Supporting friend and emotional health

MAliceR
MAliceR Member Posts: 98
in Colorectal Cancer #1

I have been quiet lately. I guess I have been silently spinning a bit out of control for the last couple of weeks. As far as I know (being in between tests) I am still NED (13 months since the end of chemo, 22 months since my small recurrence was surgically removed). We are planning an amazing month long trip to Costa Rica in a couple weeks to celebrate my 60th birthday. My counselor sprung me to intermittent "tune ups" as needed, my port came out and I started going hours rather than minutes without thinking about cancer. I found myself not as afraid to start hoping again....

Then a couple weeks ago a long time friend was diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer. It has spread pretty significantly through her body.  My PTSD triggers are back with a vengeance, I am having night frights, panic attacks and find I randomly burst into tears. She started radiation almost immediately, is having a port put in early next week and starts chemo the next day. She needs me. I know this isn't about me. This is her journey and I want to be there to help and support both her and her partner. But how do I manage it without setting my own emotional health back? My own experience is still so fresh I can't separate myself from her diagnosis and the terror of hearing the words "you have cancer" and everything that goes along with it.  It goes without saying I need to see my counselor but she is on vacation and then we will be gone so it will be nearly 2 months before I can get back in to see her. I feel so selfish and guilty to have htis reaction. 

My best friend is losing the battle to ALS. It breaks my heart to watch her body betray her and how the disease impacts her as well as those who love her. That said, Since the day she was diagnosed I have been able to stand by her side and support her, even when going through my own treatments. I am heartbroken for her and grieve to see her losing ground, but I can separate myself from it as far as my own emotional health goes because it isn't cancer. But with this other friend, I am finding I can't separate myself. 

I guess my question is. Do you have any suggestions that might make it easier to step out of my own fear zone and help her with hers?  This is about her and her needs not my own.  The truth is, I will be there for her even if it has a negative impact, but I would rather find a healthy middle ground if I can. I just have to figure out how to get there.

Thanks for listening. I very much appreciate having a place to come and let things like this out. People who have and are living it get it in ways others don't. In this case "pulling up my big girl panties and getting over it" really doesn't work to well. 

MAlice

Comments

  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #2
    I understand

    I had my surgery early 2010.  My sister was diagnosed with stage 4 uterine cancer in 2012.  So I understand where you are.

    As you say, it is all about the other person. 

    I found that it actually helped me to be able to help her.  Even though our cancers were different, I was still able to help her to understand her options, the lingo and be with her as she got treatments and talked with her onc.  She did not have to go thru the initial "now what do I do" stage, because I had already been there, done that, and was able to guide her.

    Even though she was stage 4, I think it gave her a glimmer of hope to hang on to since I had survived cancer. 

    I was with her to the end.  I am not sure I would have been as much help if I had not already faced the devil before her.

    I hope that you can find a way to help your friend without too much emotional suffering yourself.

    Have a wonderful holiday.

    Marie who loves kitties

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
    #3
    Lovekitties said:

    I understand

    I had my surgery early 2010.  My sister was diagnosed with stage 4 uterine cancer in 2012.  So I understand where you are.

    As you say, it is all about the other person. 

    I found that it actually helped me to be able to help her.  Even though our cancers were different, I was still able to help her to understand her options, the lingo and be with her as she got treatments and talked with her onc.  She did not have to go thru the initial "now what do I do" stage, because I had already been there, done that, and was able to guide her.

    Even though she was stage 4, I think it gave her a glimmer of hope to hang on to since I had survived cancer. 

    I was with her to the end.  I am not sure I would have been as much help if I had not already faced the devil before her.

    I hope that you can find a way to help your friend without too much emotional suffering yourself.

    Have a wonderful holiday.

    Marie who loves kitties

    I don't have any advice, I'm

    I don't have any advice, I'm sorry. But I wonder if it will ultimately be helpful to you by making you face thoughts that you'd rather not and having the emotions in your face again, rather than tryng to hold them back. It will make you talk about things that you might not ever want to talk about again. The brain can work in funny ways. Good luck in helping your friend and I hope she has a successful battle.

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