Family's reaction

Lou Ann M said:

you are certainly on a rough

you are certainly on a rough road, and my heart goes out to you.  i will say that teenagers, especially girls can have quite the attitude,  I know I was awful to my poor mother who was raising 3 kids by herself,  I wish I had told her how sorry I was.  My oldest daughter was just a bear and she has said often lately how sorry she was for how she acted ( she had teenagers at the time)

We got the other side of when to tell your family last night when our youmgest daughter called to tell us that her husband had been diagnosed with luekemia and she can't get him to tell his 3 grown children.  She told im if he didn't tell them soon she was going to post on facebook to the 3 of them "Your dad has Luekemia and what do you want for Christmas?"

Hugs and prayers , Lou Ann

Lou Ann, sorry to hear about your son-in-law.  I pray that he gets through his treatments and comes out strong.

LA, many teenage girls seem to forget how to be human. I'm sorry she treated you that way. And, I have a feeling that perhaps her Dad has had some influence on her thought processes? The sad thing is that she will look back on this later and feel unbelievably bad. I didn't have kids of my own, but I raised one of my nieces. And, she was a handful. I actually kicked her out at age 17.  She is now 42 and we both survived her behavior.  I hope you have a circle of support surrounding you. And, please know you can always come back here to your warrior that thriver friends.

Love and hugs,

Cindi

molimoli said:

A wonderful testiment, thanks for the subject Eldri

A testiment /confirmation that people sees the same things and situations out of different eyes, forms points of view and makes decisions accordingly. I am probably the only one on this board that has not told anyone except my girlfriend (also dealing with cancer,breast)and her son about my cancer journey. He had to be told because his mother doesn't drive so he had to take her to the hospital when I had my surgery in April ( or May) of 2014 .We talk about  cancer when necessary but we both get on with living.She is a dedicated church going homebody, I am not very religious at all but believe in a Creator,for what I think prayer is worth I can do it at home or wherever I am.She thinks that God don't like me not telling the children or other close relatives whom I interact with everyday in some way,I respect her version of God as she percieves him to be, however,I cannot accept that with all that is happening in the world that God is going to make my none disclosure his business.I tell her if that is the case then I respectfully accuse him of not prioritizing things on his todo list.She drops the subject immediately, ( probably fearing lightening strike meant for me getting her too) it works everytime. so now she has given up on convincing me to tell , I go on loving and appreciating her as my best friend and secret keeper,She goes on loving me as her best friend and rock.We've agreed to disagree and the subject is laid to rest.

I have said all of that to say this: I appreciate all your feed back on the subject,however I will not arrest my children's lives with this cancer that they can do nothing about, They are not doctors or even councillors.They will probably be held hostage to cancer for years before my body can't take anymore then I will pass and new intensified pain will emerge for them.I will do Cancer and its trappings my way,  My family will be told on a need to know basis, and there is no need now, I already feel loved ,I am not wanting to solicit pity at my children's expense,( not suggesting anyone is.) I am now still physically fit ,up and about doing too much, able to do what I want to do whenever and so are my children ,we have finally risen from the dust thanks to my cancer diagnosis ,I have been put on notice that life is for living and may be closer to the end than not. I am grateful for the possible eviction notice so that I can love harder ,live faster, laugh louder. I spent 4years without a minute of laughter, my kids and I found our way back to life and I am to punctuate it with a cancer diagnosis that thankfully gives me time to catch up? A resounding no.

Re: lies , If you don't tell something it's a non-disclosure. not a brimstone and fire lie. If you are asked and you deny or tell it with a twist then it's a' mind your own business' kind of white  lie, no brimstone yet though,  If you fabricate some story to harm someone ,thats the brimstone and fire kind of thing, I got it down 'pat' guys leave me alone ( don't really  do that or I shall really die, I want all of you ,notice I didn't say need, ,I dread pity, lol.)with this come pity me crap, I know my family they will thank me, I know when to involve them. In any case a car could knock my behind down and kill me any day,wouldn't they be late for a pity party? They would cope, unfortunately they are practiced.

Incidentally many of the ladies whom I have met at the cancer center have told their children and regrets it for many different reasons.I  have nursed patients who should not have told their children anything even at the moment of death. I have seen it all .

On this subject, chemotherapy and radiation  you guys already know where I stand.I have posted in details with valid reasons.Love you all ,Plenty hugs. Moli.

Moli, would you want to know if any of your children had cancer?

Sue

LA123 said:

to share or not to share

My husband and I had had a conversation last year where we agreed that if one of us was ever given a life changing diagnosis, we would never hold it back from each other. When I learned over the phone (yes, over the phone) about my biopsy results and UPSC cancer diagnosis, I remembered that conversation, and he was the first one to learn. We cried together, and it hurt me so much to see him sad, but I am glad I did it.  He has been a HUGE support. To my younger kids, I broke it gently, bit by bit, they seemed to take their cues from me, and since I pretty much kept a strong front, they were not too scared for me. My eldest daughter (living in Los Angeles, studying to be a chef) was a different story. I could not get myself to tell her, I know how fragile she is, has had a pretty rough last few years after ending a bad relationship, and absolutely needs her mom so much, we are best friends (not so much when she was a teenager, so there is hope Lily Anne! :0)  But I could not gather the strenght to tell her. I only, finally, made that dreaded call the night before my hysterectomy, I realized that, as with any operation, there was a risk of death, and she would not forgive me if she only found out that way. It was the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life, she cried, I cried, we prayed together, and I asked her to be strong for me. I asked myself later, why was it that hard, to share the bad news with my eldest daughter? I think, when we are dealing with such a dreadful disease, it takes a lot of strength to keep going, emotionally we are at a fragile place too, and I did not have the strength to be strong for me and be strong for her. I knew when she found out, she would be in such distress, I would not only have to chanel my energy into keeping my faith, I would have to spend tons of emotional energy into reassuring her.  I am glad I told her, we faced this together as a family, she grew in her own faith, we grew even closer as mother and daughter, I modeled for her how to fight like a girl :0) I hope she never ever has to go through what I went through, but if she ever finds herself on the receiving end of those dreadful words, "you have cancer", I know she will be stronger as a result of sharing in her mother's journey . My experience with this cancer proved, thankfully, to this point, short lived, though there is always that dreaded "C" word floating in my subconcious, in my dreams, in everything I see and feel in my body. I dont think I will ever walk away from it, just learn to live fully in spite of those fears, depend on God, be gentler to myself, to my loved ones, to strangers, be thankful for the little things in life and for each day. Best wishes for health and happiness to all in this  war, I believe it is won each day we choose to not give in to fear.   

La125, what a wonderful post! Thank you so much for sharing. Too often, in our efforts to protect our loved ones we end up causing them more pain down the road. Many times our first instinct is to protect our children by hiding the truth. Sharing with our families at the beginning of our journey is painful, but gives them time to adjust to the new world you and they are entering and to express their fears and love. Our children can give us so much support, love and encouragement, which helps us fight on but also helps them to find solace in knowing that they were here and fighting along side of us. Whether or not we are successful in this battle, our families will know that they were there for us and held us in their love. Finding out only when you are unable to hide your condition or at death's door will be much more devastating. Several of us have expressed feelings of anger and mistrust after having similar information hidden from them as children. Each of us must decide for ourselves when and what to disclose, but we do need to consider how our decisions will effect our love ones in the years ahead. Sandy

Lily_Anne said:

A very interesting post, it

A very interesting post, it sounds as if you are such a lovely person. Families are such hard work sometimes.  When I was diagnosed in 2012 I told my son then almost 27 and my daughter almost 13, they were really shocked, I took them both out to dinner and we talked about what was next, this was before I had my hysterectomy.  However since then my relationship with my daughter has changed. After three years clear, I have had to tell them that it's back.  My son has since moved nearer to me, with my two young granddaughters, but took an overdose in July and is quite depressed, he is however taking this quite well.  My daughter, who lives with her Father my second husband, has completely removed herself from the situation. I would like to think this is her way of coping, but struggling with the fact that she is being a teenage alien.

I tried to explain what was happening and she told me to get over myself. I've been told that she is fed up with everything being about me and my cancer, and she doesn't want to see me before my operation as it will interfere with her social life.  To be honest she has been unbelievably rude, supported by my ex. She will be 17 tomorrow.  My other son passed away at 18, unexpectedly, from a chest infection, so there has been a lot of bad news, as my parents passed away not long after. I despair right now. 

I guess as a parent I want to share what is happening so they are prepared for the journey ahead, however long that may be, especially as they have seen this before with me. If it were my Mum  would want to know. Telling people is the hardest thing.

LA

so very sorry to read your post and feel your pain, Your poor daughter is confused by her youth and the tutoring she is getting from the adults around her. Let her know your heart is open and you will wait,then put her on a to fix list, don't push too hard when all she wants is distance but find ways to let her know you have open arms to hug and ears willing to listen.   Cancer is a hard subject for young people ,as a matter of fact for most people.Even though it seem to you that she has given up on you it is clear from your voiced despair that you haven't given up on her,her stance is temporary and will change as maturity kicks in, stay hopeful.

Sorry about your son, I hope  he can be encouraged into a supportive mental health program if he hasn't yet found one.Depression is hard,

Is he taking it well or locking it away ? Try to get him to open up on his feelings and you the same. every one wants to be heard when pain is churning up the inside.Please remember the little girls are soaking in all of this sorrow so arrange for frequent time out form sorrow for all of you, anyway you see fit,  just do life one day at a time.

Re:''Journey ahead''  With young people be careful how long the Journey is less they lose interest in the destination. It happens all the time with young and old,it's the  "are we there yet " syndrome.

This disease leaves women looking perfectly healthy and functional for the most part,  therefore,( non visible) suffering women are seen as drama queens when death is nowhere in sight,as ' promised'  due in part to initial prognosis. I have seen families devastated when family members drop out of the  'wait ' wanting instead to take their lives back from the far reaching arms of cancer which robs the host and family members alike of life itself while still alive.Some families don't survive it.

Re  your deceased son , I dont have to imagine your pain my dear Lily -A  I lived it.It is pain that can't be spoken of ,there are no descriptive words to use, none whatsoever. Sorry about it all, your parents,your broken body and most of all your broken spirit, hope it mends soon and you get some peace of mind.

We are here to listen and brace you up againt this  whirl wind although with our own broken bodies.

 Renewed strength is what I wish for you today my sister . I will pm you tonight.  

Sandy3185 said:

your journey

Eldri, this is a hard journey for you and for your family. There has been a lot of discussion lately about when to let your family know what is going on( see Molimoli threads from this past summer). I feel that your family needs to know. They will feel worse later on if they realize that you have withheld this knowledge from them. Life is full of both joy and pain and we need to share both with the people we love. 

I did tell all three of my daughters when I was diagnosed, although I only told them I had endometrial cancer at first. I did not want them rushing to the internet and seeing some of the old ( and awful!) statistics before they had come to terms with the fact that I had cancer. When I had my surgery they were there and the doctor was able to explain to them what he had done and exactly what type of cancer I had. He is very upbeat and they took their cue from him and have remained so.

I think this was very hard for them and even more so for my husband. He has always been my rock and felt so helpless in the face of something he could not do anything about. Liek your husband, he was overprotective and to this day worries more about my health than his own. My oldest daughter is married with two children and was going through some financial issues. My middle daughter has one daughter and was in the midst of a career change. My youngest daughter was pregnant with their first child and I was really hesitant about telling her. In short none of them were in a great place to hear about this but they all were able to be there for me and I for them. Looking back, I see where my illness motivated each of them to make changes for the better in their lives. My oldest and her husband made huge steps toward reversing their situation, my middle daughter took steps to advance her new career and even moved from our old home town to begin a new life here in central Florida. The youngest and her husband are thriving and she is now expecting her second child next month while her first daughter has everyone in the family under her thumb! Life moves on and we learn to handle what is put on our plate. We all have a greater respect for the time we have here on earth and have learned to embrace life and not to just let it just pass by.

None of us wants to bring pain and worry into our loved one's lives but, if we put ourselves in their place, we would not want to be excluded either. Imagine finding out that your daughter or son has been gravely ill and didn't tell you to protect you. How would you feel? Your children are all adults and deserve to be treated as such. I know this is a very personal situation and each of us needs to come to our own decision, but I do believe openness and honesty is, in the end, better for everyone.  Sandy

PS Let your husband know that you gain strength from having your son and his friends around. Yes, when you start chemo you are more vunerable but I know that just taking minor precautions I never got sick from outside influences ( colds etc) during chemo. The chemo made me sick, not anyone elses germs!

I could not of said it any better.  When I found out the first person I called was my sisiter and told her.  I held off telling my daughter till we got home that night and she put her son to bed.  I had lied to her earlier in the day and said everything was ok.  When I told her the truth that night she was very p issed off at me.  Oh well, what else was new.  I told her that I did not tell her at work, we work in the same building for the same company, because I did not want her to get upset at work and start crying all over the place.  It was on a Friday, I had an appointment with a Gyn Onc dr on Monday, they both went with me to the appointment.  Yes I had gone on line and looked up MMMT cancer and what I read was way upseting with only a 50% chance of survival....but I am not one to look at the bad side of things.  I pulled myslef up and told myself to put my big girl panties on and deal with this head on and I never looked back.  I sent message out to all my co-workers to let them know what was going on and to send up their good thoughts to the greater power they belived in and prayers to God to help me and my family through this journey.  They did and we all survivied.  My daughter was my caretaker in the hospital for the week I was there and stayed home a week from work once I went home.  She went to all Chemo treatments.  My sister and daughter both still go to all my dr appointments 4 years later.  My best friend came to the hospital for surgery, stayed a night with me and went to a couple of chemo treatments. She has stated many times if she ever gets a female cancner she is going to my dr because she likes her.

I too worried about getting sick from germs but I never did.  I went out in public and worked during the chemo so I just had a good system or did not catch any germs form anyone.  It is an individual decision to tell your family and friends but they can be there for you.  Best of luck to you and your family in this journey.  Take care...trish