Losing my mind

SharonH56 said:

You're a great daughter

You are NOT a bad daughter!! You sound like a great daughter, doing the best you can under circumstances that are not ideal. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but my advice to you would be to ASK for help. Or tell people, like your sister that she HAS to help out more. Especially since she lives nearby. It's not fair for you to have the entire responsibility fall on your shoulders, and since nobody seems to be volunteering their time you're going to have to be insistent. Because let's face it, if you collapse you aren't going to be good for anyone, especially for yourself.

People here understand how hard it is to be a caregiver - read some of the posts and you'll see that everyone has gone through tough times. So I doubt anyone here would think you're a bad daughter for venting your feelings. Do what you need to do for yourself in order to find a balance, or you might end up worse healthwise than your Mom! 

Take care and hang in there.

 

I’m with Sharon on this.  You are a wonderful daughter making do in an incredibly challenging situation.  I also agree with Sharon about asking for help.  In my experience it helps to be specific.  “Can you take Mom to her appointment on Tuesday at 3 PM?”  “Can Mom stay with you the weekend of the 25^th so I can take a break?”  If your brother (or sister) says “No, I’m busy that weekend,” come back with “Then what weekend would work for you?  I really need a break.”

I know you love your mom but please don’t let her blackmail you emotionally by, for example, crying when you broach certain subjects.  You have every right to make the rules in your own home.  This may be a difficult tough love conversation to have but I think you need to let her know that certain behaviors are not acceptable in your home (leaving rotting fruit around, hoarding, lashing out at you) and that if she will not curb these behaviors she will have to find somewhere else to stay.  Some of the other stuff I think you may have to let go of.  For example, showering every other day may not be what you or I would do, but it’s not the end of the world, provided she doesn’t have body odor.  I don’t really think showering every other day is going to put her at risk for an infection.  Hand washing is another thing.  Why not try putting out bottles of hand sanitizer in key locations and encourage her (and the whole family) to use them?  As far as her eating habits are concerned, if she chooses to ignore medical advice (or common sense) and drink supplements and eat expired food, that’s really on her.  It may be frustrating for you, but as caregivers we may make suggestions that go unheeded, the end result being that we have to watch them make poor choices and suffer the consequences.  This may sound harsh, but it took a major infection requiring hospitalization for my husband to realize that he needed to start taking better care of himself – using hand sanitizer religiously, avoiding public places when his immune system was super suppressed, eating a healthier diet.  I hope your mother does not get this kind of a wake-up call.

If you haven't already, consider meeting with your mother's oncologist and/or her treatment center's dietician (with your mother present) to discuss the potential dangers of using supplements and eating expired food.  Let them know your mother is engaging in these behaviors.  And ask for her to be referred to a psychotherapist.  Compulsive hoarders can benefit from long-term cognitive behavioral therapy and medication.       

Ask for help now.  Take some of the pressure off yourself.  And have that conversation with your mother.  You will feel better when you regain some control over your environment and your life.

Best of luck and please keep us posted.     

Caregiving is hard, and unless you have been a caregiver, you don't know is all I can say.  I am my husband's caregiver and he is dying and it is very hard to watch day in and day out.  We have grown sons but none live close to us.  We are not young like you and thankfully have no one else that depends on us. 

You need to tell your siblings that they need to help and you need to be straight up about it regardless of their feelings or your mother's.  I know that.  My mother lived with us the last 2 years of her life, husband took care of her because I still worked.  One of my sisters was going thru treatment for cancer and she just couldn't do it anymore (mother and sister both lived far away from me).  So we brought mother to live with us.  Mother didn't like it because it took her away from everything she knew and she could be very hard to deal with.  Another sister lived closed by but didn't help until I finally said yes you need to help me out.  We need time for us not just every minute for mother.  My mother could be very demanding and never showed us any type of thank you, it was just expected.  She didn't want to be away from my other sister because she felt she and her family were the best and the rest of us weren't.  Brother help none and lived in another state.  Rarely even called.  So I know what you are going thru.  You have to demand that your siblings help and stop worrying about hurting their feelings or your mother's.  You have to take care of yourself and your family because you are all important too.  You need a rest.  What about a nursing home, if you mother has insurance it could be covered or even hiring help.  A  lot of insurance and Medicare cover in-home help.  You can always threaten your mother with that if she won't do as she is told.  Throw out the fruit, your children's health is just as important as hers.  You will have sit her down, be forceful and explain to her that this is how it is going to be or she will need to make other arrangements for a place to live and don't feel guilty about it, she is playing off your guilt.  For your own health you need to do this, because during radiation it will be harder. 

Wishing you peace and comfort.