Family's reaction

I think you need to tell all your family - including your youngest daughter - the truth. I tried to hide some of the details from our son and eventually it all came out and he was very upset that I hadn't told him everything.

You will need their support and understanding in the days ahead. If you don't want them to worry - tell them the truth and let them bear your burden. Your hubby is doing what he thinks is best for you - and God bless him for that - but maybe you can meet in the middle and ask for no visitors if you get weakened and need that level of protection.

Put yourself first for a while so you can concentrate on kicking this disease - you won't have the energy to keep your story straight if you start hiding or lying to protect those you love.

Just my humble opinion.  in peace and caring,

Jan

Eldri, I am sure your husband doing all the cleaning and such can be frustrating for you, but I really do believe he wants to do SOMETHING!  He clearly adores you and must be terrified himself.  I live alone and would have loved to have had someone who could have done that for me.  Having had a child with cancer, it had to be hard for you to see your daughter suffer in her treatment?  She really knows what it is all about and this is a very different journey for her. 

At some point I would suggest telling your daughter and sister you need their help, and crying or giving you survival statistics is not the help you need.  I can't remember who it was I was talking with back when I got sick.  I am very much a 'do for myself' type of person.  I knew I would need help and, at a time I could do nothing, was told I could give the gift of letting others do for me.  That is very hard to do and even harder to receive.   

Each of us is very much a STATISTIC OF ONE.  What works for some won't work for others.  People have other health issues that make us each unique.  

I will never forget the look on my mother's face when I told her.  She was terrified.  I was scared, and though I didn't know what to expect, I knew I could do it. It was the unknown for my entire family  

I thought I knew who I was before my cancer, but I can honestly say I learned a lot about myself on this journey.    

My husband knew from the beginning and has been by my side the whole time.  He is a worrier and also goes overboard at times.  I wish he would let me do more for myself at times, but he does take good care of me.

We have 4 children between 46-33 scattered across the country.  We did wait to tell them until we had all the details.  Those were the hardest phonecalls I have ever had to make.  They all took the news well and have been a great sorce of encouragement and support.  My yougest daughter was upset that I had told people at work before them.  I was teaching school at the time and got this diagnosis 2 weeks before school was to start.  I needed to fill them in on what was going on.

brothers and sisters were also hard calls, and we put off telling my mother-in -law, she was 92 at the time and we weren't sure she co understand.  A busy body told her.  

As hard as it is, tell your family as soon as you can.  They can be such support and you will need it.  Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

Sandy3185 said:

your journey

Eldri, this is a hard journey for you and for your family. There has been a lot of discussion lately about when to let your family know what is going on( see Molimoli threads from this past summer). I feel that your family needs to know. They will feel worse later on if they realize that you have withheld this knowledge from them. Life is full of both joy and pain and we need to share both with the people we love. 

I did tell all three of my daughters when I was diagnosed, although I only told them I had endometrial cancer at first. I did not want them rushing to the internet and seeing some of the old ( and awful!) statistics before they had come to terms with the fact that I had cancer. When I had my surgery they were there and the doctor was able to explain to them what he had done and exactly what type of cancer I had. He is very upbeat and they took their cue from him and have remained so.

I think this was very hard for them and even more so for my husband. He has always been my rock and felt so helpless in the face of something he could not do anything about. Liek your husband, he was overprotective and to this day worries more about my health than his own. My oldest daughter is married with two children and was going through some financial issues. My middle daughter has one daughter and was in the midst of a career change. My youngest daughter was pregnant with their first child and I was really hesitant about telling her. In short none of them were in a great place to hear about this but they all were able to be there for me and I for them. Looking back, I see where my illness motivated each of them to make changes for the better in their lives. My oldest and her husband made huge steps toward reversing their situation, my middle daughter took steps to advance her new career and even moved from our old home town to begin a new life here in central Florida. The youngest and her husband are thriving and she is now expecting her second child next month while her first daughter has everyone in the family under her thumb! Life moves on and we learn to handle what is put on our plate. We all have a greater respect for the time we have here on earth and have learned to embrace life and not to just let it just pass by.

None of us wants to bring pain and worry into our loved one's lives but, if we put ourselves in their place, we would not want to be excluded either. Imagine finding out that your daughter or son has been gravely ill and didn't tell you to protect you. How would you feel? Your children are all adults and deserve to be treated as such. I know this is a very personal situation and each of us needs to come to our own decision, but I do believe openness and honesty is, in the end, better for everyone.  Sandy

PS Let your husband know that you gain strength from having your son and his friends around. Yes, when you start chemo you are more vunerable but I know that just taking minor precautions I never got sick from outside influences ( colds etc) during chemo. The chemo made me sick, not anyone elses germs!

I knew if I waited, one of you would say it better than I could and Sandy surely did.  I agree with everything she said.  My mother kept health issues from me and I was devastated when I found out.  I felt like I was unneeded t and not really a member of my family anymore ( I lived quite a distance away).  It has been years ago and it hurts me to this day and I have lost a lot of trust.  

My husband, daughter, brother and friends have been rocks for me.  I'm a tough cookie and could have dealt on my own but isn't it wonderful I didn't have to.

Sandy3185 said:

your journey

Eldri, this is a hard journey for you and for your family. There has been a lot of discussion lately about when to let your family know what is going on( see Molimoli threads from this past summer). I feel that your family needs to know. They will feel worse later on if they realize that you have withheld this knowledge from them. Life is full of both joy and pain and we need to share both with the people we love. 

I did tell all three of my daughters when I was diagnosed, although I only told them I had endometrial cancer at first. I did not want them rushing to the internet and seeing some of the old ( and awful!) statistics before they had come to terms with the fact that I had cancer. When I had my surgery they were there and the doctor was able to explain to them what he had done and exactly what type of cancer I had. He is very upbeat and they took their cue from him and have remained so.

I think this was very hard for them and even more so for my husband. He has always been my rock and felt so helpless in the face of something he could not do anything about. Liek your husband, he was overprotective and to this day worries more about my health than his own. My oldest daughter is married with two children and was going through some financial issues. My middle daughter has one daughter and was in the midst of a career change. My youngest daughter was pregnant with their first child and I was really hesitant about telling her. In short none of them were in a great place to hear about this but they all were able to be there for me and I for them. Looking back, I see where my illness motivated each of them to make changes for the better in their lives. My oldest and her husband made huge steps toward reversing their situation, my middle daughter took steps to advance her new career and even moved from our old home town to begin a new life here in central Florida. The youngest and her husband are thriving and she is now expecting her second child next month while her first daughter has everyone in the family under her thumb! Life moves on and we learn to handle what is put on our plate. We all have a greater respect for the time we have here on earth and have learned to embrace life and not to just let it just pass by.

None of us wants to bring pain and worry into our loved one's lives but, if we put ourselves in their place, we would not want to be excluded either. Imagine finding out that your daughter or son has been gravely ill and didn't tell you to protect you. How would you feel? Your children are all adults and deserve to be treated as such. I know this is a very personal situation and each of us needs to come to our own decision, but I do believe openness and honesty is, in the end, better for everyone.  Sandy

PS Let your husband know that you gain strength from having your son and his friends around. Yes, when you start chemo you are more vunerable but I know that just taking minor precautions I never got sick from outside influences ( colds etc) during chemo. The chemo made me sick, not anyone elses germs!

Wow! Beautifully said, Sandy.  Thank you

molimoli said:

A wonderful testiment, thanks for the subject Eldri

A testiment /confirmation that people sees the same things and situations out of different eyes, forms points of view and makes decisions accordingly. I am probably the only one on this board that has not told anyone except my girlfriend (also dealing with cancer,breast)and her son about my cancer journey. He had to be told because his mother doesn't drive so he had to take her to the hospital when I had my surgery in April ( or May) of 2014 .We talk about  cancer when necessary but we both get on with living.She is a dedicated church going homebody, I am not very religious at all but believe in a Creator,for what I think prayer is worth I can do it at home or wherever I am.She thinks that God don't like me not telling the children or other close relatives whom I interact with everyday in some way,I respect her version of God as she percieves him to be, however,I cannot accept that with all that is happening in the world that God is going to make my none disclosure his business.I tell her if that is the case then I respectfully accuse him of not prioritizing things on his todo list.She drops the subject immediately, ( probably fearing lightening strike meant for me getting her too) it works everytime. so now she has given up on convincing me to tell , I go on loving and appreciating her as my best friend and secret keeper,She goes on loving me as her best friend and rock.We've agreed to disagree and the subject is laid to rest.

I have said all of that to say this: I appreciate all your feed back on the subject,however I will not arrest my children's lives with this cancer that they can do nothing about, They are not doctors or even councillors.They will probably be held hostage to cancer for years before my body can't take anymore then I will pass and new intensified pain will emerge for them.I will do Cancer and its trappings my way,  My family will be told on a need to know basis, and there is no need now, I already feel loved ,I am not wanting to solicit pity at my children's expense,( not suggesting anyone is.) I am now still physically fit ,up and about doing too much, able to do what I want to do whenever and so are my children ,we have finally risen from the dust thanks to my cancer diagnosis ,I have been put on notice that life is for living and may be closer to the end than not. I am grateful for the possible eviction notice so that I can love harder ,live faster, laugh louder. I spent 4years without a minute of laughter, my kids and I found our way back to life and I am to punctuate it with a cancer diagnosis that thankfully gives me time to catch up? A resounding no.

Re: lies , If you don't tell something it's a non-disclosure. not a brimstone and fire lie. If you are asked and you deny or tell it with a twist then it's a' mind your own business' kind of white  lie, no brimstone yet though,  If you fabricate some story to harm someone ,thats the brimstone and fire kind of thing, I got it down 'pat' guys leave me alone ( don't really  do that or I shall really die, I want all of you ,notice I didn't say need, ,I dread pity, lol.)with this come pity me crap, I know my family they will thank me, I know when to involve them. In any case a car could knock my behind down and kill me any day,wouldn't they be late for a pity party? They would cope, unfortunately they are practiced.

Incidentally many of the ladies whom I have met at the cancer center have told their children and regrets it for many different reasons.I  have nursed patients who should not have told their children anything even at the moment of death. I have seen it all .

On this subject, chemotherapy and radiation  you guys already know where I stand.I have posted in details with valid reasons.Love you all ,Plenty hugs. Moli.

that I had uterine cancer and would be going through surgery and chemotherapy.  It never occurred to me to try to hide this from loved ones or staff at work.  After all, I needed to take time office from work.   I can remember as a young woman how my parents would hide significant events from us, such as my mother's heart attack and subsequent surgery or my father's prostate and urinary bladder cancers.  Quite frankly, I felt both hurt and angry about not being informed. Betrayed, perhaps captures how I felt. I was an adult when my parents had these health issues; not a child with child-like coping skills who needed "protection" from the realities of life.  Cancer, especially an advanced grade three cancer, is a BIG deal and possibly terminal.  I couldn't imagine hiding such a significant experience in my life without my loved ones knowing what was going on. It is not only important to me to receive their support but it is also important to them to give it to me, as loving people often do. 

Now, having said all this, I should add that I both understand and respect a woman's decision not tell loved ones about her cancer.  It is her life, afterall, and she ought to live it as she sees fit. 

Warm Wishes,

Cathy 

A very interesting post, it sounds as if you are such a lovely person. Families are such hard work sometimes.  When I was diagnosed in 2012 I told my son then almost 27 and my daughter almost 13, they were really shocked, I took them both out to dinner and we talked about what was next, this was before I had my hysterectomy.  However since then my relationship with my daughter has changed. After three years clear, I have had to tell them that it's back.  My son has since moved nearer to me, with my two young granddaughters, but took an overdose in July and is quite depressed, he is however taking this quite well.  My daughter, who lives with her Father my second husband, has completely removed herself from the situation. I would like to think this is her way of coping, but struggling with the fact that she is being a teenage alien.

I tried to explain what was happening and she told me to get over myself. I've been told that she is fed up with everything being about me and my cancer, and she doesn't want to see me before my operation as it will interfere with her social life.  To be honest she has been unbelievably rude, supported by my ex. She will be 17 tomorrow.  My other son passed away at 18, unexpectedly, from a chest infection, so there has been a lot of bad news, as my parents passed away not long after. I despair right now. 

I guess as a parent I want to share what is happening so they are prepared for the journey ahead, however long that may be, especially as they have seen this before with me. If it were my Mum  would want to know. Telling people is the hardest thing.

LA

Lily_Anne said:

A very interesting post, it

A very interesting post, it sounds as if you are such a lovely person. Families are such hard work sometimes.  When I was diagnosed in 2012 I told my son then almost 27 and my daughter almost 13, they were really shocked, I took them both out to dinner and we talked about what was next, this was before I had my hysterectomy.  However since then my relationship with my daughter has changed. After three years clear, I have had to tell them that it's back.  My son has since moved nearer to me, with my two young granddaughters, but took an overdose in July and is quite depressed, he is however taking this quite well.  My daughter, who lives with her Father my second husband, has completely removed herself from the situation. I would like to think this is her way of coping, but struggling with the fact that she is being a teenage alien.

I tried to explain what was happening and she told me to get over myself. I've been told that she is fed up with everything being about me and my cancer, and she doesn't want to see me before my operation as it will interfere with her social life.  To be honest she has been unbelievably rude, supported by my ex. She will be 17 tomorrow.  My other son passed away at 18, unexpectedly, from a chest infection, so there has been a lot of bad news, as my parents passed away not long after. I despair right now. 

I guess as a parent I want to share what is happening so they are prepared for the journey ahead, however long that may be, especially as they have seen this before with me. If it were my Mum  would want to know. Telling people is the hardest thing.

LA

you are certainly on a rough road, and my heart goes out to you.  i will say that teenagers, especially girls can have quite the attitude,  I know I was awful to my poor mother who was raising 3 kids by herself,  I wish I had told her how sorry I was.  My oldest daughter was just a bear and she has said often lately how sorry she was for how she acted ( she had teenagers at the time)

We got the other side of when to tell your family last night when our youmgest daughter called to tell us that her husband had been diagnosed with luekemia and she can't get him to tell his 3 grown children.  She told im if he didn't tell them soon she was going to post on facebook to the 3 of them "Your dad has Luekemia and what do you want for Christmas?"

Hugs and prayers , Lou Ann