I think I'm jealous of other women without BC

karenrae
karenrae Member Posts: 2
edited August 2015 in Breast Cancer #1

I'm two years out from my initial diagnosis of stage 3 breast cancer. I'm doing really well and getting back into shape-trying to shed the weight and get fit. However, I've noticed that my self esteem and body image are messed up. I've never been the jealous type but it hurts me so deeply when I see my husband admire other women.  I have never noticed him to do this before...but in the past year we are back to living a more social life and we are often times near women our age or younger ( we are in our early 40s) and I've noticed my husband ogling more than once. A glance at beauty is one thing...watching a woman cross the room when exiting our dinner party is another. I do not question his love for me but I do feel that he is looking...and wishing....  He is a good man and maybe I feel inferior or that I cannot satisfy him for the rest of our lives?...I don't know what this is but I need to build my self worth back! I can't believe I feel this way...it's not logical but a deep hurt...maybe it's grief?  Has anyone else gone through this? 

This cancer business is such a mixed bag of emotions! I feel strong.  I AM strong...and it ticks me off that I even feel this way about my husband and my body.

Have you been here? Am I loosing my marbles?  

Sending love xoxo

Comments

  • button2
    button2 Member Posts: 421
    #2
    Karen, I have felt the same

    I'm glad you brought up this topic. I had a period when I was really angry. Not exactly at other women but little things would tick me off. Hearing women complain while trying on bras made me want to shout "Well at least you have breasts". I had a single mastectomy without reconstruction. I often wonder the exact same things about my husband. To be honest though, he really doesn't look at other women more than before. He always loved them (lol) and I think it's more about our insecurity. I think a lot of it has to do with getting older (I'm 49) and generally you become kind of invisible in society, with or without breasts. If we were 29, things would be different even if we had no breasts at all. So I think we have to say to ourselves: "Yes my husband admires beauty (just as I admire other men) but he has chosen to be with me". There is nothing you can do about it except be glad that he doesn't hide things from you. As my mother always says "There are no men who don't look at other women, those are just the ones with good peripheral vision"! Being confident, secure, and staying fit/using make-up, being funny and warm are things that are very much in our control and very attractive to men. Good luck, Anna

  • desertgirl947
    desertgirl947 Member Posts: 653 Member
    #3
    I know that sometimes I just

    I know that sometimes I just get tired of all of this. Can't say it is because I feel uncomfortable in social circles or that I wonder what runs through my husband's mind.  It's just the other things that are constant reminders -- and they will always be there.

    For me, I try not to let myself focus on that for long periods of time; but I don't feel guilty about the times that I wish that things were different, more like they once were.

    I am three years out . . . a IIIA myself.

  • twnkltoz
    twnkltoz Member Posts: 169 Member
    #4
    I'm sorry you're feeling this

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I think it's pretty natural. However, it's quite possible that your husband isn't looking at other women any more than he did before--you're just more sensitive to it now so you notice it more. It's hard not to admire an attractive member of the species--I certainly do it, but it's not because I don't find my BF sexy and desireable and wonderful.

    Have you had a conversation with him about how you feel? keep it non-confrontational, don't demand he don't look, but talk about how you feel less desireable than before and you need some help feeling better about yourself. 

    And remember, when he's looking at them, he's sitting with you and going home with you. He chose to stay with you, I assume because he loves you. 

  • GlowMore
    GlowMore Member Posts: 789 Member
    #5
    twnkltoz said:

    I'm sorry you're feeling this

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I think it's pretty natural. However, it's quite possible that your husband isn't looking at other women any more than he did before--you're just more sensitive to it now so you notice it more. It's hard not to admire an attractive member of the species--I certainly do it, but it's not because I don't find my BF sexy and desireable and wonderful.

    Have you had a conversation with him about how you feel? keep it non-confrontational, don't demand he don't look, but talk about how you feel less desireable than before and you need some help feeling better about yourself. 

    And remember, when he's looking at them, he's sitting with you and going home with you. He chose to stay with you, I assume because he loves you. 

    Counseling?

    Maybe a little counseling would be good for you and your husband during this stressful time....but I agree with twinkletoes that you need to let him know how you feel.  My husband died about 4 years before my BC diagnosis....but I do still understand the blow to the ego and to our self esteem.......getting it into perspective takes work.  Sending you Encouragement and hope you are able to find a way to not let this cause you too much pain....the main thing is to focus on Survival ....  Prayers for Answers....  Hugs,  Glo

  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #6
    I am guessing you may notice

    I am guessing you may notice it now..since you are feeling a bit unsure or on a roller coaster ride.

     

    I HOPE things works our and perhaps a journal would help. I used one , at one point, thinking it was silly-but in hind sight , it helped!

     

    Denise

  • karenrae
    karenrae Member Posts: 2
    #7
    Thank you for sharing your

    Thank you for sharing your input!  I shared my feelings with my husband. I told him that even though my mind knows that my insecurity is silly, my heart needs to heal.  He was very loving during our conversation and said that I should be patient with the healing process and that he was glad that I shared my feelings.  

  • twnkltoz
    twnkltoz Member Posts: 169 Member
    #8
    karenrae said:

    Thank you for sharing your

    Thank you for sharing your input!  I shared my feelings with my husband. I told him that even though my mind knows that my insecurity is silly, my heart needs to heal.  He was very loving during our conversation and said that I should be patient with the healing process and that he was glad that I shared my feelings.  

    That is good! Now maybe you

    That is good! Now maybe you can come up with some ways together to reconnect and bolster your self confidence. A little get-away, a spa day where you give each other massages or some kind of treatments, one of those love games, etc. 

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