Fiancé had stage 2 cancer surgery

Txgirl
Txgirl Member Posts: 9
edited August 2015 in Caregivers #1

In March X-ray found spot on his lung. He is 70 and in very good health otherwise. After pet scan, 2biopsies, finally found out end of June , cancer. He had surgery July 23 and now has chemo sept-nov. my issue is ever since mar he is rude and says mean things to me. Once he found out it was cancer it got worse. No minor kids for us but he is nice to his siblings and kids. Ok with me when they are around. we out marriage off for awhile till we knew. I live with him and had sold my place. We have a beach home also. He owns both so everything is his. I told him if we have to put off marriage he needs to make a will as I will have no home. All he would say is I have cancer you can't understand and how can u think of yourself. I make a 3rd of what he does. He has annuity . I am flight attendant. is is selfish, and I finally the Saturday of the week before he had surgery had to get stern. I said you will make a will . You also need to show me u care about me. after me upset and crying he did it and signed annuity to me. In the meantime because of the stress I got shingles (he didn't show he even cared) I told him I will take Fmla for myself but he has to cover my pay as otherwise I will work and his family has to take care of him. He finally agreed.( he is still getting pd ) This was not my life with him before. They said they got tumor out no lymph nodes early stage 2 and Maintanence chemo. He is angry instead of relieved and says why couldn't it have happened to someone else. I haven't done anything wrong. He had never had a serious health issue before. He always said he won't ever get sick. Hope this makes sense. We r finally moving forward with marriage As I need to be protected. will take 2monthas as he is catholic. I have felt guilty tried the nice thing stern thing nothing . It is all about him

Comments

  • j24
    j24 Member Posts: 15
    #2
    I'm sorry you're going

    I'm sorry you're going through this. :( There are days when my Mom yells at me for nothing at all... and I just try to take it with a grain of salt and know it's not her talking.

    You fiance may feel like you are the only  person he can show his emotions with. I know it's not the same situation, but with my Mom's cancer, I'm constantly taking out my anger on my boyfriend. I'm getting mad at him for silly things and get irritiated WAY more than usual. I think this is becasue I feel the need to be so strong in front of my Mom and family, that i don't let any emotion other than happiness and love show. Maybe this is how your fiance is? He has to put on an act in front of his siblings and kids so they don't worry, but he feels like he can trust you and you can handle him at his worst.

    Whenever my Mom gets upset with me, I just remind myself that I have no idea what she's going through. Try reseraching local cancer support groups in the area. I know I have a free service near me where I can go and speak with people when I need to. I'm glad you're getting married! I don't think it's selfish. Cancer is a scary thing and always makes you questions the "what ifs" 

    I wish I had better advice for you. Please feel free to vent your frustrations here! We're more than happy to listen. :)

  • Txgirl
    Txgirl Member Posts: 9
    #3
    j24 said:

    I'm sorry you're going

    I'm sorry you're going through this. :( There are days when my Mom yells at me for nothing at all... and I just try to take it with a grain of salt and know it's not her talking.

    You fiance may feel like you are the only  person he can show his emotions with. I know it's not the same situation, but with my Mom's cancer, I'm constantly taking out my anger on my boyfriend. I'm getting mad at him for silly things and get irritiated WAY more than usual. I think this is becasue I feel the need to be so strong in front of my Mom and family, that i don't let any emotion other than happiness and love show. Maybe this is how your fiance is? He has to put on an act in front of his siblings and kids so they don't worry, but he feels like he can trust you and you can handle him at his worst.

    Whenever my Mom gets upset with me, I just remind myself that I have no idea what she's going through. Try reseraching local cancer support groups in the area. I know I have a free service near me where I can go and speak with people when I need to. I'm glad you're getting married! I don't think it's selfish. Cancer is a scary thing and always makes you questions the "what ifs" 

    I wish I had better advice for you. Please feel free to vent your frustrations here! We're more than happy to listen. :)

    Your mom

    This does make sense. I can see now that I am the one he takes anger out on. He is so nice to his kids and is polite to me when around them or others. we just drove 17 hours to the beach as he can't fly yet. I thought he would be better here. So far he hasn't Been. When we are here and if we go out to dinner we always would have wine etc. last night he suggested any place he could that didn't serve alcohol. He said I can't eat without a drink and got nasty. We don't drink at home and since he has cut way back he is more critical. (he drinks 3xs what I do). God only knows I could use a glass of wine. He says he will never get better and will never know if he still has cancer. it seems to me he resents that I am ok and he is sick and i think here it seems he thinks won't live to enjoy it here and I will. I am actually relieved to go bk to work next week as I am afraid of getting shingles back if I am around him all the time. I guess one of his adult kids will need to fly in to help him during chemo if I can't be home. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I think I will try the (ignore) his comments thing. Thanks again

    also it seems the thing he is most worried and angry at is that he will probably lose his hair. I didnt think a man would be this angry over it. He always said, I don't understand why men go bald. I never will. Now this and he is furious even though it will normally grow back. Guess he is really vain. Never saw this side of him before although he does dye his hair.

  • j24
    j24 Member Posts: 15
    #4
    Txgirl said:

    Your mom

    This does make sense. I can see now that I am the one he takes anger out on. He is so nice to his kids and is polite to me when around them or others. we just drove 17 hours to the beach as he can't fly yet. I thought he would be better here. So far he hasn't Been. When we are here and if we go out to dinner we always would have wine etc. last night he suggested any place he could that didn't serve alcohol. He said I can't eat without a drink and got nasty. We don't drink at home and since he has cut way back he is more critical. (he drinks 3xs what I do). God only knows I could use a glass of wine. He says he will never get better and will never know if he still has cancer. it seems to me he resents that I am ok and he is sick and i think here it seems he thinks won't live to enjoy it here and I will. I am actually relieved to go bk to work next week as I am afraid of getting shingles back if I am around him all the time. I guess one of his adult kids will need to fly in to help him during chemo if I can't be home. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I think I will try the (ignore) his comments thing. Thanks again

    also it seems the thing he is most worried and angry at is that he will probably lose his hair. I didnt think a man would be this angry over it. He always said, I don't understand why men go bald. I never will. Now this and he is furious even though it will normally grow back. Guess he is really vain. Never saw this side of him before although he does dye his hair.

    This seems like such a hard

    This seems like such a hard situation :( I'm sorry you have to take the brunt of his emotions! I'm glad you are on vacation! I wish he could see that things like this are a privelge that many cancer patients don't understand. 

    I definitely understand his feeling of never getting better. Today is my mom's last chemo and I can't get excited! Even if her cancer is gone, I'll never feel like it is truly gone. I had an articlue published a few weeks ago, http://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2015/08/8-things-not-to-say-to-someone-whose-mom-has-cancer/

    I know the situation is not similar, but it give an inside perspective on what I feel and I'm sure a lot of it can apply to you! You are definitely not wrong of being upset. One of the worst things is trying to help someone who doesn't seem to want help. How long has this been going on? I hope this comes in waves and he will soon realize what you do for him.

    I'm not sure if this is an option (I know it's not with my family..) but maybe try sitting him down and talking to him with no arguments. Let him know you want to do everything to help, but you feel like it's hard.

    I hope someone who is in a simliar situation of being pushed away will reply to this thread and help you better than I can! There are also a few articles on this website that could maybe help out. :(  

     

  • Txgirl
    Txgirl Member Posts: 9
    #5
    j24 said:

    This seems like such a hard

    This seems like such a hard situation :( I'm sorry you have to take the brunt of his emotions! I'm glad you are on vacation! I wish he could see that things like this are a privelge that many cancer patients don't understand. 

    I definitely understand his feeling of never getting better. Today is my mom's last chemo and I can't get excited! Even if her cancer is gone, I'll never feel like it is truly gone. I had an articlue published a few weeks ago, http://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2015/08/8-things-not-to-say-to-someone-whose-mom-has-cancer/

    I know the situation is not similar, but it give an inside perspective on what I feel and I'm sure a lot of it can apply to you! You are definitely not wrong of being upset. One of the worst things is trying to help someone who doesn't seem to want help. How long has this been going on? I hope this comes in waves and he will soon realize what you do for him.

    I'm not sure if this is an option (I know it's not with my family..) but maybe try sitting him down and talking to him with no arguments. Let him know you want to do everything to help, but you feel like it's hard.

    I hope someone who is in a simliar situation of being pushed away will reply to this thread and help you better than I can! There are also a few articles on this website that could maybe help out. :(  

     

    Fiance

    actually after I wrote the last post I kinda lost it! I told him I think he hates me and doesn't want me around after he asked me why I cry all the time. I told him it hurts so bad when he talks to me the way he does. And right now I can't even remember what all i said but I just let loose. Strange but yesterday and today his attitude is better and he has been nice to me. By nice I mean not yelling and saying nasty things. He was more close to normal.  We went out last night and even danced a bit. Maybe he is on the good side of his mood right now.! Will have to see how long it lasts. I am sure it won't last everyday but maybe something I said hit home. Will keep a post on here with progress thanks!!

  • j24
    j24 Member Posts: 15
    #6
    Txgirl said:

    Fiance

    actually after I wrote the last post I kinda lost it! I told him I think he hates me and doesn't want me around after he asked me why I cry all the time. I told him it hurts so bad when he talks to me the way he does. And right now I can't even remember what all i said but I just let loose. Strange but yesterday and today his attitude is better and he has been nice to me. By nice I mean not yelling and saying nasty things. He was more close to normal.  We went out last night and even danced a bit. Maybe he is on the good side of his mood right now.! Will have to see how long it lasts. I am sure it won't last everyday but maybe something I said hit home. Will keep a post on here with progress thanks!!

    SO glad to hear that. :) Hope

    SO glad to hear that. :) Hope things are starting to look up for you! :) 

     

    I'll keep you both in my prayers!

  • Txgirl
    Txgirl Member Posts: 9
    #7
    j24 said:

    SO glad to hear that. :) Hope

    SO glad to hear that. :) Hope things are starting to look up for you! :) 

     

    I'll keep you both in my prayers!

    Fiance

    he has done pretty good all week at the beach. We are driving now back to TX! Hope he doesn't revert back when we get back home! Chemo starts 9/4. Will keep this updated

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