Cranky, mad and Angry - Has anyone had this before

Prissy:

I had a recurrence back in late 2009 and for six months up until the time I was to have surgery I was extremely agitated, cranky, etc.   I was particularly angry with my doctor and in fact changed two times until I found a doctor whom I felt comfortable with.   I had surgery in Feb of 2010 and it has been fine until about last year when I was again having symptoms.   Practically the whole year of 2014 I was complaining about symptoms, etc.   I was found to have hydroureternephrosis but the urologist said to just watch it as I didn't show any "real" symptoms.   Two months later, I had decreased kidney function and high blood pressure.   Had to get a stent.   Was having headaches, and the list goes on.

This year has been better, although I am still dealing with a soft tissue mass (6 cm) which part of it is mild to moderately active on a PET scan (started at 2.3 and now is a 3.4 SUV).   We have been watching this for several years and it grew last year but because I had a CT guided needle biopsy and the part they took out was negative, we are still on a wait and see approach.    Frustrating and annoying at times.  So yes, I get cranky, tired, fatigued, irriatable, etc.   They don't want to remove my mass as it is major surgery and I have a lot of scarring.   With my recurrence in 2009/10 it took them 45 minutes just to cut through the scarring to get to the mass that they wanted to remove.

But I found this is a good place to rant from time to time.    

So go on and rant if you need too 

Kathay

Yes - I get the "crankies" too.  Particularly when I am waiting for a scan date, or results.  I guess it's the brain's way of dealing with the fear and uncertainty that a cancer diagnosis brings.

I find that walking helps me tremendously.  Not serious hiking, just gentle continuous walking.  I live near the sea and there is a lovely long promenade which gets my regular attention.  There is something about the rythmic motion of walking which soothes my soul.

Kindest wishes

If I was walking in your shoes, I would be angry too! How unfair life is. But I think I would also get a second opinion. With a reoccurrence, I would want a more aggressive treatment. No one wants chemo, but it does offer a better chance of stopping this scourge. Please talk to your doctor again. Sandy

Abbycat2 said:

A cancer diagnosis is a mind game

Prissy, I would be angry and possibly cranky, too. Exercise helps to improve my mood. I like Hellie's suggestion about walking. I live by the Atlantic Ocean and there is nothing quite as comforting as walking on the beach. I am a long distance swimmer and after a good swim, I am flying high on endorphins. It lasts for hours, this "runner's high". It's the only time I can completely feel unafraid. I work and that helps to focus my mind on the here and now and work activities. I've read that exercise is a natural anti-depressent. 

Warm Wishes,

Cathy

Mind game indeed ,if you let it , it will consume your every waking moment. The constant thoughts,causes loss of self and purpose. I knock it's ugly head down when I see it coming round the bend , how ? I walk and sing out loud like a happy wonderer, People driving by and those in my neighborhood must think, oh there goes a happy wonderer, they will never guess that I am just walking away from keeping company with cancer.

AWK said:

I like that!

I will think of my walks that way too.  I have been under the weather with these new treatments and not able to get out the past two weeks or so.  It has been a rough summer between surgery, the clinical trials and more growth/new Mets.  I lost my mojo but I am fighting my way back.  I keep reminding myself I have to figure out how to live with this which I did before.  

 

I have watched cancer happen over the years,robbing lives,leaving unhappiness and unimaginable pain ,both mental and physical. I have chosen to describe cancer as follows:

Cancer is like an abusive, adulterous partner,It beats you up  and  leaves you in the house fretting about it's return. and when it returns it's never joyous,it beats you some more although your body is still unhealed and in pain from it's last beating.then again it summons it's stinking friend depression  to keep guard  at the door so you don't go out to see living is still happening out there,somewhere. Now it gets your total and complete attention and  devotion every waking minute. all the while it's out there gathering more and more devotees.

 I have divorced cancer but we both must  live in the same house, regrettably for now/forever ?

I will do my best to evict  this Mother (very bad words) Cancer

I vow to learn how to live life to the fullest daily with cancer. or without

I won't let cancer cause the last part of my life to be filled with nothingness.I intend to keep on harvesting new experiences despite cancer.

I won't let cancer disrupt my children's lives until I absolutely must.

If I find a way to evict cancer ,rest assured you'll all be giving eviction notices, I so pray, hope  wish that for all of us. Nuff love.

Ps: It is not from personal experience that I speak of and make references to abuse,I don't have the personality to tolerate that.I'd be writing from a prison surrounded by water. so  don't let your heads go there, don't think it. lol.                   Sadly I have watched women live it.

molimoli said:

SO SORRY

New mets , dear God no wonder you are down ,It's a hill and gully fight with these mets ,but keep hope alive.You are in our thoughts for good things to happen with the trials.You are more than brave.We need you so stay strong and try your darndest to renew your courage.for you I am  praying.

When you are up to it  would you please explain  about the clinical trials and what the expected outcomes are,  also are you allowed to know the meds  you are getting and their side effects.

No rush for you to answer ,Take the time you need. I suspect I will still have cancer next  month so anytime you answer will be a good time.

For me I have taken a break from discussing cancer  or scanning with the doctors  so i suspect there are new mets waiting to be introduced to me, so common sense has stepped all over my stubborness and prevailed , therefore, I will get  a scan by the end of the month, I also suspect that my fast growing pelvic tumors  that  they won't  surgically remove must be as big as babies now.I am still intending to do surgery out of country ,but if new mets are found that could change things.Mercy mercy me.Whatever will be will be,.so said me.

                                                                                                      Nuff nuff love.

This is good for me as it focuses me on the action I am taking which is all positive.  Plus I turned the corner and am feeling better finally!  we saw growth in my existing mets (pericardial sac, on both kidneys and diaphragm) in April and again in June and July.  June also revealed a 1.3x2.2 new met on my liver and some shadows which July picked up as mets too.  The interesting thing about all of my mets is they are solid tumors "resting" on the organs where the arteries enter or exit that organ.  So no typical organ involvement. And I don't have ascites or problems yet with marrow or bone mets.  So this has doctors perplexed.  All are inoperable although a surgical biopsy was done on the liver met when my gallbladder was removed and ureter stunt inserted. The spreading mirrors that of ovarian serous carcinoma or eplithelial cancer almost exactly.  

The trial I am in is attacking the tumors both from the inside and the outside.  The drugs are aldoxorubicin (the trial drug) combined with gemzar.  The Aldoxorubicin goes after the protein bindings and pathways based on my genome structure in order to stop the build of new pathways and ultimately the creation of new tumors.  Gemzar is a non platinum chemo that goes after existing tumors as an antiviral - works like a vaccine to use existing cells to destroy the tumors.  This trial is being run across a variety of cancers, all of which have the common thing of solid metatastatic tumors not responsive to frontline nor Operable. Pretty cool stuff and they are getting positive results.  I am in the phase where they test dosages.  

Thanks Moli and ladies.  I am getting my groove back.  No riding tonight but I think a barn visit is in order.  Nuff Nuff love back at ya! Stay strong and thrive and as Ro signed off - in peace and caring.  Anne