Dad just diagnosed

My estranged spouse was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer.  He does not know Gleason or PSA scores he said his daughter knows all of that.  His daughter had told me that the tumor was well contained and that "they got it all" but then said something about possible liver involvement. She referred to the tumor as a "goombah".Of course I am very concerned but I am especially concerned because of his lackadasical attitude towards his cancer and potential treatment. And I am concerned because his daughter (we both have adult "children" from a prior marriage), may not have enough knowledge to ask the correct questions.

I am a cancer survivor myself. I know that you have to be your own advocate and if a doctor's recommendation doesn't resonate with you then demand another scan, biopsy, whatever.  The radiologist I saw after my chemo treatment ended tried to tell me that a lympocele was unresolved cancer and that I would need 35 external and 3-5 internal radiation treatments.  I demanded a PET scan which showed NED so I declined the radiation.  If I had been a "good little girl" I would have gone ahead with treatment I didn't need.   My husband's attitude that his daughter will take care of everything worries me because he needs to participate in any treatment decisions that may need to be made and I'm afraid his "why do I need to know" attitude might get him into a treatment that he neither needs or wants.  Knowledge is power! I was diagnosed with USPC in May, 2011, which is a rare, aggressive type of endometrial cancer.  My oncologist told me that only 10-12% of women diagnosed with endometrial cancer get USPC. I've had problems in the past year but so far so good.  Since we are still legally married but separated I wonder if I would be out of line in asking to accompany him to his post op appointment.  We are speaking and are talking about a possible reconciliation and went out to dinner before his surgery.  I don't consider us "old", although we are both in our late sixties.  Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you all.

flyerette65 said:

estranged spouse diagnosed with prostate cancer

My estranged spouse was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer.  He does not know Gleason or PSA scores he said his daughter knows all of that.  His daughter had told me that the tumor was well contained and that "they got it all" but then said something about possible liver involvement. She referred to the tumor as a "goombah".Of course I am very concerned but I am especially concerned because of his lackadasical attitude towards his cancer and potential treatment. And I am concerned because his daughter (we both have adult "children" from a prior marriage), may not have enough knowledge to ask the correct questions.

I am a cancer survivor myself. I know that you have to be your own advocate and if a doctor's recommendation doesn't resonate with you then demand another scan, biopsy, whatever.  The radiologist I saw after my chemo treatment ended tried to tell me that a lympocele was unresolved cancer and that I would need 35 external and 3-5 internal radiation treatments.  I demanded a PET scan which showed NED so I declined the radiation.  If I had been a "good little girl" I would have gone ahead with treatment I didn't need.   My husband's attitude that his daughter will take care of everything worries me because he needs to participate in any treatment decisions that may need to be made and I'm afraid his "why do I need to know" attitude might get him into a treatment that he neither needs or wants.  Knowledge is power! I was diagnosed with USPC in May, 2011, which is a rare, aggressive type of endometrial cancer.  My oncologist told me that only 10-12% of women diagnosed with endometrial cancer get USPC. I've had problems in the past year but so far so good.  Since we are still legally married but separated I wonder if I would be out of line in asking to accompany him to his post op appointment.  We are speaking and are talking about a possible reconciliation and went out to dinner before his surgery.  I don't consider us "old", although we are both in our late sixties.  Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you all.

Unless you get the clinical specifics of your ex's biopsy and treatment(s), there is next to nothing of insight that the guys here can contribute toward understanding his situation. 

For instance, the statements "they got it all" but "possibly has liver involvement" do not logically go together at all regarding prostate cancer.

max

tiffany2015 said:

Been away for a while

Hi all, I am sorry I havent responded lately. I truly appreciate everyone taking the time to provide insight, words of encouragement, advice and just being someone to go through this unfortunate journey with.  I pretty much just took time away from the internet and been spending alot of quality time with my dad and family.  My father is getting ready to start his 4th round of taxotere next Tuesday.  I am actually taking him for scans on Friday to see what is going on with the cancer.  We will get the results on Tuesday before his chemo begins.  I have went through every stage imaginable during this process with my dad.  My dad seems to be ok with what he is dealing with and still has continued to keep an upbeat spirit, while i tend to be angry with the whole situation.  But I do not reflect my unhappiness of him having to go through this to him.  The chemo has really just beat him up.  He was always this big strong man that worked in construction and would work from sun up to sun down.  Since being on this chemo I have seen him go from that man to a fraile, out of breath, sick man.  It literally breaks my heart.  We have had to discuss death in very candid conversations.  My grandmother (dads mom) died from breast cancer several several years ago and he told me that as he watched his mother go through chemo he told himself he would not if he got cancer.  Well here we are and hes going through it.  I once asked him why he chose to do chemo and he told me because of his kids and grandchildren.  He said he feels like if he doesnt do it then hes giving up.  The selfish part of me wants him to do it whatever it takes to keep him here, but the unselfish part of me told him that if he couldnt go through chemo anymore that I would understand and would know he fought like hell to overcome this.  I am rambling at this part I am sure so I will let you all go.  I hope that each of you are having a wonderful day!

Tiffany,

Sounds like your dad is taking it all in stride. Looking back now, it all seems surreal and we just have to deal with the hand we're dealt in life, as much as that sucks sometimes. I know how chemo can "knock you to your feet" as I have been throught it myself.  Had to get "hydration" "treatments, Neulasta injections and got pneumonia 3 times during the course of treatment.  The tiredness is the worst and nothing was done to help me get through that aspect.  You are giving your father a lot of what he needs,  by loving him, hugging him and talking to him.  I just lost my 94 year old mom to metatastic breast cancer back in June. She was diagnosed at age 82 and had a metastisis to her small bowel in 2013. I have to tell you that I'm so grateful I was there with her and kept her in my home until the end.  We had some great conversations and I encourage you to just keep the communication going.  I know how hard it is watching anyone suffer with cancer.  I would leave the room and cry.    Looked like a rabbit sometimes with my pink eyes and Tammy Faye Baker with streaks of eye make-up running down my face at others. Try to keep your spirits up as well.  I know you just want to cry sometimes and that is ok. I hate cancer so much and I wish a cure would be found for all cancers.  I do know someone who had aggressive P.C. and it was all ready in his spine when it was discovered but he lived (and I know this is almost impossible to believe) for almost 10 years and enjoyed life and had good quality of life until about a year before his death so there is hope.  Only God knows what will happen with your dad.  I'm not a particularly religious person but there is comfort to be found in believing.