Struggling alone

I know it's not exactly the forum everyone wishes to join, but now that you are here, I think you will gain the support that you need. I know it's not the same as physical support from people around you, but it's better than nothing. 

After three years into this Cancer thing, I have learned to be pretty open with folks, especially if I feel they are uncomfortable being around me. Sometimes it work sometimes not. 

I am sorry to hear that your sister didn't respond. 

Sue - Trubrit

Sharronoffaith said:

Thank you so much!

thank you Cynthia for such a fantastic list of ideas/support!  I will absolutely print this.  Cancer is hard enough, and yes the stage II is hopefully going to stay that way, as it is an early detection.  I guess I just feel like people were my friends, but they just never really cared about me that much at all. Some of the responses from a couple people very close to me were absurd. One friend expected me to take her to lunch the day of my diagnosis, because I had offered to treat for lunch. Then I find out I have cancer--and she grumbles about the lunch.  Ok, so I'm not the best friend chooser...lol

thanks for the support. I will definitely be here often.  I think the cancer shock wore off, and then the "hey, why aren't my friends calling" shock set in.  The people closest to me are in other parts of the state, but maybe that is good in a way as I can imagine that if they were here they would be baking me a pie...

 

oh, here is my little phrase

"Cancer is not a death sentence; it comes with a semicolon."

 

 

I like your little saying!

What I've found is that any time you have such a major life situation you find out who your friends are. And often it's not who you think. But at the same time people who you think are just acquaintances will surprise you with their generosity of spirit. Cancer is an awkward thing to deal with emotionally. And some people don't want to be around you if they don't know what to say or do. It's easier just to avoid you. Plus some people seem to feel almost like it's contageous.

I've been very lucky with my close friends and family and I remember often being so thankful for them and wondering how I'd do it without them. On the other hand, I used to own my own business and one of my employees decided me being sick was a great opportunity to make me sell her the business and was stunningly horrible when I told her I wasn't ready to. I did eventually have to give it up but she was pressuring me within a week of my diagnosis.

I'd suggest finding a support group and seeing if there's some sort of emotional support opportunities at your cancer care centre. Maybe your friends will get themselves sorted out and try to behave better. Shame on them.

Jan

I was exactly in the same situation 2.5 years ago. I am a 50 year old male, diagnosed with stage 2-3 rectal cancer in May of 2013, radiation chemo, surgery with colostomy in October of 2014, more chemo. I was freshly married full of plans. Needless to say I was devastated. My teenage daughter was giving me trouble and when I talked with her I put in words the best way I felt. Support me or get out of my life. Even living alongside me is not enough. I did everything for everybody, now I needed help. I weeded out the ones that didn't give me support First time in my life. 

Cancer took away a lot from me: I have a 15" scar on my stomach, no butt whole and a colostomy that is a constant frustration. But I tell you what. I am back. I'm working and doing really well. This January was the time when I wasnt afraid to make plans again. Unfortunately my marriage suffered too. I'm still very angry that I ended up like this. But the way I see my life after 2 years is not any worse than before. I'm optimistic again and very active. 

You are going through a lot now. Come back here regularly, ask question all the time. This site literary saved my life in so many ways. 

You are not alone and you don't have to do this alone. We will be there for you all the way and soon all this will be just another bad memory hopefully. 

Where are you located in case you need advise on finding a good surgeon. 

All the best,

Laz 

Im sorry - it is disappointing.  I've always lived by not expecting things of people to keep from being disappointed.   Since my husband's diagnosis 3 years ago, I've been surprised that my closest friends at the time are gone from my life and other people that I was not as close with have been there for us.  It's bizarre, but I guess not unusual.  

Try to reach out to one person and explain how you could use help and you may be surprised.  People sometimes feel uncomfortable and like they are intruding if they try to help.   Even the colostomy question....while intrusive, perhaps that person had some personal knowledge about ostomies and was trying to help.  You never know what's going on in peoples heads.

It's difficult to ask for help, but I think taking that first step may be what you need to do. 

jen2012 said:

Im sorry - it is

Im sorry - it is disappointing.  I've always lived by not expecting things of people to keep from being disappointed.   Since my husband's diagnosis 3 years ago, I've been surprised that my closest friends at the time are gone from my life and other people that I was not as close with have been there for us.  It's bizarre, but I guess not unusual.  

Try to reach out to one person and explain how you could use help and you may be surprised.  People sometimes feel uncomfortable and like they are intruding if they try to help.   Even the colostomy question....while intrusive, perhaps that person had some personal knowledge about ostomies and was trying to help.  You never know what's going on in peoples heads.

 

It's difficult to ask for help, but I think taking that first step may be what you need to do. 

  We are constantly learning and evolving. 

About a month ago, I gave a presentation at our church ladies monthly meeting. During that presentation I told them how disappointed I was and how abandoned I felt after my DX. I appreciated the meals, but they were basically dropped off at the door. I only remember a couple of people stopping to talk. I desperately needed someone to natter with.

 Many of the sisters were shocked. it made them think. Some of them admitted that they were scared of saying the wrong things. They were scared. Cancer scares people. Terminal illness scares people, not just Cancers. 

I appreciated that meeting as much as the other women. It made me see things from their perspective.  We all learned and grew and that is what life is all about. 

We have to utry to understand others as they learn to understand our situation. 

Just musing. 

Sur - Trubrit

I am so sorry you have had to join the cancer club, but you will find the people here are supportive and there for you. Having people who are going through what you are helps us all feel less isolated or alone. So welcome.

I totally understand your feelings. When I was first diagnosed one of the most heartbreaking results of cancer for me was losing people from my life I thought were some of my best friends. I think I am a lot like you seem to be. I am a caretaker. I am always there to help people. I think that makes it worse when the people we have “cared” for can’t or won’t reciprocate.

It is interesting how people respond when you tell them you have cancer. In my case, I was a manager for a government agency and had a very large portfolio. I knew I could not get through a major surgery and months and months of chemo without support. This meant I had to tell my coworkers and superiors about my condition. Amazingly enough, some of these people were no more than work relations and yet they came forward and gave me unfailing support. Of course I continued to do my best, more on some days and less on others, but they were there when I needed it and it meant the world to me. I retired a year after my first treatment ended.  Unfortunately I had a recurrence a few months after my retirement, but even though I was no longer working word got out and some of those same people were there for me once again and still are my “people”.

Then there were the personal friends. Some I wasn't as close to, more like acquaintances, jumped in and were there for me every step of the way. A person I considered my best friend, was not there for me during treatment either time unless I pushed. I understand she couldn’t deal with it, that it was “icky” but that relationship will never be the same. One friend, who was diagnosed with ALS while I was in treatment the first time still found time for me even while dealing with her own devastating diagnosis. I am there for her as well. Our friendship has deepened.

People ask and say the seemingly stupidest things. Some can be hurtful and some just make you realize how clueless they are. Many times people may be asking because they want to know so they can understand. They may really want to know what you are going through and don’t know the right thing to say. I think we can all figure out who the people with good intentions are and forgive them for their rough edges a bit.

It is the other people I have no patience with. I find the cancer death stories the most difficult. In my case with a lot of people as soon as they discovered I had cancer they started telling me about every person they knew who died from it, in detail. Then the seemingly clueless comments about my hair. “Oh cheer up it will grow back” seemed a bit cold and heartless to me. Of course it will but that doesn’t mean it makes it any less devastating when it comes out. Oh and how about the “can you still have a bowel movement” comment after hearing about colon surgery. I honestly think there needs to be a cancer etiquette class for people.

I tell you all of this because truth is, when you are surviving cancer you want and need to focus on the positives in your life. You just don't have the energy or the desire for drama and chaos. You start to understand that life can be short and the time you have is a blessing and shouldn’t be impacted by people who can’t be in your life through the good and the not so good. People who for whatever reason choose not to be there for you are fair weather friends and honestly you don't need them in your life. Cancer surviving is a lifetime endeavor. In my opinion it is better to have one or two really wonderful friends than a dozen fair weather ones. Cancer can make you feel like you have no control in your life. You have the power to choose who you share your life with. You get to make sure they are the ones who will enhance it bring you joy.

Good luck as you continue your journey.

Blessings

MAlice

find virtual friends and support here. Seems like your cancer is showing you the true nature of your family and friends, sorry they didn't step up. Many times a family has nothing to do with bloodline. I wish you well in your journey and welcome to our group. It's a scary thing and you shouldn't be alone. Congratulations on Stage 2 though, you have an excellent chance of a long life. Possibly this can be a fresh start in creating an amazing "Act 2." Good luck with treatment!

Easyflip/Richard

katie33745 said:

Hello,
I am new at this, just

Hello,

I am new at this, just received the cancer diagnosis 3 days ago.  I would love to hear from people who have been diagnosed with anal cancer.  Are there other sites I could check out for information and support?

 

Thanks,

 

Katie

 

the difference between anal and rectal cancer is that anal cancer comes from the skin around the anus and it's usually squamous cell carcinoma. Rectal and colon cancer comes from the inner linening of the intestine and it is usually adenocarcinoma. Both treatments start with possible radiation and chemo and anal cancer usually doesn't require surgey. 

There is an anal cancer group here and folks there are very knowledgable and friendly.

Good luck with your treatment.

Laz

Sharronoffaith said:

Thank you!

thanks so much for your reply!  i am trying to put myself in other's shoes in this.  I have lost a couple selfish friends, and only realized that now as I am pretty giving.  I know for sure I don't miss the petty gossip or every ache complainers.  I don't feel at all sorry for me, and it has put my life in perspective.  I do however miss the jovial parts of friendship.  But, thank you for welcoming me here!  The hospital I go to has some nice group stuff, and I am meeting some fantastic people.  I am 53, but feel like a grammar school kid looking for sandbox buddies!  

I say, welcome to the sandbox!  Sorry to hear that you have been dx'ed with cancer.  Since my husband's cancer, I have found this to be a wonderful place to get information, vent, and just to tell your story.