How to make my family understand...

Robillina said:

You are a caregiver warrior

J24, first of all I wish I could give you a bear hug. You have so much responsibility. Your Mom and Dad are lucky to have you at home to help. It sounds to me like you are a realistic thinker. You've 'accepted' the reality of your Mom's diagnosis (as much as anyone can accept something so horrible). That's the first phase, in my humble opinion. I think your Dad and perhaps your brothers are still in denial? Especially if your Mom doesn't let on how she is doing. Everyone deals with a cancer diagnosis at a different pace. It took my Mom a full year before she broke out of the denial phase and started dealing with her emotions. I was a little faster. I realize now that it was a good thing because now I can help her navigate her break downs. Maybe that's what's happening for you with your Dad and brothers? It's A LOT to put on the shoulders of a 23 year old. I'm so sorry you have to be the rock for your family. If that is in fact the position you hold then it is VITAL that you take care of yourself, mind body and spirit. It won't do your Mom any good to see you run down because you can bet she notices. Mom's usually do especially if your as close as you've said. Take an hour to go to the gym. Allow yourself to run like hell on a tread mill or punch a bag. Get those emotions out. Go out to dinner with friends, even if they haven't checked in on you. Maybe they don't know how. Let them know you still need them.

I can only hope and pray that your Dad will work through his own issues with the cancer diagnosis and be able to be there more for both of you in the near future. It will take a little time for him to become understanding because he's dealing with his own anger, fear and helplessness. My Dad is the strong silent type. I have never seen him cry in my 42 years of living. The other day, after a year and half of dealing with my brother's cancer journey, he finally got choked up in the car while talking to me about it. It was devistating to me because it caught me off guard but I was also thrilled (I know that sounds weird) because he was FINALLY dealing with his emotions. 

Cancer is such a major thing. It sounds like you are a strong woman. It is normal to feel everything your feeling. Try not to be too hard on yourself or your immediate family because not everyone is as strong as you are or as perceptive. My Mom likes to send out 'updates' to our extended family and friends. I think it's healing for her to write these generic notes and reach out to people as they respond. What she doesn't know is that I send out my own updates to our family. I call them my "Beind the curtain" updates. I do it because, like your Mom, mine always says she's fine and plays down how completely wrecked she is about every new thing that happens to my brother. I want her sister and my cousins, who live miles away, to know she needs cards in the mail or funny emails. She needs them to check in on her and send her some cheer. Maybe you could do the same with your brothers? 

Whatever you decide the hardest thing for you to get past is guilt. Don't feel guilty for every smile or laugh you experiance away from your Mom. Your her baby and she wants you to be happy. She wants you to be the fierce independant woman you are. I'm sure she's very proud of you and enjoys every minute you spend with her. I don't get to see my brother everyday. I work full time and have a small home of my own that I have to care for. I see him on the weekends now. The first year it was much more often. everything else got put on hold. It got to a point where I was so tired I started having trouble focusing at work, where a lot of people depend on me and they depend on my smile. I realized then that if I was going to be any use to my brother or my parents I needed to figure out how to recharge quickly. Find that thing for yourself and learn how to recognize when you need it since you live with your Mom and Dad. Most importantly NEVER feel guilty for taking a step away when you need a break because, as the rock of the family, it will benefit everyone. Wow, I wrote more than I meant to but I want you to know I and everyone on these discussion boards knows how you are feeling in one way or another. Keep posting. It's okay to feel frustrated. It's okay. You'll get through this. 

Be kind to yourself!

 

 

Denial is a GREAT word. An unfortunate one, but great. I try my hardest to understand that not everyone things they way I do, just like I don't think the way they do! Everything has moved rather quick (she was diagnosed at the beginning of the year and is almost done with chemo, hopefully for good) so it's taken everyone by surprise. Especially becuase we had months and months of tests where everything came back good so we really were starting to think she was okay! and then BAM! Stage 4. Not good news! 

I believe we're given this life because we are strong enough to live it. I always try my hardest to put thing into perspective nad go from there. I've never really thought that I need to take care of myself too. That going to the gym (and working out frustration, etc) will ultimately help everyone in the end becuase I will be rechaged and not burnt out. SO thank you, tremendously, for that advice. 

That's a good idea bout your updates! I'll have to be a bit more upfront with everyone and with my mom's needs.. maybe that way everyone can see what is really going on. 

The guilt is my biggest fear. I think my mom is starting to see that. She's always telling me to go out and live my life! But the truth is, I'd rather be spending time with her. Since my boyfriend doesn't understand what so ever, it seems like he doesn't go out of his way to make things easier for me... but I can be mad. You truly will never understand the situation until you are living it. That every second of every day is consumed by these overwhelming feelings and emotions! That you can basically cry on command!

Our Dads seem similar! I've never seen him cry until recently and I too, was excited. He needed to let it out instead of misplacing his sadness for anger and taking it out on everyone else.

I hope that you and your family continue to be strong. It seems like your brother is going through a lot. It must be hard to have to depend on people for things that he once did without putting any thought into it. I often think why?!  Why do these things happen to good people? We'll never know.. but we can take control of our situation and handle it the best we can.

Thank you so much for your reply. It really did help me snap back and remember the necessity of dealing with my own needs as well!