angry husband

kayaker01 said:

debilitating
although alcoholism is a disease it is one that if the person chooses to, they can get help/treatment and hopefully be cured. I don't doubt that it makes marriages very difficult as I have watched it tear apart my sisters household.
Cancer however, is a disease a person has absolutely no control over. I can not imagine anyone leaving someone because they have a disease. And I am fairly certain the anger erupts because of the fact that he feels bad all the time, not only because of the cancer, but numerous other health issues he deals with everyday.
I can totally understand the anger. But that does not make it any easier to deal with. I also understand the reason I am the target is because I am the one around. He has alienated everyone else.
So I try to deal with it the best I can. Sometimes it just gets to be too much to deal with and I need to sound off.
Thank you everyone for listening. It makes it a lot easier to deal with.

to kayaker
Was your husband an angry person pre-cancer? I have read about so many angry cancer patients who have made it through to the other side but now that their energy and focus is no longer getting cured and stronger, they seem to not know what to do with their emotions and energy. I wonder if this is your husband, too?

Like you, I don't judge, but leaving someone who is sick, with cancer or anything else, would be nearly impossible for me. Hence, my long marriage to an alcoholic - I consider alcoholism a disease and not until I felt I was losing my mind did I decide it was enough. Ironic that my threat to leave caused him to go into a successful treatment program.

Unfortunately, my husband's alcoholism likely contributed to his hypopharyngeal cancer. He has times of remorse during which he berates himself for not quitting sooner. Other times, he realizes one must go on and deal with life as it exists now.

Dear Kayaker01,
My husband,
Dear Kayaker01,
My husband, too, is very angry and says very hurtful things to me. He was diagnosed with Stage 3A squamous lung cancer two years ago. He had 5 chemo treatments and 35 radiation treatments. So far, there is no new or old cancer activity. However, he takes Tarceva which causes numerous side effects. It really has taken over his life. Many days he has diahhrea and his eyes bother him. He has called me a moron and yelled at me in front of friends and family. One of his friends and one of his family members told him he should treat me better because I'm going through this with him even though I'm not the one with cancer. I am grateful that they said something, even though I feel like crying out of humiliation. I have gained 25 pounds, have high blood pressure and am pre-diabetic due to all of this. My doctor told me I have to lose weight and I've lost 13 pounds to date. I go to the gym and walk during lunch time at work. I also get together w/friends on several occasions for dinner. I don't mention these problems because I don't want to break down in front of them.

He told me last week that he was sick of doing nothing but taking pills and feeling lousy. I feel sorry for him and mad at the same time. I think we are one of the lucky ones because he is retired. I'm still working and carry the hospitalization. We are fortunate because our hospitalization is wonderful. He also is a Vietnam veteran and his lung concer was deemed to be caused by Agent Orange. He also receives veterans' compensation for this. So far, he can still drive and function on his own, although he gets very tired.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It's very hard and stressful. God bless you.
Jan

grandmafay said:

Anger
Anger is a form of grieving, and we are all grieving because of the way cancer has changed our lives. We are grieving the life we had, the future we though we would have. My husband fought cancer for 6 years before passing away in October 2009. We had been married for 42 years. I am one of the lucky ones, though, fi you can consider anything about cancer lucky. My husband often told me that the caregivers job was the hard one. He understood my fears and we talked openly about them. That cancer roller coaster ride was still a tough one. I am still grieving his loss and I am sure will for a long time to come. I think one thing that helped us was that we had watched my father waste much of his later years to anger. He didn't have cancer, but he had other medical problem. He hated that he could no longer do all the things he had done as a younger man. Both my husband and I were fairly close to my dad, and watching him miss out on so much because of his anger taught us how distructive anger was. We weren't going to waste the time we had left together. I think having a strong faith was very helpful to us, too. Others can find help in other things. Love is a strong support as well.

Have you checked with your local hospital, doctors, or the American Cancer Society to see if there are any cancer support groups available? Our hospital had one where we made some lasting friendships. Just knowing you are not alone really helps. If your husband doesn't want to go, go on your own or take a friend or relative with you. Many churches have groups, too, and they welcome members as well as non-members.

I really hate that so many struggle in our country to pay for medical care. People shouldn't have to go bankrupt to pay for care. Again, we were one of the lucky ones with good insurance, but so many are not. People shouldn't have to make medical decisions based on finances, and families should not have to suffer financial difficulties as well as emotional ones. I do get angry about that. We need a better system!

Ok, I have sounded off long enough. I hope something I have said helps a little, even if it is just knowing that there are many of us here who share the pain of dealing with cancer. Take care everybody, Fay

Couldn't have said it better myself Fay!
I reserve my statements as untimely.

Regards,
Michelle

we need help too

I hope people are still reading this post.  I'm in such a difficult situation, brand new mom, husband diagnosed 2 months before baby was born and is so angry about everything/ at everyone.  He's considered terminal terminal but has beaten the prognosis and is continuing to thrive physically it seems, mentally and emotionally, not at all.  He refuses medicine to help with anxiety, he's dragging feet on counseling because no one can help him with this diagnosis.  I understand its his fear that drives everything but its gotten so bad, its like we are in a war zone and because I don't have terminal cancer, nothing i say or feel or want for myself or our son matters.  And he's so frightened about son 'catching' cancer that he's building so many 'walls' to prevent baby from having a normal life.  i don't know what to do. 

How do you live with the fact that you can't live with someone who has cancer and is so emotionally abusive to you because you don't have cancer that 'won't i regret being like this when he dies' or that 'i won't get a dime of his money when he dies' even though 'I'm waiting for him to die so i can have his money' and that because i am the way i am, (not submissive or take everything at his word since he's so misguided about his fears for the baby and myself) that 'i'm causing him to die' and 'i should just act like i care about our son'. Or so frightened of the world and its dangers that our son must have organic food, clothes, furniture and zero exposure to any chemical (be it chemlawn on neighbors lawns 7 days after spray, or lawn sealant or anything that remotely has an odor to it).  He's abusive to me and to his parents and I don't know how to handle this anymore, its been 13 months and its getting worse not better despite his tumors getting better not worse. 

before cancer he was suspicious of things, but not like this, now he trusts nothing but himself and Dr. Mercola (on-line) or what he can find on-line that matches his thoughts and please don't say take away internet and get him counseling if you can, i've tried it all and i feel like i have no other option but to file for seperation.   how do i live with myself?

 

SpTeach said:

Anger

Good Morning,

     I just read your post this morning.  I am a caregiver also.  My wife had breast cancer, underwent 16 rounds of chemo and a double mastectomy.  after the final pathology report she had become HER2 positive and she underwent another 17 rounds of infusion.  It has definitely been a long road.  She also has the anger.  I don't know where your husband got treatment but where we went offered integrative therapy which included counseling for both myself and my wife.  It was covered by insurance except for the co-pay and if you don't have that most hosptals will work out payment plans/schedules.  I hope this helps, maybe even getting into a support group will help for you and your husband.  I understand the financial strai also, with my wife being ill she lost her job.  Somehow the mortgage company didn't think loss of 16,000 dollars a year, increased medical bills and a cancer diagnosis was a hardship.  we are losing our home and struggliong.  i am blessed with family that is able to help.  As a man it was hard to ask for help from family but I am so lucky they were there.  Things will get better, my wife still has a few treatments and a surgery to go but God has blessed us and my prayers go out to you and your husband.  God Bless and take care of you also!

 

Doug

Thank you Doug.  our local

Thank you Doug.  our local hemoc does offer all of that but again, because those giving the therapy/help don't have terminal cancer they can't possibley understand or help, or so says my husband.  We went to an outside counselor last week and have an appointment for a week from now but its like he's 2 different people, things he says there he does the opposite of when not around others,.  For example, i have left my house now 3 times alone with my 11 month old son, because he finds ways/reasons why i shouldn't take the baby, but then when i'm out, calls me within the hour insisting i come home beacuse he needs help with the baby.  I'm not looking to party, i want to live a normal life for my son and not raise him so sheltered and frightened.  And my husband is someone who is so angry and scared that he has to 'control' everything within his reach.    Its so hard to explain but his fears are driving everything even to the point he does everything he can to prevent me going anywhere and i'd love him to come with me but he just doesn't feel like it (allergies are now the problem).  He tells me he wants to spend every minute he can with our son, which i understand, but if someone tells you they are going to sleep but then gets SO angry at you for leaving the house while they sleep ( i left a note so no question where i was), it isn't healthy.  I'm trying so hard to last until the end of this month when he has his next scan, which i'm praying for so many reasons is positive.   i'm not living, and i know its not fair, because i am healthy, but he's so angry and controlling, it isn't healthy for any of us.  And when i put my foot down, and get called all sorts of horrible things because i went for a walk with our baby, it isnt' right or fair.  he's using cancer as a sheidl to lobby grenades at me.  How do i help someone who won't help themselves and refuses anything. 

He isn't living a life anymore and the kicker is, that as of the last scan he was getting better not worse.  

Please, any advice, ANYTHING is so appreciated.

 

Thank you, Sue

SpTeach said:

Sorry

Sue,

     I've been where you are.  I understand.  My wife told me one day that she may as well take the couch to her appointments because that's how helpful I am/was.  I went to every single appointment, treatment, procedure or consultation.  I do the housework, laundry, grocery shopping, everything except cooking (don't want anyone getting sick...LOL).  Yet I have been no help and I don't understand anything.  Like your husband my wife says no one knows unless they go through it and I believe that to a point.  I am not sure how cognizant they are about what we as caregivers go through.  I work full time and try and keep up on everything else.  It's difficult and I know it's my responsibility, but we need some slack ourselves.  Your baby deserves daily activities to grow and thrive, don't beat yourself up about that.  I honestly don't know what else to say except I'll pray for you.....things are starting to get better here and I pray that within time your husband will realize how great a caretaker/wife/friend you have been. Has anyone spoken to you about medications for your husband to help regulate mood?  Please keep in contact and let me know how you are doing.

 

Doug

Hi Doug, thank you for

Hi Doug, thank you for 'listening' to me.  I've spoken to drs and people about my husband and his issues, his family has seen it first hand since they watch my baby daily while i work full time from home, but unless my husband makes the decision to take medicine or accept change, there is little i/they can do.  its finally got so bad in the last 3 weeks that i saw a lawyer.  I told my husband what steps i took and i'm not sure it made a huge difference but it made a little difference.  Its not the road i want to take, because like others, how do i live with myself leaving someone who is sick, but how do i live living with someone who is so hurtful and abusive to me?  He knows I'm prepared to take that step to seperate and if nothing else makes a difference, he'll only see our son, at best, 50% of the time and i think (hope) thats motivating him to be a bit kinder and gentler.  He's come to me and talked to me about how he's been, so he knows its not right, knows a lot of the aggressiveness comes from him first and then me, in defense of myself.  he went to see a counselor we were seeing together by himself yesterday and seems open to seeing her again, so maybe, without me being present, he can work through some issues privately and completely.  my family and friends don't understand why i stay, but since no one but those in this blog know 'life with cancer', and can't possibly understand why i would stay with someone who can be so hurtful.  My vow to myself and my son is that if it continues and comes to a point where the baby is able to understand it, i will have to end it, i can't expose to a terrible relationship.  My commitment is honestly to the baby right now above all else, my fears or my husbands disease, the baby deserves a chance to 'be healthy' and at peace as much as i can provide. 

Sue

rdsmom said:

Hi Doug, thank you for

Hi Doug, thank you for 'listening' to me.  I've spoken to drs and people about my husband and his issues, his family has seen it first hand since they watch my baby daily while i work full time from home, but unless my husband makes the decision to take medicine or accept change, there is little i/they can do.  its finally got so bad in the last 3 weeks that i saw a lawyer.  I told my husband what steps i took and i'm not sure it made a huge difference but it made a little difference.  Its not the road i want to take, because like others, how do i live with myself leaving someone who is sick, but how do i live living with someone who is so hurtful and abusive to me?  He knows I'm prepared to take that step to seperate and if nothing else makes a difference, he'll only see our son, at best, 50% of the time and i think (hope) thats motivating him to be a bit kinder and gentler.  He's come to me and talked to me about how he's been, so he knows its not right, knows a lot of the aggressiveness comes from him first and then me, in defense of myself.  he went to see a counselor we were seeing together by himself yesterday and seems open to seeing her again, so maybe, without me being present, he can work through some issues privately and completely.  my family and friends don't understand why i stay, but since no one but those in this blog know 'life with cancer', and can't possibly understand why i would stay with someone who can be so hurtful.  My vow to myself and my son is that if it continues and comes to a point where the baby is able to understand it, i will have to end it, i can't expose to a terrible relationship.  My commitment is honestly to the baby right now above all else, my fears or my husbands disease, the baby deserves a chance to 'be healthy' and at peace as much as i can provide. 

Sue

Hi Sue

Hi Sue,

     Was just checking the support site and wanted to say Hi and check in.  I'm sorry things are going the direction they are, but you are 100% right, the baby deserves to be healthy and at peace.  I am hoping that with you drawing the line, he'll see what he's risking losing.  A loving/caring wife and a beautiful baby.  Way too much to throw away because of a bad attitude and anger.  It is so difficult, because we Love our spouses, but we deserve love and respect too. 

     How are things going financially?  I know you said things were tough.  Our house went up for auction on 8/3.  Nobody bid on it but we have found a new house and have moved 95% of the way in.  Just need to finish up some odds and ends.  It's tough and we are seeing a bankruptcy attorney, so in a few months we'll be out of under a tremendous amount of strain.  Not ideal, but it is what it is.  Trust in God and keep him close to your heart.  Although u have strayed many times, he has still been there for me.  I don't know if you're a religious person or not, but I believe and I will continue to pray for you!!  Please keep in touch and let me know how "you" are doing.

 

Doug

rdsmom said:

Thank you Doug.  our local

Thank you Doug.  our local hemoc does offer all of that but again, because those giving the therapy/help don't have terminal cancer they can't possibley understand or help, or so says my husband.  We went to an outside counselor last week and have an appointment for a week from now but its like he's 2 different people, things he says there he does the opposite of when not around others,.  For example, i have left my house now 3 times alone with my 11 month old son, because he finds ways/reasons why i shouldn't take the baby, but then when i'm out, calls me within the hour insisting i come home beacuse he needs help with the baby.  I'm not looking to party, i want to live a normal life for my son and not raise him so sheltered and frightened.  And my husband is someone who is so angry and scared that he has to 'control' everything within his reach.    Its so hard to explain but his fears are driving everything even to the point he does everything he can to prevent me going anywhere and i'd love him to come with me but he just doesn't feel like it (allergies are now the problem).  He tells me he wants to spend every minute he can with our son, which i understand, but if someone tells you they are going to sleep but then gets SO angry at you for leaving the house while they sleep ( i left a note so no question where i was), it isn't healthy.  I'm trying so hard to last until the end of this month when he has his next scan, which i'm praying for so many reasons is positive.   i'm not living, and i know its not fair, because i am healthy, but he's so angry and controlling, it isn't healthy for any of us.  And when i put my foot down, and get called all sorts of horrible things because i went for a walk with our baby, it isnt' right or fair.  he's using cancer as a sheidl to lobby grenades at me.  How do i help someone who won't help themselves and refuses anything. 

He isn't living a life anymore and the kicker is, that as of the last scan he was getting better not worse.  

Please, any advice, ANYTHING is so appreciated.

 

Thank you, Sue

Hi Sue

I am sorry to hear you going through this because I was the same way when I first found out I had NPC cancer. When going through treatment I ran everyone away from me, why my wife stayed or how she could put up with me I don’t know. But she showed me something I did not know what love was all about. She was right there with me when I got the news my cancer was back again but this time I understood more about myself so that I did not run everyone away from me. When I finished treatment about a year later we got more bad news, it was back a 3^rd time. But this time I was too weak to do anything more so we went another way just by prayer and for some reason the cancer stopped and I am still alive today. Most important my caregiver wife is still here with me now going on 41 years. I am not saying that you need to stick it out with a madman but maybe try talking to him and letting him know. My problem was I did not know I was running everyone away from me even my children moved out of the house, but to me everyone else had a problem until my wife explained the reason why they moved out.

 

I wish you well and hope your husband understand what you are trying to tell him. If not ask him if he would like to talk to some else who had cancer, I talk through e-mail because I no longer have a voice so I do everything by text massage and e-mail. I would be happy to let him know what he is going through and maybe just maybe it will help him. You can find my e-mail on my all about me page just click on my name Hondo.

Tim.

rdsmom said:

Thank you.  Its getting worse

Thank you.  Its getting worse not better.  I'm so mentally and physically beaten down by this man who can't do much to help me beacuse he is fighting a terminal disease.  Today was just another examples of how he'll berate me for not doing exactly what he wanted and then slam as many insults as he can at me because i'm doing what i have to (in this instance, work).  I foolishly relied on him to watch the baby this morning who got up at 5am, while i tried to catch another 1/2 hour of sleep before i went to work, after having been up all nght with our son who is getting molars in and having a terrible time of it while his father slept seemingly soundly.  i should have known that i would 'pay' for it.  he's fighting a disease and needs his rest, while he's killing me.  I feel like i'm this lifeless worthless blob that has a baby, who is wonderful, all because his father has cancer and has decides that no one matters but the baby.  I'm genuinely scared to divorce, as i don't think my husband has anything to lose anymore, but i don't think i have a choice anymore and either i 'die' slowly at his hands or take the risk of him going off the deep end.  I'm waiting for his scan in September to either come back with good news or the very worst so that this hell can end and then i feel worse beacsue i feel like i'm wishing someone to die.   I know i have to protect my son, i know i can't let my son see his mother treated this way because my mother in law will be the first one to say what my husband is saying to me is what her husband said to her when he was drinking (she stayed with him and put up with it - but has such a support system in her sisters, where i have none).  Even our joint marital counselor who has zero bias has told me to leave, but i can't get past the guilt.  Financially, i'm the breadwinner, so i already know i'll have to pay him spousal support but am somewhat confident i would get full custody of our sweet baby (due to his diagnosis and insistance he can't woprk or watch the baby full time), but then I am so scared of what a judge will think of me for leaving.  The funny thing (not so funny) is that i think his parents don't want me to divorce him because then they know they have to put up with him.  Please please please don't judge me.

Sorry

Sue,

     I am so sorry things are going the way they are.  No matter what the situation, no one deseres to be berated and made to feel wothless.  You are unique, you are a mother, a care giver, a woman and first and foremost a human being.  You deserve to be treated as such.  Do what you feel is best for you and the baby.  Noone should judge, they are not in your shoes.  Only you can make this decision.  Give it to God and then move on.  Please keep us informed and let us know how things are going.  I will check back daily to see if you've posted!!  Take Care and God Bless.

 

Doug

My angry fiance

When my fiancé found out he had cancer i thought I was the only one going thru this. Same thing left lung removed upper loBe. Dr said they got it all and now 4chemo treatments. He has only had one so far. i had posted on here if u look for fiancé has stage 2 u  will see it. I find it so sad that there is no preparation for the caregiver to be prepared. U are not alone as I ended up with shingles. He is angry says unkind things selfish and seems to have given up on life. Like u stated we don't have the cancer but we go thru hell. Any advice of help u find let me know. Can anyone tell me with experience if their attitude gives a higher % of cancer coming back?