All The Single Ladies

I'm single too.  I am very independent and my friends know it.  I will tell you this: allowing your friends to do for you is the GIFT you give them.  

They really care about you and want to do things for you.  I will also tell you many will SAY they will do anything, and when you ask them, you will see they didn't mean it.  That's ok.  I accept that people do have their limits.  I also treasure the ones who KEPT ON COMING.  

THOSE are the amazing people in your life.  So while you think you need something, you really are GIVING to those people as well.

molimoli said:

Saddened

Editgrl your post and the responses caused me some sadness as I realize that locking my family and friends out of this  cancer drama that keeps me in rehearsal all by myself, robs me and  is also robbing them .

There are friends and family that I see  or speak with everyday, There is no physical changes on me for them to see so they haven't a clue.They are very happy that my grieving is minimized , because now I do a lot more than I did since my daughter's death. They are happy that I " found myself again".They dont know that I am catching up on living in my effort to outfox dying.

I don't know how I will explain myself ,especially having surgery under everyone's noses without their imput and suggestions. Wow ! daunting task ahead explaining why I decided on going on a vacation with no one else.AAH!!!      I have lied everytime some one ask where I was all day (Cancer Centre of course) I  usually find an answer depending on who is asking.  For now I am stuck on lying and lying is stuck on me.

All I know for sure is that I am hoping that this kind of lying is not an unforgivable sin or Moli's goose will be cooked. Oh Lord, I suddenly feel heat.hope Satan dislikes me and eject me from his place. That's my hope for my lying self today.

My hope for you all today is uplifted spirit and courage to continue on your quest to make your selves well. I am hugging. Nuff love.

 

Moli,

You are way too hard on yourself. Nothing you are doing needs forgiveness.

I do think though, that you might be realizing that it is time to pull others in? This truly is not a journey to take alone.

I wish you could recognize the wonderful spirit that you are and what you bring to others. Sharing yourself may be just what you need.

Take care of yourself my friend Moli. Be as kind to You as you have been to others on this board.

We will support you in your decisions.

Love,

Cindi

Sandy3185 said:

Keeping family in the loop

Moli, I've been in your shoes and I know your heart is in the right place. I too tried to protect my daughters from what was happening. I didn't tell them that I was sick at first and when I finally told them I still didn't tell them about UPSC just said it was endometrial cancer. That frightened them enuf! They did find out everything when they spoke to my gyn/onc after my 7 hour surgery. I'm still glad that I didn't tell them the whole truth from the beginning but I was so thankful for their care and concern during my recovery and treatment.

My husband was aware from the beginning and was my rock. But it really took a toll on him. His fear and grieving pushed me to do my best to recover quickly. I really had a hard time with chemo and I was ill most of the time, so I know I couldn't have hidden everything from my family( and especially the surgery and the 6 days in the hospital!), but I often wish I could have. That being said, I would still suggest that you seriously consider letting your children know what's going on. Sure they'll be frightened but they will also want to be there for you and, I think, grateful that they COULD be there for you. They will understand why you hesitated to inform them but also relieved that you allowed them to help you. This deception is also taking a toll on you just when you need to be at your strongest. 

Whatever you decide, I know you will be doing what feels right to you and for your family,

Sandy

Well said and well taken Sandy,I  intend to tell I really do, I don't yet know how the interupted lives will move forward  yet another time, Oh me ,oh my.

I will work on it,I promise.  Yes the deception is draining mentally.Thank God I have the knack of shutting things off  sometimes.One problem is that my kids rushes to the internet for everything ,There is  nothing good or hopeful  about upsc on the internet,nothing at all. , Yes Sandy it must feel right , it will come. My youngest will be going to live in her dream city,New York  in a month ,so I will allow her to settle in first  , for a while, and I dare not tell the chatterbox daughter of mine who has no concept of the word secret,lol.Some mothers do have em.

How was chemo hard for you ? ,I shouldn't ask but I must, and you mustn't  sugar coat it , ok ? 

Love you all with your caring selves, I am hugging.

I am just like you.  Single, and independent.  When I received the news I had cancer, I told my family and asked my aunt to attend all appointments with my mom and me.  Then, I told the people closest to me who I wanted to tell myself.  Then, it was announced at church as a prayer request.

I had a friend who was single, independent and had breast cancer and didn't want to talk about it at all.  She went through her treatments and people offered her help and sometimes she took it.  I had decided that I needed to be open and talk about it because people around her didn't know what to say to her.  I didn't want that.  I wanted to be an educator and I was very upbeat.  When people saw how upbeat I was and even made fun of "being spayed", it broke the ice with alot of them and people were more at ease.  People felt sorry for me but I would turn it into a positive and found a reason to be thankful.  Through my whole cancer journey, I found things to laugh about and be thankful for.  People volunteered to help in all sorts of ways.  The first time I had to ask for help was agonizing for me, but it got easier.  People had to mow my lawn and shovel my snow and rake my leaves.  They enjoyed helping, just like I enjoy helping others.

All that to say, it is a blessing that goes both ways.  Trying to do it alone doesn't work.  As my brother-in-law says, "It takes a team"  I used Caring Bridge and facebook to let my family and friends know what I needed.  My mom and dad took care of me most of the time, so there was little except for the yard work that needed.  I did have friends take me for rides to get me out of the house.

Everyone has to find their own way.  If you have been lying, better come clean because each lie needs another lie and another one etc. and pretty soon you get caught and you're in a whole lot more deep water.  If people show you pity, give them a reason to change their mind.   I think people react to news like this the way the person who has cancer reacts.  That's what I've experienced with my friend and I.  Totally different ways we handled it and totally different ways people reacted.

Ask for help.  Give someone a blessing.

Jeanette

It happened to Me said:

Here's my thoughts

I am just like you.  Single, and independent.  When I received the news I had cancer, I told my family and asked my aunt to attend all appointments with my mom and me.  Then, I told the people closest to me who I wanted to tell myself.  Then, it was announced at church as a prayer request.

I had a friend who was single, independent and had breast cancer and didn't want to talk about it at all.  She went through her treatments and people offered her help and sometimes she took it.  I had decided that I needed to be open and talk about it because people around her didn't know what to say to her.  I didn't want that.  I wanted to be an educator and I was very upbeat.  When people saw how upbeat I was and even made fun of "being spayed", it broke the ice with alot of them and people were more at ease.  People felt sorry for me but I would turn it into a positive and found a reason to be thankful.  Through my whole cancer journey, I found things to laugh about and be thankful for.  People volunteered to help in all sorts of ways.  The first time I had to ask for help was agonizing for me, but it got easier.  People had to mow my lawn and shovel my snow and rake my leaves.  They enjoyed helping, just like I enjoy helping others.

All that to say, it is a blessing that goes both ways.  Trying to do it alone doesn't work.  As my brother-in-law says, "It takes a team"  I used Caring Bridge and facebook to let my family and friends know what I needed.  My mom and dad took care of me most of the time, so there was little except for the yard work that needed.  I did have friends take me for rides to get me out of the house.

Everyone has to find their own way.  If you have been lying, better come clean because each lie needs another lie and another one etc. and pretty soon you get caught and you're in a whole lot more deep water.  If people show you pity, give them a reason to change their mind.   I think people react to news like this the way the person who has cancer reacts.  That's what I've experienced with my friend and I.  Totally different ways we handled it and totally different ways people reacted.

Ask for help.  Give someone a blessing.

Jeanette

Hi Jeanette, Thanks for your post, I will be giving your advice a lot of thought as I go through the decision phase,that's when I allow myself to ponder cancer and it's trappings again.

I have always made sure that my lies are not gigantic ones that will bite me we all know where,lol

My conversations  are like this:  "I called you this morning,where were you" ?

                                               ' Down Town'

                                                " Doing ?

                                                 " stuff'''     (Of course the stuff is usually scans, or blood work,and the hospital is down town.  ( that's stuff right? )

                                                 " Ok wanna go out to eat later "

I see it more like none disclosure or teeny weeny lies if you look at it with technical scrutiny. (That statement is  me pleading not guilty,and asking for a pass.I am totally shameless.)

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, all of you keeps be sane, kind-of-sane   ( kinda sane)

Nuff nuff love, Moli.

molimoli said:

A brother-in-law and a half, give that gem a hug from me.

Hi Jeanette, Thanks for your post, I will be giving your advice a lot of thought as I go through the decision phase,that's when I allow myself to ponder cancer and it's trappings again.

I have always made sure that my lies are not gigantic ones that will bite me we all know where,lol

My conversations  are like this:  "I called you this morning,where were you" ?

                                               ' Down Town'

                                                " Doing ?

                                                 " stuff'''     (Of course the stuff is usually scans, or blood work,and the hospital is down town.  ( that's stuff right? )

                                                 " Ok wanna go out to eat later "

I see it more like none disclosure or teeny weeny lies if you look at it with technical scrutiny. (That statement is  me pleading not guilty,and asking for a pass.I am totally shameless.)

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, all of you keeps be sane, kind-of-sane   ( kinda sane)

Nuff nuff love, Moli.

                                               

                                                

I usually try to keep my strong opinions to myself on this board because it's not possible to understand all the details in the poster's life that go into making a decision but i can no longer help myself.  Do with my 2 cents as you will, but please consider how you would feel if one of your daughters kept a health issue of this magnitude from you.

i waited till I had the biopsy results till I told my daughter.  I didn't see any need to worry her till I knew what there was to worry about.  I had to tell her on the phone as she lives some distance from me.  Despite that, she has been there for me in every way.  I think your daughter can do the same for you, even after she moves to NYC.

i mean well, Connie

It happened to Me said:

Here's my thoughts

I am just like you.  Single, and independent.  When I received the news I had cancer, I told my family and asked my aunt to attend all appointments with my mom and me.  Then, I told the people closest to me who I wanted to tell myself.  Then, it was announced at church as a prayer request.

I had a friend who was single, independent and had breast cancer and didn't want to talk about it at all.  She went through her treatments and people offered her help and sometimes she took it.  I had decided that I needed to be open and talk about it because people around her didn't know what to say to her.  I didn't want that.  I wanted to be an educator and I was very upbeat.  When people saw how upbeat I was and even made fun of "being spayed", it broke the ice with alot of them and people were more at ease.  People felt sorry for me but I would turn it into a positive and found a reason to be thankful.  Through my whole cancer journey, I found things to laugh about and be thankful for.  People volunteered to help in all sorts of ways.  The first time I had to ask for help was agonizing for me, but it got easier.  People had to mow my lawn and shovel my snow and rake my leaves.  They enjoyed helping, just like I enjoy helping others.

All that to say, it is a blessing that goes both ways.  Trying to do it alone doesn't work.  As my brother-in-law says, "It takes a team"  I used Caring Bridge and facebook to let my family and friends know what I needed.  My mom and dad took care of me most of the time, so there was little except for the yard work that needed.  I did have friends take me for rides to get me out of the house.

Everyone has to find their own way.  If you have been lying, better come clean because each lie needs another lie and another one etc. and pretty soon you get caught and you're in a whole lot more deep water.  If people show you pity, give them a reason to change their mind.   I think people react to news like this the way the person who has cancer reacts.  That's what I've experienced with my friend and I.  Totally different ways we handled it and totally different ways people reacted.

Ask for help.  Give someone a blessing.

Jeanette

Jeanette,

Great post! I am finding the exact reactions that you did. At first, people don't know what to say or do and kind of look at you with pity. But, I keep a smile on my face and assure them that I am doing fine and will come out of this on the other side living life to the fullest. It gives them permission to be the same around me as they always have been. I am normally a positive person and find it easier to be happy than dwell on the sad or scary. I fully plan to celebrate my 85th birthday. After that, the rest will be bonus. :-) (I'm 58 now)

Cindi

ConnieSW said:

Moli

I usually try to keep my strong opinions to myself on this board because it's not possible to understand all the details in the poster's life that go into making a decision but i can no longer help myself.  Do with my 2 cents as you will, but please consider how you would feel if one of your daughters kept a health issue of this magnitude from you.

i waited till I had the biopsy results till I told my daughter.  I didn't see any need to worry her till I knew what there was to worry about.  I had to tell her on the phone as she lives some distance from me.  Despite that, she has been there for me in every way.  I think your daughter can do the same for you, even after she moves to NYC.

 

i mean well, Connie

I appreciate all of your comments I feel the caring upon every word,and together you had many words.Every one had a valid point. Except circumstances sometimes dictates actions and outcomes. I embrace you all with thankfulness for taking the load off of my children by being there for me through this maze, my cup is half full because I might not have found you my sisters, what a wonderful blessing the creator carved out for me/ us.Thank you CSN, Thank you Linda (wherever you are resting )Thank you Debrajo. My children will be grateful that somebody was actually there for me through my ups and downs. They will be fine with my decision.

I have taken everything in consideration in the last 2 days, uninterrupted decision making sessions with my inner self .I have reached  final resolutions.

1]  My second opinion surgeon after reviewing all my scans thinks that surgery is dangerous  and doable ( cancer itself is dangerous, so) I picked Doable .He will engage other surgeons and come up with the safest surgery plan possible as tumor is resting on intestine  but has not penitrated.Which makes it a little more difficult to prevent damage to the colon. but a blessing it stands on its own for now. It was left too long, should have been operated on  3 cm ago. I told him the delay was not of my doing .He understands fully, surgery will never be embraced by an oncologist ,That's not what the Cancer hospitals hires them to do , That's no news to me ,but now that's spilt milk ,I move on.

2] I had already stopped by the Chemo Centre to cancel the Chemo session that was booked for me starting tomorrow Sept 8th. For that, another time,another place,maybe.

3] My children and grand children : We already share a lot of love ,hugs and Kisses  without punctuating it with sneaky worry.My kids  do not have any CURE  to offer me and I already know that  I am loved so I cannot find a justifyable reason to do the  whack-a-mole on them.They are all I have ,I  need them to be continually happy for as long as I live.

I am happy that they have begun to live again.really,really happy,We have all died before.I for one stayed dead too long.I held them back. Never again if that's in my control will I allow anything to diminish their enjoyment of the present time. Therefore,I have decided that I will not arrest their lives with this news of terminal Cancer at this time or anytime before it's absolutely necessary, neither will I arrest my enjoyment of the rest of my life with the knowledge of it.

I Have embarked on seeking out alternative attacks on mets ,especially before they appear ,It will be mostly nutritional and herbal.with necessary surgery.  Thats my resolve .

I will post my journey just in case I am happy with the outcome and if the outcome causes sorrow instead, you will all know never to take advice from me, so it's a win win,  lol and hug yourselves , we have lived, outlived many, be grateful.  My cup is half full inspite of cancer. I will always see it that way.

I leave later this week for a vacation, Don't  know when I'll return ,don't care when, I'll see.  I will keep in touch until I leave and after that I will be in touch whenever I find internet.

I didn't know it was ever possible to feel so close to  a group of people whom I  have never met, wonders never cease to happen in life, glad it happened to me.

Nuff nuff love. Moli  

Love the people the Creator gave you because he will need them back one day.

molimoli said:

To all my wonderful mother henning ,nurturing sisters

I appreciate all of your comments I feel the caring upon every word,and together you had many words.Every one had a valid point. Except circumstances sometimes dictates actions and outcomes. I embrace you all with thankfulness for taking the load off of my children by being there for me through this maze, my cup is half full because I might not have found you my sisters, what a wonderful blessing the creator carved out for me/ us.Thank you CSN, Thank you Linda (wherever you are resting )Thank you Debrajo. My children will be grateful that somebody was actually there for me through my ups and downs. They will be fine with my decision.

I have taken everything in consideration in the last 2 days, uninterrupted decision making sessions with my inner self .I have reached  final resolutions.

1]  My second opinion surgeon after reviewing all my scans thinks that surgery is dangerous  and doable ( cancer itself is dangerous, so) I picked Doable .He will engage other surgeons and come up with the safest surgery plan possible as tumor is resting on intestine  but has not penitrated.Which makes it a little more difficult to prevent damage to the colon. but a blessing it stands on its own for now. It was left too long, should have been operated on  3 cm ago. I told him the delay was not of my doing .He understands fully, surgery will never be embraced by an oncologist ,That's not what the Cancer hospitals hires them to do , That's no news to me ,but now that's spilt milk ,I move on.

2] I had already stopped by the Chemo Centre to cancel the Chemo session that was booked for me starting tomorrow Sept 8th. For that, another time,another place,maybe.

3] My children and grand children : We already share a lot of love ,hugs and Kisses  without punctuating it with sneaky worry.My kids  do not have any CURE  to offer me and I already know that  I am loved so I cannot find a justifyable reason to do the  whack-a-mole on them.They are all I have ,I  need them to be continually happy for as long as I live.

I am happy that they have begun to live again.really,really happy,We have all died before.I for one stayed dead too long.I held them back. Never again if that's in my control will I allow anything to diminish their enjoyment of the present time. Therefore,I have decided that I will not arrest their lives with this news of terminal Cancer at this time or anytime before it's absolutely necessary, neither will I arrest my enjoyment of the rest of my life with the knowledge of it.

I Have embarked on seeking out alternative attacks on mets ,especially before they appear ,It will be mostly nutritional and herbal.with necessary surgery.  Thats my resolve .

I will post my journey just in case I am happy with the outcome and if the outcome causes sorrow instead, you will all know never to take advice from me, so it's a win win,  lol and hug yourselves , we have lived, outlived many, be grateful.  My cup is half full inspite of cancer. I will always see it that way.

I leave later this week for a vacation, Don't  know when I'll return ,don't care when, I'll see.  I will keep in touch until I leave and after that I will be in touch whenever I find internet.

I didn't know it was ever possible to feel so close to  a group of people whom I  have never met, wonders never cease to happen in life, glad it happened to me.

Nuff nuff love. Moli  

Love the people the Creator gave you because he will need them back one day.

 

 

Moli, as I have said all along it is our individual journeys and decisions to be made are ours alone.  We may not agree but we have to respect each other's choices.  I sense peace in your post in so many ways and am happy for you.  As a friend, my job is to be supportive and wish you the very best which I do.  Enjoy your trip! Take deep and powerful breaths, feel the sand on you feet and enjoy the sound of the waves on the beach.  These are all my zen things that I do, either in person or in my head, to relax.  

Sending many hugs and keeping you in my prayers as well as your family.  Looking forward to hearing about your amazing trip!

as Ro would say - in peace and caring -Anne