my mom passed away aug 4th. im lost without her

Hi Campbellkids, 

I'm sending you internet hugs. I completely understand your situation and I am so so sorry you had to go through it. My Mom and best friend died on March 6th after fighting stage 4 lung cancer for a year. I was her full time caretaker and even knowing that she was finally out of pain...it's not easy. It's a breath to breath process  to get through this grief. 

It's the absolute worst feeling and sucks beyond imagination. And as unbelieveable as this is to right now, the grief does lighten...I thought the hospice people were off their rockers when they said that to me, but it's true. The first few weeks after I walked around like a zombie and to this day I barely remember what I did day to day. After about two months I could smile when I thought of her (while crying still) and now I don't cry as much. I still have those days when everything hurts and I'm bombarded with memories and when they hit I usually spend the day crying. Then there are other days when I can go most of the day and be "okay". I can't say that things have gotten better, but the grief isn't a tsunami swallowing me up and spitting me out...more like a tide pool that I can wade through. 

Some people can't wrap there heads around grief. Whether it's because they haven't experienced it yet or it was a different kind of grief (it's completely different for everyone and not right or wrong either way)... I had people who said all the platitudes (she's in a better place, out of pain, you can move on from caregiving) and they might have meant the best but they didn't really help-it was just what they could offer at the time. No one knew what it was like to be my mother's daughter and no one knew what it was like to lose her. 

I will say that you might want to take some time for you and to be kind to yourself. The rules of life can be set aside for a bit while you are trying to find the new life you have. If you have the ability (financially, emotionally, physically....) take some time to just adapt. I find walking my dog or sitting in a comfortable spot and just being there helps me. I know just after Mom passed I wrapped up in a quilt and sat on her back porch for several hours a day the first few weeks, just listening to the birds and trees and wind. Getting used to not hearing Mom's voice is still difficult for me. It's the silence that really drove me nuts. My best friend knew how devastated I was and we talk when that feeling gets strong. I would definitely suggest that you have a support system (learned that from the hospice too)-whether it's family, friends, counselors, religion or just a support group. It's important to have people to lean on because going it alone isn't everyone's cup of tea. I don't know if your mother was in a hospital or hospice, but those would be good resources to check. 

And I think you're right. A part of you does die when your loved one dies...you will never be that person to anyone again. When my Dad died last year and when Mom died this year...two chunks of me are gone now. I'm now version 3.0 and while I never imagined it, I've found that's not a terrible thing. My process getting through this grief has definitely taught me quite a few lessons that I never would have known before..how to care for my dying parents, what true compassion is, how amazing people are even in the most awful of circumstances, that a smile and a kind word and hope can help you get through more than you can imagine. 

It won't feel like it, but things will get better. 

I wish I could reach thru the moniter and give you a hug. It doesn't help, just know we're feeling the pain right there with you and being a part of the "Lost Moms Club" isnt something that I'd wish on anyone. 

I lost my mom on February 6th of this year at 11:44 am after an 11 month battle with Pancreatic Cancer. It feels like that day is burned into my brain. Even the 6th of every month is hard. When the two month mark hit after losing my mom, my best friend, my rock, my role model, the woman I (still to this day) strive to make proud, I experienced an awful wave of grief. The first month, I was a zombie. I went thru the motions of life, but it was almost like I was looking down on myself going thru these motions. I wasnt there. Two months, it hurt. That's when I started seeing a therapist every Monday. It helps about as much as anything can help. 

It's okay to cry. It's okay to scream. It's okay to be angry. We've all suffered an unimaginable loss.

Some things I wish people would've told me and some things I wish people would stop telling me:

*holidays, birthdays, family dinners, occasions that are supposed to be happy aren't what they used to be. I can only speak from my experience from the first year, but they all freaking suck. I didnt even get out of bed until the night of Mother's Day. Also, her birthday was harder than mine was. You can't prepare for how you'll feel, but try. Cry, eat a ton of ice cream, sleep. 

*It's okay to think about yourself. I cant say that without it sounding selfish, but a lot of people dont understand how painful this is. And it's a pain that doesnt go away, I think you just learn how to manage it. It's been 8 months and yes, some days are easier, some are harder. Focus on yourself and use your grief to guide your life into a positive way. 

*When someone tells you "It gets easier", dont punch them in the face, no matter how hard you want to. My boyfriends step-dad made that comment to me (one week after losing my mom and 4 months after he lost his) and all I could think about was "How can you say it gets easier when you've only gone thru this for 4 months. You're dumb. I seriously want to punch you in your face right now". He lied. I won't say it gets easier, it just gets different. I like to compare myself to a broken egg who is slowly, but surely putting herself back together. Now I have cracks that I didnt have before. 

Another thing that helps me now..... I love telling good stories about my mom. I love telling people how amazing she was. I look for traits that she instilled in me because that's how I can help her live on. 

Always remember, you're not alone. We're all going thru it and we're all here for you. Lean on your family, your friends, and us. Also - everything that you're feeling is normal. Just be the child that would make her proud.