praying hard for mom

yelena1
yelena1 Member Posts: 2
in Ovarian Cancer #1

Has anyone had this problem? we just found out that my mom had overian cancer she had surgery  they had to take out the spleen,appendix , and she had histotrectomy done. She was like nine months prego they removed a big tumor from her cavity of the stomach. She had so much done the poor thing is so weak the cut will not heal she does not eat they put in a feeding tube  now she is having so many problems in and out of the ER. She had to be re cut again because the stiches came ondone from the inside. She has a bag for 6 months she is fighting but she getts very negative alot and i dont blame her wee the kids are trying to keep it toghether we love her so much and it hurt to see her go through so much pain and cant do anything about it. She is only 65 my poor dad lost so much weight himself because of stress he crys everyday and over reactsa little to much cuz he  is scared. I live in FL she is in MO i use to be next door to her moved 9 months ago and guess what when we ask the Doctir how long has it been growing he says about 9 months mom they were sad cryed alot after i moved i had to do what was best for my family then i felt bad for my parents also. I hurt so bad for her and also she said it was my fault thst she is sick i should never moved. I know its not my mom talking well maybe i dont know but i feel so bad dad said thhe same i should move back and take care of mom. I would if i could but i just cant i have 3 kids and a husband. Im so scared that we are going to lose her she does not want to die she tells us all the time but she is not pushing her self to stay alive she will not walk eat or do anything for her self we have to do it all. We dont mind but she is not at that stage Doctor says she is doing good and needs to walk and move on her own. She starded chemo so i know she is very week nd sick wwe want the best for her she wants us to make her well but we cant she has to do some for her self. I cant do anything some days its like i m on a differnt planet i have to stay strong for my kids but its so darn hard. Im being blamed for the cancer even my funny brother thinks  o. I tell my self its not my fault what could of done to stop the cancer i wish i could of stoped it. MOM is not healing i just dont get it why not she has a feeding tube and the ostomy bag she is in ER tonight they think she may have an ifaction that  they cant catch where it was coming from. IM so scared that could be MRSA she is to fragile to have anything alse wrong with her. Ilove her so much i cant loos her i dont even know what to do. We grow up very different my parents never told us i love you we knew they love us now we try to tell her i love you i want to give her a kiss hug i miss her so much i went stayed with her for 3 weeks that is all i could do had to come back to work. She didnt exept the attencion we would touch her love her hug her tell her we loved her she tells us not to do it she will not hug us back sometimes only. It hurts so bad to but thats how she was brought up so i guess its not her foult i just wish she will let us be closer to her and love her. Im not thinking about her going to sleep forever no way im not ready but if thats what God has planed for her i want to have good memoties with her spend time with her.I know when you are in pain you just dont want anyone to touch you and she takes strong meds to. All i want to know has anyone ever went through what she is dealing with not healing at all? the doctors says chemo is doing her good all tests look good yet she is so sickand week. Im so lost. To see her so week and small it hurts...i just wish i could go to her and just lay in her lap and hold each other. I miss talking to mama i love her i wish she would let me in now to try a little. I wish i could go help her but life sucks this way i got to have my bills payed so i have to work. trying to go see her again soon. Please pray for her thanks...sorry for the long letter i had to tell someone (:

Comments

  • worldsojourner
    worldsojourner Member Posts: 11
    #2
    Praying hard for mom

    Oh, Yelena. It is not your fault your mom got cancer.  All the folks writing on this board have cancer, and nobody gave it to us. Our cells mutated and grew tumors. I have to say I bet her tumor has been growing a lot longer than 9 months for her to be this ill. And she does sound very ill. No matter where you live, you cannot heal her, you cannot save her. So let that burden go. That is God's hands. The doctors can say to her you need to walk, you need to eat, but they are not the ones on her journey-- it might be more than she is capable of doing right now. I worked in hospitals for years, and have seen oncologists try to encourage their patients with "good test results," etc,  even when the evidence that the battle is being lost is right in front of them.  

     I have also seen families with a designated scapegoat that they all turn to blame whenever anything goes wrong. Do not accept that role. You have every right to live your own life, even if your family tries to guilt-trip you into moving back. Your place is with your husband and children. Your mom's journey is her own and no one else's.

     I wish peace for you and your family. I will pray for you.

    Anne

  • Bellavision
    Bellavision Member Posts: 4
    #3
    Mom has cancer - the whole family has disease

    Hello,

    I am 6 years freeof ovarian cancer and now am 59. No kids but a dysfunctional family as well. I was typically the hero and scapegoat in my family. The asked me to both drive the bus and then threw me under the bus, very difficult and confusing.  Where do I start:

    1) You need to feel guilt free and rally friends and neighbors of your parents to visit and help out if possible. Give them articles to read and support group brochures, notify their church if they are ok with that, visiting pastor etc., friends, other women who the doctor might recommend you call who are willing to visit your mom and dad.

    2) Dad needs to man up and be strong for her, but also take care of himself, eat well (Ensure every couple of hours for both of them) protein is needed for physical healing after surgery, etc. Have him reach out to friends to vent or family but not upset your mother. He needs to put on a brave and positive face. There are support groups for familys (even in your area) to address the many similar issues arise when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer.

    3) Take care of you, your health, your rest, prepare an agenda of positiviy when you check in and if it gets too negative or heavy, end the call with a promise to call back. Support groups for caretakers and family members are in your area and try to stay in touch and get a release from your mom (HIPPA) allowing you to connect with the doctor and Mom's situation and progress. My Dad would sound so brave and minimize his health issues with the doctor when I would have to grab the doctor in the hallway and provide my version of the truth of it to better show a more accurate picture i.e. depression, high anxiety, trouble sleeping, confusion, etc. Take notes when you talk to mom and the doctor, especially if Dad is not good at that, encourage him to record plans, steps, calendar of appointments.

    4) Family medical leave act allows you to take a leave from your work up to 6 weeks without loosing your job. Ask your HR about it and it covers, parents, siblings, spouse and children. It's unpaid but if and when you need to be there for a surgery, etc.

    5) Allow them to vent, don't take it personally, know it's the confusion and disease that's talking and all of their fears. I know it's role reversal. Be strong. Don't borrow trouble, but be realistic to the prognosis and day-by-day plan, attitude is huge in the battle and living in the now and possitivity is key.

    When I had cancer and chemo family did not come see me, California to Oregon, not a huge drive or flight for parents who are retired. But they called me every day and I took whatever comfort they offered and tried not to measure it. I'm sure if I suffered much in any of the process they would have come see me. Eventually, they did towards the end of my chem 2 months post-op.

    6) This is hard but set boundaries with your siblings (I was the single sibling so I was live on the scene when the folks were ill and needed help) but we all took turns with the time they could give, so don't take orders but keep them in the loop and let them know what you know and how and when you can help and how you all as a famliy can share the burden and responsibility. For some they cannot handle the drama and just cannot show up without backup, it might be easier to send flowers, cards, to Mom and money for those who can be there for your parents. Try not to judge or keep score, that's when your friends and support groups can help you find balance and stave off guilt for setting boundaries or for getting wiped out.

    7) When you can try to visit w/ your husband, when childcare can be shared by friends, so hubby can be your buffer and support. Take an extra day just for each other before returning home. Set a time and date = timelimit when you vent to him so it is not the center of your marriage. Girlfriends can be a great source when you need to cry or vent too.

    8) Living Will and End of Life Care: research these on the web, not saying this is your mom's fate, but ultimately it will be all of our fates so as a mom, wife, and daughter each adult needs to know the wishes of their parents and spouses and siblings. That was the greatest gift my parents gave us was discussing their wishes if they became incapacitated with Alzheimers, stoke, coma, etc.

    That they did not want to be resusitated or kept alive artifically with tubes, respirators, etc. or what and when measures need to be taken, decisions to be made to honor their wishes. Every hospital has forms for formalizing their wishes and who is appointed to honor their wishes as their spokes person. I would rather be free to go to heaven then kept alive artifically with no reasonable quality of life is what my parents wishes were and my own. It may take many rounds of denial, defenses and talks about easing them into anyone's options when the scenario presents itself, not necessarity due to Mom's illness, but perhaps timely anyway. Otherwise, the family goes broke keeping them alive month after month with no reasonable assurance of quality of life (respirator, feeding tubes, etc.) Nursing home$ care.......it's a personal decision and you are never too young to consider your options. A great question I ask the nurses and doctors is: If it were your mother, father, fill in the blank.......what would you do for them?

    Someone always has it worst, a woman with no kids, no spouse, etc. no family who has cancer in advanced stages, if your mom met someone in a group like that it would give her perspective and gratitude for what she does have w/ re: support.

    Bless you, hope this helps, there are also books that can help if your parents are too private to meet in a group. Have them listen to K-love positive encouraging christian music. Prayer chains, does your mom have healthy relationships with her siblings?

    You don't have to endure the weight of this or allow them to guilt you or scapegoat you no matter what family history shows.

    You can do this, you have the wisdom and strength and you know your priorities, you are not their physician, saviour, you are their daughter just be the best you --you can be and don't carry the baggage they put on you.  All my best will check back later.

    Jayne

  • me_and_my_mom
    me_and_my_mom Member Posts: 46 Member
    #4
    worldsojourner said:

    Praying hard for mom

    Oh, Yelena. It is not your fault your mom got cancer.  All the folks writing on this board have cancer, and nobody gave it to us. Our cells mutated and grew tumors. I have to say I bet her tumor has been growing a lot longer than 9 months for her to be this ill. And she does sound very ill. No matter where you live, you cannot heal her, you cannot save her. So let that burden go. That is God's hands. The doctors can say to her you need to walk, you need to eat, but they are not the ones on her journey-- it might be more than she is capable of doing right now. I worked in hospitals for years, and have seen oncologists try to encourage their patients with "good test results," etc,  even when the evidence that the battle is being lost is right in front of them.  

     I have also seen families with a designated scapegoat that they all turn to blame whenever anything goes wrong. Do not accept that role. You have every right to live your own life, even if your family tries to guilt-trip you into moving back. Your place is with your husband and children. Your mom's journey is her own and no one else's.

     I wish peace for you and your family. I will pray for you.

    Anne

    Oh Anne - I am sorry for what

    Oh Anne - I am sorry for what you are going through. First thing is, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Period - end of story. Let go of thought go immediately. It's nobodies fault.

    I lost my mother 2 1/2 years ago to OC. My mother was like yours - not one to show physical affection - no hugs, no kisses, no I love You's. That's just how she was, and in no way whatsoever did it mean she loved or cared for her family any less than a more demostrative mothers - she was an awesome Mom, and I'm sure yours is too! She just wasn't comfortable expressing love in those ways.

    As for her not wanting to eat/walk/get stronger, just know - your mother is doing the very best she can. If it she could do more, she would. As much as you want her to get better, IT IS NOT IN YOUR HANDS - and honestly, neither is it in your mothers. You can all only do the best you can, than ultimately,  what is to be is to be.

    When my mother was sick it was like being in hell for me - I wanted SOOO much for her too eat, sooooo much for her to move, sooooo much for her to feel better - any little sign of progress (eating a popsicle, getting out of bed) was HUGE for me - it would make my day. And any set back would ruin my day. The most valuable thing I learned through my experience is this - you have to give up control - you cannot   change her outcome - you cannot make her well or not well - there is nothing you can to change any of this. It is not in your hands. So hold on tight and  take each day is it comes.

    Do not feel guilty taking care of yourself or your family!!!!! I'm sure your mother wants you to take care of yourself and children - she does not want your life to fall apart. Do what you need to do - no guilt. It's in Gods hands, not yours.

    Much Love -

    Carol

  • yelena1
    yelena1 Member Posts: 2
    #5
    mom is doing much better...
    hello thanks everyone for your encouragements... its been crazy here latterly mom is feeling much better she just got back from hospital yesterday...her health is improving God is so awesome...she is of the feeding tubes and eating slowly the infections went away and she is slowly walking.The bad part about all this is now that they are home they expect me to go live with them to take care of mom. Mom cry's telling everyone that no one is there to help even though my sisters go on the weekend and my brother lives next door. I so badly want to go and take care of her i cry my self o sleep. Due to financial reasons i cant go visit her at this time while i stayed in the hospital with her for 3 weeks my job didn't pay me and i feel back with my bills now im playing catch up and we all no how that works this days. I don't know how to explain to them anymore how hard it is for me to not be there but its just impossible. I want to move her here with me not sure how the medicare/medicaid works she wants to come im a little scared to make this huge move...she want us to take her to a privet clinic to take the IV vitamins and we are willing to do that again not sure how to be able to pay for it. My sisters will help i need to do my part and i run out of options at this time. It seems like they don't understand how hard it is to be able to survive with bills and kids and all this stuff dad says we are your parents its your turn to take care of us i believe in taking care of my parents 100% if i could i would. I dont know what to do anymore im so depressed i love my parents dearly i just wish they understood more about life this days. We always sent money helped with their bills food im guessing dad got use to it and expects now more or what to believe. My poor hubby just looks at me like what ales can we do im so sorry. I want for her to come here just need to call around to see what to do and how to do it. I know its my turn to help my sisters go there every other weekend they are a little better off financially then me and they stay 8 hours i m 20 hours!! im so stressed out i know i need to take care of my mom my self and family but im running out of positive energy and sanity. Blame is a huge thing yes i know its not my fault but when she calls and says if you guys want me alive then you will take me to the most expensive places to get me well...i tell her i love her and we are trying hard to get her everywhere she needs to go. She has a great hospital and doctor they take care of her really good. I know she is sick and she does not think very well at this time i wish she would think how much her kids love her and do everything possible for help. I love you is not enough she wants all of us there next to her every minute i just dont know how to explain to both of them how hard it is for us to do that. They are not the only parents that go through this and im sure not to many kids do so much like we do. We put our bills back to make sure she is taking care of. Her English is not that well and she wants someone to be there next to her every minute she gets mad even if we go outside for a minute dad speaks it and he is there. I know she is scared and so are we...we cry and pray every day for her she is doing better medically doctor is so happy the way she is healing up everything looks clean she is got to get chemo and she is not to happy to do that because of the way it makes her feel and we all understand i couldn't even imagine how awful it is. She wants to get better she doesn't even think about dying she want to get better now and its our job to do so. Only if i was a millionaire or had more money i would do just that i started school had to stop because is just not possible at this time. She is in the best hands the best Doctor in Springfield we make sure she is taking care of. All nurses tell us we spoil her lol...only if they would see it this way. Just because we all didn't move there next to her now she says we dont care but we do everything we can to get her better the best meds , best of everything for mom...funny thing is that dad thinks just like her ): one of my sister is home like i mentioned before i think...now she went home for a few weeks not sure when she can come back everyone is asking me when im going its my turn im so back on my bills if i do that i would have to move under a bridge with my family yet i want to be there so darn bad...when you hear mom cry everyday that i should be there if i loved her nothing alse would matter how can i explain it to her no idea. Id never tell her about my financial problems she doesn't need to worry she has enough. I tell her im working on it mom then she crys. Please have me in your prayers for something to open up or so i can get an idea or something. I feel lie a fly in a jar lol...buzzing around cant get no where lol. She always been depended on her kids she never drove i was her right hand and its hard on her now...mom is very spoiled its our fault before she got sick we always surprised her with things money close always came to visit and always been there...really we were the mom to our mom lol she never done that for us but its ok because we love them so much and we do it to just make them happy. Now we are in a little trouble. Is there more family out there with kids in different states do you move there how do you make it work?thanks everyone for reading and responding its nice to let it out once in a while.
  • NoTimeForCancer
    NoTimeForCancer Member Posts: 3,486 Member
    #6
    yelena1 said:

    mom is doing much better...
    hello thanks everyone for your encouragements... its been crazy here latterly mom is feeling much better she just got back from hospital yesterday...her health is improving God is so awesome...she is of the feeding tubes and eating slowly the infections went away and she is slowly walking.The bad part about all this is now that they are home they expect me to go live with them to take care of mom. Mom cry's telling everyone that no one is there to help even though my sisters go on the weekend and my brother lives next door. I so badly want to go and take care of her i cry my self o sleep. Due to financial reasons i cant go visit her at this time while i stayed in the hospital with her for 3 weeks my job didn't pay me and i feel back with my bills now im playing catch up and we all no how that works this days. I don't know how to explain to them anymore how hard it is for me to not be there but its just impossible. I want to move her here with me not sure how the medicare/medicaid works she wants to come im a little scared to make this huge move...she want us to take her to a privet clinic to take the IV vitamins and we are willing to do that again not sure how to be able to pay for it. My sisters will help i need to do my part and i run out of options at this time. It seems like they don't understand how hard it is to be able to survive with bills and kids and all this stuff dad says we are your parents its your turn to take care of us i believe in taking care of my parents 100% if i could i would. I dont know what to do anymore im so depressed i love my parents dearly i just wish they understood more about life this days. We always sent money helped with their bills food im guessing dad got use to it and expects now more or what to believe. My poor hubby just looks at me like what ales can we do im so sorry. I want for her to come here just need to call around to see what to do and how to do it. I know its my turn to help my sisters go there every other weekend they are a little better off financially then me and they stay 8 hours i m 20 hours!! im so stressed out i know i need to take care of my mom my self and family but im running out of positive energy and sanity. Blame is a huge thing yes i know its not my fault but when she calls and says if you guys want me alive then you will take me to the most expensive places to get me well...i tell her i love her and we are trying hard to get her everywhere she needs to go. She has a great hospital and doctor they take care of her really good. I know she is sick and she does not think very well at this time i wish she would think how much her kids love her and do everything possible for help. I love you is not enough she wants all of us there next to her every minute i just dont know how to explain to both of them how hard it is for us to do that. They are not the only parents that go through this and im sure not to many kids do so much like we do. We put our bills back to make sure she is taking care of. Her English is not that well and she wants someone to be there next to her every minute she gets mad even if we go outside for a minute dad speaks it and he is there. I know she is scared and so are we...we cry and pray every day for her she is doing better medically doctor is so happy the way she is healing up everything looks clean she is got to get chemo and she is not to happy to do that because of the way it makes her feel and we all understand i couldn't even imagine how awful it is. She wants to get better she doesn't even think about dying she want to get better now and its our job to do so. Only if i was a millionaire or had more money i would do just that i started school had to stop because is just not possible at this time. She is in the best hands the best Doctor in Springfield we make sure she is taking care of. All nurses tell us we spoil her lol...only if they would see it this way. Just because we all didn't move there next to her now she says we dont care but we do everything we can to get her better the best meds , best of everything for mom...funny thing is that dad thinks just like her ): one of my sister is home like i mentioned before i think...now she went home for a few weeks not sure when she can come back everyone is asking me when im going its my turn im so back on my bills if i do that i would have to move under a bridge with my family yet i want to be there so darn bad...when you hear mom cry everyday that i should be there if i loved her nothing alse would matter how can i explain it to her no idea. Id never tell her about my financial problems she doesn't need to worry she has enough. I tell her im working on it mom then she crys. Please have me in your prayers for something to open up or so i can get an idea or something. I feel lie a fly in a jar lol...buzzing around cant get no where lol. She always been depended on her kids she never drove i was her right hand and its hard on her now...mom is very spoiled its our fault before she got sick we always surprised her with things money close always came to visit and always been there...really we were the mom to our mom lol she never done that for us but its ok because we love them so much and we do it to just make them happy. Now we are in a little trouble. Is there more family out there with kids in different states do you move there how do you make it work?thanks everyone for reading and responding its nice to let it out once in a while.

    yelena1, no doubt it is a

    yelena1, no doubt it is a difficult situation.  It doesn't sound like what your mother wants you to do is possible, so maybe that is what you might have to say.  It doesn't sound like she will understand, but be honest and know you have and would do what you can do.

    Maybe you can arrange to call her everyday at the same time to check in on her?  Just a thought. 

    I am sorry you have to go through this.

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