CT scan today

Just feeling bummed out. It's been six months since the last one. I get the results in about five days. Most of the time I can avoid thinking about the cancer and tell myself that I feel pretty good and it's probably gone but when I have to get a test done, whether its a blood test to check my CEA or something like this, it brings back the fear and makes me think about it again.

I started crying about a block from the hospital but managed to get myself under control before I went in. Then I found out I had to have an IV and wanted to cry again. I'm such a hard start and it's always a nightmare. At the same time I guess it's a clearer result if they do the IV and I'd rather have it done properly. And actually the nurse did a good job and it wasn't bad. It turned out that she remembered me from when I went in to emergency with the blood clot so we had a bit of a chat about that. Every time I run into someone who knew me from that time they're always excited because I wasn't expected to survive at all let alone be well again.

I'm going to start copying recipes for my daughter and writing on the backs of pictures we have in boxes and making notes about the history of certain things and things like that. Not because I don't have hope for a long life but I'll feel better if I do these things and know that whether I live a long time or not long it's done. I'd hate to have to do it if I knew I only had a short time left. And it would be so hard if I were physically incapacitated again.

Jan