed, your hair grows, you begin to plan things a week or even a month or two out. You begin to live a life without cancer treatment for awhile and you begin to hope. Then a call comes and you are reminded how easily it could all be taken away. A simple blood test can change it all. I have no reason to believe cancer has returned, but It is still too fresh to feel confident it hasn't. Especially after having had a reccurrence. 
It has been 2 years since they found my recurrence, 22 months since my 2nd surgery and 16 months since completing the last chemo infusion. Although I have been 'surviving' for 4 years now. In terms of cancer recovery, due to my recurrence I am still considered to be in the early stages. I am a long way from the golden 5 year post treatment mark for cancer recovery. 
I guess now my focus needs to be trying to stay positive and not let the fear strangle the joy of life out of me until the test and dr appointment. The upcoming trips to Las Vegas the week before Thanksgiving and England to spend Christmas with my daughter and her husband will really help. But I feel like I am back to one day, hour, minute and second at a time. 

MAlice